Thursday, March 29, 2012
Message from Sister Tanner
Sister Tanner has agreed to send me something to post each Thursday until the next class starts. Stay tuned.....
Class #11 (Spring 2012)--Stress & Adversity
Write down 2 things you are most stressed about right now.....
Some ideas....guilt about ruining your kids, worry about kids as adults, teaching children to deal with temper and stress, sick kids, husbands not doing what they should, time, busyness, illness
You don't get through this life without stress and adversity.
Satan teaches if you are good enough and rich enough there won't be any problems.
We think..."If my spouse was just..."
We think if those things changed I wouldn't be stressed.
You've give your power for peace to something outside of you.
You have the power to have peace through the Atonement.
Alma 42:8 Now behold, it was not expedient that man should be reclaimed from this temporal death, for that would destroy the great plan of happiness.
We either don't think about it or don't believe it.
We are so involved in the moment we don't allow the Savior in.
STRESS:
We buy guilt. Change percentages. You need to cheer for yourself and validate you when you make even a small change.
Stop worrying about what you are doing wrong and focus on what will move you in the right direction.
PT-->PF-->PA-->PC
Positive Thoughts lead to Positive Feelings lead to Positive Actions and over time lead to Positive Character.
Negative Thought lead to Negative Feelings which lead to Negative Actions.
We need to change our thought pattern to change our actions. We change our thought thru prayer.
If you are in stress or adversity what are you thinking about.
Scripture reference for this formula...Mosiah 4:30 But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.
When we are in major stress we are usually in fear. We cannot be in faith.
Faith says I know Heavenly Father will be on the right and the left, his spirit is in my heart, and his angels round about me.
We need to say, "Father show me what to do to protect my children." When he gives you an answer you do it that day. When you do those inspirations straight way, it builds the fortifications around your children.
Example: If you had a fight with your husband the night before and you pray and get the feeling you should take his favorite candy bar and deliver it to work, follow that, don't question it.
Most blue women think they are spiritually better than their husbands.
Remember that Joseph Smith was a righteous man. He had adversity & stress starting at 8 yrs old with the pain in his leg. At 14 he had the First Vision and was persecuted until his death. His life was a storm. He said, "The envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life. . . . Deep water is what I am wont to swim in." "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" D&C 121:1 Joseph Smith grew more in Liberty Jail than any other time.
Question: What about parents who have children that go astray?
Answer: Heavenly Father had Satan, Lehi had Laman & Lemuel
The principle is : When you are in stress and/or adversity you never ask the question why.
The why is that you are in mortality. It has nothing to do with righteousness or wickedness.
Women are prone to depression this time of year. It comes from asking why? Why is self-focused. Being turned in with negative thoughts will usually create depression. We become habitual in thinking negative.
Story: For FHE Tracy and her family took a walk. She put a small rock in each one of their shoes. They were not allowed to take the rock out. Then she gave them a jolly rancher to put in their mouth. What did they talk about? They complained about the rock in their shoe instead of enjoying the jolly rancher in their mouth. She said, "You had something sweet & something hard" What did you choose to look at?
Think about Nephi & his family in the wilderness. Laman & Lemuel said,
When we pray we pray to have the problem removed. If he removes it then he removes the learning experience.
Instead of asking the question why we should ask these questions instead..."Obtaining Help From The Lord" by Richard G. Scott, Ensign October 1991
1. What does the Lord want me to learn?
5. What characteristic must I improve? (What must I stop doing and what must I start doing)
EXAMPLE: With stress in your marriage. You feel like you are unequally yoked to your husband. You want to do FHE, family prayers, keep Sabbath day holy, etc. He wants to watch football on Sunday, play video games late into night. We say, "If he would change, I would be happy." You are putting all your power in his basket. You keep your own agency.
1. We cannot choose to be free from difficulties, but we are free to choose how to handle them.
STORY: On January 19th Cory (Sister Tanner's son) went into work. He works at Johnson & Johnson. It is a very secure job. While he was sitting at work he had the impressions of a ticker tape going by with a message that said, "go home and pack." He went into another room and prayed and saw the sign again. He went to his desk and rearranged his schedule and went home. Jenny, his wife, was helping someone else and wasn't at home. He decided to start in the closet packing everything except his everyday clothes. Then he went to pack the library. While he was packing he thought, "Maybe something is going to happen to Jenny." So he went to go find her. He didn't see her car when he drove by the first time and true panic set in. He went and knocked on the door and Jenny was there. He told Jenny of the experience and Jenny said, "Let's pack. Where do you want me to start."
They felt good about it. They had previously put in an application to transfer to Boston so they thought maybe that was going to go through. He has wanted to purchase a company and went online to look. There was a pump company in Middleton Idaho for sale. He decided maybe that's what he was supposed to do. So he flew home. Over the weekend he had 3 goals. 1. Sign on the company. 2. Get financing. 3. Come up with $50,000 of his own money. By Sunday night all those things had happened and he found a house to buy.
He went home and didn't tell anyone. He didn't want to until his financing went through. When there was a 90% chance it was going to go through he gave his 2 weeks notice and told their bishop. Everything fell into place. Jenny's Dad flew out to New Jersey to drive back with them. While they were in Snowville, Utah they got a phone call that Tuesday night saying that their financing had failed. Tuesday night the contract was up and someone else was in line to purchase the business. The business went to them.
So they arrived in Boise with no house, no job, no money. He said, "Mom, we followed every prompting. We're not sure why we are here, but the Lord has brought us here." Cory is excited. He feels like he can do anything right now.
Do we have enough faith to listen to Heavenly Father say, "Be still, and know that I am God"?
Some ideas....guilt about ruining your kids, worry about kids as adults, teaching children to deal with temper and stress, sick kids, husbands not doing what they should, time, busyness, illness
You don't get through this life without stress and adversity.
Satan teaches if you are good enough and rich enough there won't be any problems.
We think..."If my spouse was just..."
We think if those things changed I wouldn't be stressed.
You've give your power for peace to something outside of you.
You have the power to have peace through the Atonement.
Alma 42:8 Now behold, it was not expedient that man should be reclaimed from this temporal death, for that would destroy the great plan of happiness.
- We shouted for joy at the opportunity to come to earth
- We saw the whole plan. There was no veil.
- We saw pain & suffering. It wasn't a surprise
- We also knew the Savior would rescue us from it.
- We were so confident and sure of him we wanted to go.
- I can do it because of the Savior.
- We knew he would be right there to walk with us and rescue us.
- We knew it would be hard and we wanted it.
We either don't think about it or don't believe it.
We are so involved in the moment we don't allow the Savior in.
STRESS:
- Sometimes self-imposed
- Over scheduling
- Trying to be a controller or dictator
- Parenting styles
- Marriage-we look at our spouse and we criticize.
- We give our power out.
- Example: "I'm so annoyed/upset when he leaves his dirty socks on the family room floor."
- We get so focused on making him good so he can make us happy. As we do that we create stress in our lives.
- Things that come upon us...child born with heart defect, death, illness, job loss
- We didn't ask for them.
- It's the hard things life imposes.
We buy guilt. Change percentages. You need to cheer for yourself and validate you when you make even a small change.
Stop worrying about what you are doing wrong and focus on what will move you in the right direction.
PT-->PF-->PA-->PC
Positive Thoughts lead to Positive Feelings lead to Positive Actions and over time lead to Positive Character.
Negative Thought lead to Negative Feelings which lead to Negative Actions.
We need to change our thought pattern to change our actions. We change our thought thru prayer.
If you are in stress or adversity what are you thinking about.
Scripture reference for this formula...Mosiah 4:30 But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.
When we are in major stress we are usually in fear. We cannot be in faith.
Faith says I know Heavenly Father will be on the right and the left, his spirit is in my heart, and his angels round about me.
We need to say, "Father show me what to do to protect my children." When he gives you an answer you do it that day. When you do those inspirations straight way, it builds the fortifications around your children.
Example: If you had a fight with your husband the night before and you pray and get the feeling you should take his favorite candy bar and deliver it to work, follow that, don't question it.
Most blue women think they are spiritually better than their husbands.
"Don’t look for a life virtually free from discomfort, pain, pressure, challenge, or grief, for those are the tools a loving Father uses to stimulate our personal growth and understanding." To Be Healed by Richard G. Scott Ensign May 1994
"I am persuaded that there can be a necessary refining process in adversity that increases our understanding, enhances our sensitivity, makes us more Christlike." The Blessings of Adversity by James E. Faust Ensign February 1998
"He is rubbing off our rough edges and sensitizing us for our great responsibilities ahead." The Blessings of Adversity by James E. Faust Ensign February 1998The Lord refines those whom he loves.
Remember that Joseph Smith was a righteous man. He had adversity & stress starting at 8 yrs old with the pain in his leg. At 14 he had the First Vision and was persecuted until his death. His life was a storm. He said, "The envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life. . . . Deep water is what I am wont to swim in." "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" D&C 121:1 Joseph Smith grew more in Liberty Jail than any other time.
Question: What about parents who have children that go astray?
Answer: Heavenly Father had Satan, Lehi had Laman & Lemuel
The principle is : When you are in stress and/or adversity you never ask the question why.
The why is that you are in mortality. It has nothing to do with righteousness or wickedness.
Women are prone to depression this time of year. It comes from asking why? Why is self-focused. Being turned in with negative thoughts will usually create depression. We become habitual in thinking negative.
Story: For FHE Tracy and her family took a walk. She put a small rock in each one of their shoes. They were not allowed to take the rock out. Then she gave them a jolly rancher to put in their mouth. What did they talk about? They complained about the rock in their shoe instead of enjoying the jolly rancher in their mouth. She said, "You had something sweet & something hard" What did you choose to look at?
Think about Nephi & his family in the wilderness. Laman & Lemuel said,
(1 Nephi 16:35-37) 35 And it came to pass that the daughters of Ishmael did mourn exceedingly, because of the loss of their father, and because of their afflictions in the wilderness; and they did murmur against my father, because he had brought them out of the land of Jerusalem, saying: Our father is dead; yea, and we have wandered much in the wilderness, and we have suffered much affliction, hunger, thirst, and fatigue; and after all these sufferings we must perish in the wilderness with hunger.Nephi had the same experience, but looked at it differently,
(1 Nephi 17:2) And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.They had the same experience, but different viewpoints. It's how we think about it that creates feelings which lead to actions.
"Attitude is what will pull us through whatever comes our way. It will not remove our troubles from us but rather will enable us to face our challenges, to meet them head on, and to emerge victorious." Ensign, May 2009 pg 89 Thomas S. Monson
When we pray we pray to have the problem removed. If he removes it then he removes the learning experience.
Instead of asking the question why we should ask these questions instead..."Obtaining Help From The Lord" by Richard G. Scott, Ensign October 1991
1. What does the Lord want me to learn?
- In the moment if you pray about it you will get little pieces. When you act on those you get more.
- You seek, ponder scriptures and talks
- The answer is not to sit in one place and murmur
- This is taking our own power back.
5. What characteristic must I improve? (What must I stop doing and what must I start doing)
EXAMPLE: With stress in your marriage. You feel like you are unequally yoked to your husband. You want to do FHE, family prayers, keep Sabbath day holy, etc. He wants to watch football on Sunday, play video games late into night. We say, "If he would change, I would be happy." You are putting all your power in his basket. You keep your own agency.
- What does the Lord want me to learn?---Be submissive. He is the head of the home. You need to treat him like that, lift him up. Might need to learn to overcome your pride. Blame give away your agency.
- What do I need to do?---Love him, forgive him
- What do I need to change?---Change me--my pride & my critical nature
- Whom do I need to serve?---Him, care unconditionally
- What characteristic must I improve?---Looking for good, support, lift, stop being critical.
1. We cannot choose to be free from difficulties, but we are free to choose how to handle them.
- As long as you are in this world you will have stress & adversity.
Every Monday John left home at two o’clock in the morning and walked six hours in order to be at his post on time. On Friday he would leave his work at five o’clock in the evening and walk almost until midnight before arriving home. He did this year after year.
One day, while he was doing his chores at home, a cow kicked him in the leg, causing a compound fracture. With limited medical resources, the only option was to amputate the broken leg. So John’s family and friends strapped him onto a door and, with a bucksaw, cut off his leg a few inches from the knee.
In spite of the crude surgery, the leg started to heal. Once John could sit up in bed, he began carving a wooden leg with an ingenious joint that served as an ankle to an artificial foot. Walking on this device was extremely painful, but John did not give up, building up his endurance until he could make the 22-mile (35-km) journey to the Salt Lake Temple each week, where he continued his work.
2. In adversity we must stay committedHis hands carved the words “Holiness to the Lord” that stand today as a golden marker to all who visit the Salt Lake Temple. "Lift Where You Stand" by Deiter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign November 2008
"When we face seemingly insurmountable obstacles in the fulfillment of righteous responsibilities, we should remember that when we are involved in the work of the Lord, the obstacles before us are never as great as the power behind us. We should reach out and climb. Handholds will only be found by hands that are outstretched. Footholds are only for feet that are on the move.” "Reach Out and Climb!" by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign April 20023. Have faith that the Lord is mindful of us and we can have a perfect brightness of hope.
STORY: Tracy’s husband has been out of work for 14 months. They have kids ranging from age 6 yrs to 15 yrs. In the beginning you have a lot of faith. After it goes on and the storm continues to go it gets harder. She decided she would have to choose how to look at the trial. She read “Remember Remember” and wrote all the tender mercies she could see each day. If you are not in the storm these are the things you can do. A friend took Mallory shopping and bought all her school clothes. Someone had paid for year book and choir fees. With Spencer a different family took him shopping for school clothes. He came home with name brand things. They came home one day and the front porch was full of food. She left it in the living room for awhile so she could see just how blessed they were. In order for her to receive what she could she wanted to give what she could. She would go visit someone who was sick. She would take in dinners. She took every assignment she could and served. When she wanted the Lord to bless her she served in every way she could. She had to have faith and keep focus. Never lost hope. Always lifting those around her. They kept a journal of the 'tender mercies' they received. That journal is their most prized possession.
They felt good about it. They had previously put in an application to transfer to Boston so they thought maybe that was going to go through. He has wanted to purchase a company and went online to look. There was a pump company in Middleton Idaho for sale. He decided maybe that's what he was supposed to do. So he flew home. Over the weekend he had 3 goals. 1. Sign on the company. 2. Get financing. 3. Come up with $50,000 of his own money. By Sunday night all those things had happened and he found a house to buy.
He went home and didn't tell anyone. He didn't want to until his financing went through. When there was a 90% chance it was going to go through he gave his 2 weeks notice and told their bishop. Everything fell into place. Jenny's Dad flew out to New Jersey to drive back with them. While they were in Snowville, Utah they got a phone call that Tuesday night saying that their financing had failed. Tuesday night the contract was up and someone else was in line to purchase the business. The business went to them.
So they arrived in Boise with no house, no job, no money. He said, "Mom, we followed every prompting. We're not sure why we are here, but the Lord has brought us here." Cory is excited. He feels like he can do anything right now.
Do we have enough faith to listen to Heavenly Father say, "Be still, and know that I am God"?
"One’s life, therefore, cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free....How can you and I really expect to glide naively through life, as if to say, “Lord, give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!”...Real faith, however, is required to endure this necessary but painful developmental process." "Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint In Your Minds" by Neal A. Maxwell, Ensign May 1991
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Class #10-Spring 2012---Follow up
Your goal is to train your children not control them.
Your home and FHE is where you teach your children to bear their testimonies and practice there not sacrament meeting.
One of the things with being a teacher is that you need to bear witness/testify of the principle you have taught at the end. Teach them to teach.
Your home and FHE is where you teach your children to bear their testimonies and practice there not sacrament meeting.
One of the things with being a teacher is that you need to bear witness/testify of the principle you have taught at the end. Teach them to teach.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Spring Break Ideas...
Spring Break Ideas for Kids
Things to Do With Children at Home for School Vacation
Something Fun Every Day
Plant a Garden With Your Children
Spring Day Trips
Volunteer
Get Ready for Easter
Spring Idea's, activities & food:
Getting the Most from Spring Break:
NRC Spring Break Activities:
Treasure Valley Spring Break Idea's:
Treasure Valley Family Calendar of Events
Events posted by Idaho Statesman:
Staycation Ideas:
Things to do/crafts for little ones:
Crafts for Boys:
1- Movie Marathon: This will be a list of movies they can watch, provided this is a list you’ve put together that are okay for them. Now they can make a theater in all types of ways. Hand them Easter or Halloween buckets and let them decorate them for Movie popcorn. Designate the older children to pop the popcorn and get the younger kids to make the mix. Have fun! Yes, mom there will be a mess but they should be out of your hair for at least 1-3 hours depending how long the movie is.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Class #10 (Spring 2012)--Teaching Your Children to be Valiant
Think about (ponder) how you teach.
Pondering takes time, energy, and honesty, but not guilt. It is to gain understanding and insight and inspiration. Guilt beats yourself up and stops the insight. You need to make quiet time to ponder. Use the time when you are in the car going to pick up kids from school. Turn off the music and ponder. Ponder when you are laying in bed trying to go to sleep at night. Ponder while you are vacuuming. Ponder while you are in the shower. You need to find time to ponder. If you can't find time then create it.
How do you teach your children the gospel? Some teach reactive. They let something happen and then react in the moment. Some do FHE (organized once per week) which is good, but how is the teaching the rest of the week.
You need to teach your children to fortify them without teaching curiosity.
Story: Jana played volleyball in high school. She was jut younger than Tracy. Tracy was very athletic. Jana takes after her Mom. She is good, but she isn't great. She came home from volleyball in tears one day and went straight to her room. Sister Tanner went to check on her and found out that while they were in practice she was having problems serving. Tracy was an ace server. The coach was not patient. The coach said, "Jana you really aren't doing this right." and then walked away. She knew it wasn't right. She was humiliated. He didn't stop to teach her what she was doing and teach her the correct principles to get it over the net.
Are we teaching like that coach?
How do you change from helping your children be good to helping them be valiant? How do they become stripling warriors where they stand true and are willing to give their life?
The stripling warriors mothers had a great impact on their learning process, but if you go back further their fathers had a fabulous impact on them when they were laid down their lives to keep their covenants.
What are the methods we will use to do this? Proverbs 22:6 " Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." The verb is "train".
Think of a training program. The muscles you haven't really used get really sore. They loathe the 1st two weeks of training in a new sport because they knew they would hurt. They were using muscles they haven't used before. 1. It's hard. 2. Those being trained say it hurts. What does this mean in training your children to be valiant? 1. It's going to take lots of time on your part. 2. You are going to get flack from your kids. In the end you will have a champion though.
Naomi Randall wrote "I Am A Child of God". A few years after she wrote the words "teach me all that I must know" Spencer W. Kimball suggested changing the words to "teach me all that I must do."
Are we teaching them all that they must know. It's not enough to just know. We teach them to become valiant when we teach them what to do.
We as parents don't know how to teach "to do". If we don't get the gospel into the "to do" of everyday living our children won't be fortified enough to leave home. Even the best will be wounded, but not killed if they are fortified enough. (like the stripling warriors)
In the first class "Take Time To Teach"----1. Knowledge 2. Understanding 3. Act
All education outside the home school/primary stops with the process of getting knowledge. It's all competitive.
When it comes to "sharing in class" some are struck with fear. They think...I love this class, but I don't know how to get up and tell what I've learned. The reason is the element of competition. What if I don't give the right answer/ You have been programmed to do that by teachers to learn knowledge. We are teaching our children to be non-thinkers. They want to know, "What do you want me to say so I'll be right." There's a right and a wrong and I want to tell the right. Did I pass? Did I fail? We want to be sure that our children are ready when they leave home to be disciple leaders. That they can think for themselves.
This learning model needs to be incorporated into our homes. It teaches children to be valiant. This is harder that just teaching knowledge. This is the graduate course. It sets them out in the world.
To create leaders we need to make sure that it's safe for them to think for themselves. They need to know that they have the right to think differently than their peers or the crowd.
5 Principles (from BYU-I Pathways Program)
Work is good of us. We are told to pray diligently, pray often. Don't use the Lord as the bad guy, but as the purpose for choosing what is right. Faith in Christ our Savior is power. Love for the Savior increases they will want to make good choices because of their love for Him.
1. Prepare:
1. Preparation: When her children were all at home she would have them say hello by name to all the widows in the ward. It was the little things that mean a lot. It makes them aware.
2. Teach: FHE lesson on respect for elderly. Ask them questions about what they have learned.
3. Application: Being nice was easy. Instead have them visit a nursing home every Sunday for 6 months. Have your children journal about this. To retain what they have learned they have to come back to it and reteach/repeat. Reteach within 2-3 days they will retain better.
Example: Lesson on the poor
3. Application: Take them to soup kitchen and serve. Go to the Idaho Food bank. Go to cannery. They need to do something, but then don't forget to follow up. The "doing" process changes them from being good to being valiant.
Example: Eternal families
3. Application: Have them find a name and take it to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.
Example: Work
3. Application: Plan a service project. Do something hard.
They have to come back and do sharing! They have to follow thru. Let them become the teachers. They have to not be afraid to speak what they think.
We want to raise them to have courage to stand up at all costs to testify of Christ.
There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn’t exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can’t do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn’t exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.
Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.
Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God’s love for them and of His power through Jesus.
Pondering takes time, energy, and honesty, but not guilt. It is to gain understanding and insight and inspiration. Guilt beats yourself up and stops the insight. You need to make quiet time to ponder. Use the time when you are in the car going to pick up kids from school. Turn off the music and ponder. Ponder when you are laying in bed trying to go to sleep at night. Ponder while you are vacuuming. Ponder while you are in the shower. You need to find time to ponder. If you can't find time then create it.
How do you teach your children the gospel? Some teach reactive. They let something happen and then react in the moment. Some do FHE (organized once per week) which is good, but how is the teaching the rest of the week.
You need to teach your children to fortify them without teaching curiosity.
Story: Jana played volleyball in high school. She was jut younger than Tracy. Tracy was very athletic. Jana takes after her Mom. She is good, but she isn't great. She came home from volleyball in tears one day and went straight to her room. Sister Tanner went to check on her and found out that while they were in practice she was having problems serving. Tracy was an ace server. The coach was not patient. The coach said, "Jana you really aren't doing this right." and then walked away. She knew it wasn't right. She was humiliated. He didn't stop to teach her what she was doing and teach her the correct principles to get it over the net.
Are we teaching like that coach?
How do you change from helping your children be good to helping them be valiant? How do they become stripling warriors where they stand true and are willing to give their life?
The stripling warriors mothers had a great impact on their learning process, but if you go back further their fathers had a fabulous impact on them when they were laid down their lives to keep their covenants.
What are the methods we will use to do this? Proverbs 22:6 " Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." The verb is "train".
Think of a training program. The muscles you haven't really used get really sore. They loathe the 1st two weeks of training in a new sport because they knew they would hurt. They were using muscles they haven't used before. 1. It's hard. 2. Those being trained say it hurts. What does this mean in training your children to be valiant? 1. It's going to take lots of time on your part. 2. You are going to get flack from your kids. In the end you will have a champion though.
Naomi Randall wrote "I Am A Child of God". A few years after she wrote the words "teach me all that I must know" Spencer W. Kimball suggested changing the words to "teach me all that I must do."
Are we teaching them all that they must know. It's not enough to just know. We teach them to become valiant when we teach them what to do.
"To testify is to know and to declare. The gospel challenges us to be “converted,” which requires us to do and to become." The Challenge To Become by "Dallin H Oaks, Ensign November 2000We have a testimony of saying morning prayers, but how many of us do it? We know not to yell, but how many of us do it? We know to keep the Sabbath day holy for 24 hours, but do we do it? We believe the scriptures are true, but do we read them everyday? Can you tell what happened in General Conference 6 months ago and how it changed your life? Does what we know affect the way we live our lives?
We as parents don't know how to teach "to do". If we don't get the gospel into the "to do" of everyday living our children won't be fortified enough to leave home. Even the best will be wounded, but not killed if they are fortified enough. (like the stripling warriors)
Is your life so full of good things you can't create essential experiences?
"Are there so many fascinating, exciting things to do or so many challenges pressing down upon you that it is hard to keep focused on that which is essential? When things of the world crowd in, all too often the wrong things take highest priority. Then it is easy to forget the fundamental purpose of life. Satan has a powerful tool to use against good people. It is distraction. He would have good people fill life with “good things” so there is no room for the essential ones. Have you unconsciously been caught in that trap?" "First Things First" by Richard G. Scott, Ensign May 2001
In the first class "Take Time To Teach"----1. Knowledge 2. Understanding 3. Act
All education outside the home school/primary stops with the process of getting knowledge. It's all competitive.
When it comes to "sharing in class" some are struck with fear. They think...I love this class, but I don't know how to get up and tell what I've learned. The reason is the element of competition. What if I don't give the right answer/ You have been programmed to do that by teachers to learn knowledge. We are teaching our children to be non-thinkers. They want to know, "What do you want me to say so I'll be right." There's a right and a wrong and I want to tell the right. Did I pass? Did I fail? We want to be sure that our children are ready when they leave home to be disciple leaders. That they can think for themselves.
This learning model needs to be incorporated into our homes. It teaches children to be valiant. This is harder that just teaching knowledge. This is the graduate course. It sets them out in the world.
To create leaders we need to make sure that it's safe for them to think for themselves. They need to know that they have the right to think differently than their peers or the crowd.
5 Principles (from BYU-I Pathways Program)
- Exercise faith in Christ as a principle of action and power.
- To understand that true teaching is done by and with the Holy Ghost.
- Lay hold on the word of God as found in the scriptures and words of the prophets.
- Act for themselves and accept responsibility for learning and teaching.
- Love and serve and teach one another thru the 3 step process of...prepare, teach, prove & ponder.
Work is good of us. We are told to pray diligently, pray often. Don't use the Lord as the bad guy, but as the purpose for choosing what is right. Faith in Christ our Savior is power. Love for the Savior increases they will want to make good choices because of their love for Him.
1. Prepare:
- In home with older children give them a copy of the Ensign and then say next week Johnny will pick and talk and give the FHE on it. He will let us know ahead of time so we can read it and be prepared to discuss it.
- Following a FHE theme throughout the month. They come already thinking about it.
- Sunday School class---Do you come having already read the assignment so you are prepared to discuss it? Are you mentally there?
- Sister Tanner gives us assignments in class so we are prepared to be open and able to listen.
- If you are doing FHE by the seat of your pants that is better than nothing...they can come knowing that you are teaching and that you are having FHE every Monday night.
- Elder Henry B. Eyring told of a time when he attended church with his father and listened to what for young Henry had been a "dull talk." As they walked home, he was trying to think of a way to ask his father why he had been "beaming" during the boring meeting.
"I finally got up enough courage to ask him what he thought of the meeting. He said it was wonderful... Like all good fathers, he must have read my mind, because I started to laugh. He said: 'Hal, let me tell you something. Since I was a very young man, I have taught myself to do something in a church meeting. When the speaker begins, I listen carefully and ask myself what it is he is trying to say. Then, once I think I know what he is trying to accomplish, I give myself a sermon on that subject.' He let that sink in for a moment as we walked along. Then with that special self-depreciating chuckle of his, he said, 'Hal, since then I have never been to a bad meeting'" (To Draw Closer to God [Desert Book: Salt Lake City, 1997], 23) - You come with that responsibility to learn. The best way to learn is when we teach each other.
- If you teach a story then 'you' know it. If they teach the story the Spirit can bear witness that what they are teaching is true.
- Teaching isn't just giving a lesson.
- We we testify to others it validates us to ourselves.
- Let your children talk about what they have learned at school or church at the dinner time.
- They need to teach one another.
- You want them to try it and see if it works.
- Think about what they have done.
- Heed the promptings you are given.
- "O Remember Remember" by Henry B Eyring, Ensign October 2007---Keep a journal of the tender mercies you have seen, it's a learning journal, record your inspiration or thoughts.
1. Preparation: When her children were all at home she would have them say hello by name to all the widows in the ward. It was the little things that mean a lot. It makes them aware.
2. Teach: FHE lesson on respect for elderly. Ask them questions about what they have learned.
3. Application: Being nice was easy. Instead have them visit a nursing home every Sunday for 6 months. Have your children journal about this. To retain what they have learned they have to come back to it and reteach/repeat. Reteach within 2-3 days they will retain better.
Example: Lesson on the poor
3. Application: Take them to soup kitchen and serve. Go to the Idaho Food bank. Go to cannery. They need to do something, but then don't forget to follow up. The "doing" process changes them from being good to being valiant.
Example: Eternal families
3. Application: Have them find a name and take it to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.
Example: Work
3. Application: Plan a service project. Do something hard.
They have to come back and do sharing! They have to follow thru. Let them become the teachers. They have to not be afraid to speak what they think.
We want to raise them to have courage to stand up at all costs to testify of Christ.
Story: Professor & Chalk
There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn’t exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can’t do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn’t exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.
Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.
Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God’s love for them and of His power through Jesus.
Follow up thoughts from this semester....
What would I do if my Heavenly Father treated me like I treat my kids?
"Rewind"...to fix a problem...like dropping their backpack in the middle of the floor. They rewind and try it again the right way.
Marshmallow test (delaying gratification)
What started as a simple experiment with children and marshmallows became a landmark study suggesting that the ability to wait—to be patient—was a key character trait that might predict later success in life. "Continue in Patience" by Deiter F. Uchtdorf, Ensign May 2010
"Where thoughts go energy flows."---If your thoughts are focused on the negative things you will feel drained. If you think up and out your energy will increase. Think about this during the summer with your kids out of school. Think positive creative things to do with them this summer.
"Rewind"...to fix a problem...like dropping their backpack in the middle of the floor. They rewind and try it again the right way.
Marshmallow test (delaying gratification)
In the 1960s, a professor at Stanford University began a modest experiment testing the willpower of four-year-old children. He placed before them a large marshmallow and then told them they could eat it right away or, if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two marshmallows.
He then left the children alone and watched what happened behind a two-way mirror. Some of the children ate the marshmallow immediately; some could wait only a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Only 30 percent were able to wait.
It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships.
"Where thoughts go energy flows."---If your thoughts are focused on the negative things you will feel drained. If you think up and out your energy will increase. Think about this during the summer with your kids out of school. Think positive creative things to do with them this summer.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
ADDITIONAL PARENTING CLASS---March 22, 2012
Just a quick reminder....Sister Tanner has graciously agreed to do one additional Parenting Class this semester. It will on March 22, 2012 from 9:30-11:30am. Nursery will be available. The topic is...."Stress and Adversity". Hope to see you all there!
The next Parenting class will start in September.
The next Parenting class will start in September.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Class 9 (Spring 2012)--Morality
Story: Family was getting ready for family activity night. While the girls finished the dishes the Dad & Son went to rent a video. The boy said, "Dad we should see _________ movie." All the kids at school have seen it. Dad said, "I think it's a PG-13 movie." Son said, "What does that mean?" Dad said, "Most of the movie is ok, but there is some violence, language, and/or sexual content." The son thought about it for a few minutes and then said, "Dad we should rent that movie. We are a PG-13 family."
How many of us are raising PG-13 families?
Those single drops become cumulative. We rationalize that it's not that bad.
Question: Am I Parenting PG-13?
Satan has always been anxiously engaged in drawing men & women into his grasp.
We are as wicked today as Sodom & Gomorrah. The only difference is that they were centralized. Now it's everywhere. We are just as wicked or more so than they were then.
Don't teach morality with gloom & doom. Teach it with testimony and a desire to meet the Savior. They need to get the feeling. We focus on the don'ts. Present it in a way that is exciting & desirable like Lehi partaking of the fruit. Present it hand in hand with the doctrine of the family (which is a principle). We don't teach that well enough in our home.
Plan of Salvation...we came to be parents and have children. Everything related is of the Celestial kingdom. The reasons to stay clean and pure is to be pare of the doctrine of the family. We want to be worthy to have eternal increase.
"The Great Plan of Happiness" (Book)
We have to get a testimony of the family the teach morality.
There are 3 things that keep kids moral....(1) Family holds to the standards of the church. (2) Child has good relationships with Dad & Mom. (3) Personal testimony, personal scriptures & personal prayer. These fortify our kids against immorality.
Moroni becomes captain of the armies very young. He fortifies his cities while they are not at war. They dig trenches, put up barricades, built dirt embankments, put spikes on the walls, and watch towers on all 4 corners of the city. When the Lamanites come they are shocked and they left. Then they came back. Then Moroni fortified the individuals with helmets, breastplates, & shields. The Nephites were protected. The Lamanites were open to injury.
Birth to 8 years old is our "time of peace". It is our time to fortify our children. 8-16 years old they are highly involved with the noise of the world. They start to experience fiery darts of the adversary. High School they are completely immersed in the noise of the world.
By the time your children are 8-10 years old they will have been exposed to pornography. most of them at school. Don't let that terrify you. Help fortify them before they get there.
Our personal home because a safety zone.
We only have a partial fortification built if we parent like we were parented. We need to step up the fortification. The adversary is different now than when we were parented. Our parents raised us in a non-cyber society. We can't do what our parents did and expect to maintain morality in our kids.
You have sources in your home that are highly pornographic.
Watching media they aren't ready for can affect them the same as if they experience it first hand.
There should not be an computer or device in your home with access to the internet without a filter on.
Here is a link to a free internet filter, done by an LDS guy. K9 Web Protection
Cell phones that send pictures...hackers can get into that, pull up pictures, with GPS can locate to the bedroom where the picture was taken. You can disable that on your phones.
A police officer went online to a social media site and pretended to be a 15 year old girl. Within 9 minutes 25 men had made sexual comments to "her".
You should be reading your children's texts.
Kids shouldn't have cell phones. Maybe a family cell phone. They don't need it. Those who already have cell phones guard the! Check them regularly! You can take their phone back. It's a privilege not a right. It is a "guarded" privilege.
Story: Spencer has a new football coach in Kuna. He is an amazing man. They had dinner as a teach in Sunday. The new coach is LDS. Spencer wore his Sunday clothes with out a tie. Spencer had sent an email to someone else saying he wanted to have the team pull together more. The new coach got it. He invited Spencer into a private space. He said, "I got that email." He said, "You are the reason I am here. You are good. Do you have a girlfriend?" No "Do you have a cell phone?" No "I love your parents. I can make you a champion." Do you know why??? He is not distracted.
LDS parents live in a bubble. We think they will be immune. There are bishops who say parents would be shocked if they knew what their kids were doing.
The kids need to feel safe.
Question: What do you do if the girl won't let you get the door for her?
Answer: Say to her why don't you get back in and let me open the door for you. I would appreciate being able to do that for you. It might be embarrassing for a minute, but that will get back to the other girls in the school. You are building your reputation. What do you want it to be.
Teach your daughters to allow/and expect them to open the doors.
Girls are most prone to sexual impurity because we raise them wanting to be loved. "Their desire shall be to their husband." Especially if they have been raised in a bad situation they will do anything to be liked by a boy.
There should be no full on body hugs. If they try to, put your hand out and stop them and shake their hand. A side by side hug is ok once in awhile. This begins by teaching your 2 or 3 year old they can't crawl all over the home teachers.
Teach morality starting at age 2.
Morality is....respect and reverence for the body and sacred things.
Lasciviousness = (Websters dictionary) "To wrongly celebrate the capacity to feel so that they lose the capacity to feel." This is the wrong stimulation of sacred feelings. It can come from standing too close, watching movies, touch. The feelings aren't wrong.
Youth get involved in kissing, necking, making out, petting. They need to repent. They feel like if they don't have intercourse they are still clean. They start, but then they stop before they have intercourse. Then they get married in the temple. As they start their marriage they go to that point that they always have before and they have conditioned themselves to shut down at a certain point. Many women have struggles in their sexual relationship for that reason.
Your children will have these feelings. Boys will be aroused at 11 or 12 and will have an erection and not know why they are having them. "Twilight" has some highly inappropriate scenes that will stay in their heads. Do you want your girls remembering that?
Violence in video games. As bad at destroying the spirit as sexual scenes. The more they experience the more desensitized they become.
When they see violence in the news we need to talk about it being part of the last days. It desensitizes them to the spirit. They feel guilty but they squelch that voice. They do that over and over again. Eventually they go where they won't even hear the voice.
Tattoos: Depending on children's sports heroes they could be enticed. Churches stand is no tattoos.
Piercings: Churches stand is 1 for girls, none for boys.
We live in a culture of "no dating until 16". However our 14 year olds can go to dances. This is to teach them proper behavior between boys and girls. Our youth no longer date: Dating is only 1-2x per year to dances like prom. They just "hang out". There is a problem with just hanging out.
Read: Dating versus Hanging Out by Dallin H Oaks, Ensign, June 2006
14-15 year olds want to just "hang out" to watch a movie or play basketball. We condone dating @ 14, but we think if they are just "hanging out" it's ok. Once they get into that group they pair off. Pairing off should only happen when they are ready to get married. "Going together" 10 & 11 yrs olds or 15 yr olds it's the same thing as pairing off.
You can't just have a list of rules. You need to approach the rules with joy in the doctrine of the family.
When their hormones are raging you really need to build your relationship with the child.
We need to teach our girls that we love them unconditionally, boys love them for what they can get out of them.
We have to do better teaching our children to follow through with hard things.
Experience: Sister Tanner's younger brother has been a bishop with lots of kids. They went on missions. The oldest son married a beautiful drop-dead gorgeous girl. They were married in the temple. She was really focused on herself. She was an anchor for a TV news show. When he graduated and wanted to go to medical school. She didn't want to leave her career so they go divorces. She ruined the reputation of the son. Their 2nd daughter got married in the temple and was divorced in less than 6 months. He decided it was too hard. He would go home after work to his helicopter Mom. She would wait on him. His wife was feisty. She wasn't going to grovel. He would rather go home to Mom. Why didn't his parents tell him to go home.
Marriage (real life) is hard work. They need to stick it out and work it out. It's not roses and happily every after isn't real, but they think it's real because that is all they ever see in movies and on TV.
For the Strength of Youth (new pamphlet came out)....Memorize it!
LDS.org has a video with specifics.... "Chastity: What are the limits?" The church is getting more specific because of the world.
Read: "We Are All Enlisted" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, Nov 2011
RULES:
1. Refrain from vulgar language.
5. Dancing to close
6. Never have full body hugs.
7. Limit the time on cell phones.
Other Articles....
"To The Young Women" by Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign Nov 2005
"A Parent's Guide" What to teach at what ages
"Pornography" by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign April 2005
"Sanctity of the Body" by Susan Tanner, Ensign October 2005
"Truths of Moral Purity" by Terrance D. Olson, Ensign, October 1988
"Making the Right Choices" by Richard G. Scott, Ensign, November 1994
"Making the Right Decisions" by Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1991
"Helping Youth Choose Sexual Purity" by Joy Saunders Lundberg, Ensign, October 1991
"Of Souls, Symbols, & Sacraments" by Jeffrey R. Holland, BYU Devotional, Jan 12, 1988
"Bridle All Your Passions" by Bruce C & Marie K. Hafen, Ensign, February 1994
"The Shield of Faith" by Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, May 1995
How many of us are raising PG-13 families?
"Some...justify their viewing choices by comparisons such as “not as bad as” or “only one bad scene.” But the test of what is evil is not its degree but its effect. When persons entertain evil thoughts long enough for the Spirit to withdraw, they lose their spiritual protection and they are subject to the power and direction of the evil one." Pornography by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign April 2005Video games, movies, etc...once it is invited in it cannot be erased even if we are washed clean through repentance.
Those single drops become cumulative. We rationalize that it's not that bad.
Question: Am I Parenting PG-13?
Satan has always been anxiously engaged in drawing men & women into his grasp.
We are as wicked today as Sodom & Gomorrah. The only difference is that they were centralized. Now it's everywhere. We are just as wicked or more so than they were then.
Don't teach morality with gloom & doom. Teach it with testimony and a desire to meet the Savior. They need to get the feeling. We focus on the don'ts. Present it in a way that is exciting & desirable like Lehi partaking of the fruit. Present it hand in hand with the doctrine of the family (which is a principle). We don't teach that well enough in our home.
Plan of Salvation...we came to be parents and have children. Everything related is of the Celestial kingdom. The reasons to stay clean and pure is to be pare of the doctrine of the family. We want to be worthy to have eternal increase.
"The Great Plan of Happiness" (Book)
We have to get a testimony of the family the teach morality.
There are 3 things that keep kids moral....(1) Family holds to the standards of the church. (2) Child has good relationships with Dad & Mom. (3) Personal testimony, personal scriptures & personal prayer. These fortify our kids against immorality.
Moroni becomes captain of the armies very young. He fortifies his cities while they are not at war. They dig trenches, put up barricades, built dirt embankments, put spikes on the walls, and watch towers on all 4 corners of the city. When the Lamanites come they are shocked and they left. Then they came back. Then Moroni fortified the individuals with helmets, breastplates, & shields. The Nephites were protected. The Lamanites were open to injury.
Birth to 8 years old is our "time of peace". It is our time to fortify our children. 8-16 years old they are highly involved with the noise of the world. They start to experience fiery darts of the adversary. High School they are completely immersed in the noise of the world.
By the time your children are 8-10 years old they will have been exposed to pornography. most of them at school. Don't let that terrify you. Help fortify them before they get there.
Our personal home because a safety zone.
We only have a partial fortification built if we parent like we were parented. We need to step up the fortification. The adversary is different now than when we were parented. Our parents raised us in a non-cyber society. We can't do what our parents did and expect to maintain morality in our kids.
You have sources in your home that are highly pornographic.
Watching media they aren't ready for can affect them the same as if they experience it first hand.
There should not be an computer or device in your home with access to the internet without a filter on.
Here is a link to a free internet filter, done by an LDS guy. K9 Web Protection
Cell phones that send pictures...hackers can get into that, pull up pictures, with GPS can locate to the bedroom where the picture was taken. You can disable that on your phones.
A police officer went online to a social media site and pretended to be a 15 year old girl. Within 9 minutes 25 men had made sexual comments to "her".
You should be reading your children's texts.
Kids shouldn't have cell phones. Maybe a family cell phone. They don't need it. Those who already have cell phones guard the! Check them regularly! You can take their phone back. It's a privilege not a right. It is a "guarded" privilege.
Story: Spencer has a new football coach in Kuna. He is an amazing man. They had dinner as a teach in Sunday. The new coach is LDS. Spencer wore his Sunday clothes with out a tie. Spencer had sent an email to someone else saying he wanted to have the team pull together more. The new coach got it. He invited Spencer into a private space. He said, "I got that email." He said, "You are the reason I am here. You are good. Do you have a girlfriend?" No "Do you have a cell phone?" No "I love your parents. I can make you a champion." Do you know why??? He is not distracted.
LDS parents live in a bubble. We think they will be immune. There are bishops who say parents would be shocked if they knew what their kids were doing.
The kids need to feel safe.
Question: What do you do if the girl won't let you get the door for her?
Answer: Say to her why don't you get back in and let me open the door for you. I would appreciate being able to do that for you. It might be embarrassing for a minute, but that will get back to the other girls in the school. You are building your reputation. What do you want it to be.
Teach your daughters to allow/and expect them to open the doors.
Girls are most prone to sexual impurity because we raise them wanting to be loved. "Their desire shall be to their husband." Especially if they have been raised in a bad situation they will do anything to be liked by a boy.
There should be no full on body hugs. If they try to, put your hand out and stop them and shake their hand. A side by side hug is ok once in awhile. This begins by teaching your 2 or 3 year old they can't crawl all over the home teachers.
Teach morality starting at age 2.
Morality is....respect and reverence for the body and sacred things.
Lasciviousness = (Websters dictionary) "To wrongly celebrate the capacity to feel so that they lose the capacity to feel." This is the wrong stimulation of sacred feelings. It can come from standing too close, watching movies, touch. The feelings aren't wrong.
Youth get involved in kissing, necking, making out, petting. They need to repent. They feel like if they don't have intercourse they are still clean. They start, but then they stop before they have intercourse. Then they get married in the temple. As they start their marriage they go to that point that they always have before and they have conditioned themselves to shut down at a certain point. Many women have struggles in their sexual relationship for that reason.
Your children will have these feelings. Boys will be aroused at 11 or 12 and will have an erection and not know why they are having them. "Twilight" has some highly inappropriate scenes that will stay in their heads. Do you want your girls remembering that?
Violence in video games. As bad at destroying the spirit as sexual scenes. The more they experience the more desensitized they become.
When they see violence in the news we need to talk about it being part of the last days. It desensitizes them to the spirit. They feel guilty but they squelch that voice. They do that over and over again. Eventually they go where they won't even hear the voice.
Tattoos: Depending on children's sports heroes they could be enticed. Churches stand is no tattoos.
Piercings: Churches stand is 1 for girls, none for boys.
We live in a culture of "no dating until 16". However our 14 year olds can go to dances. This is to teach them proper behavior between boys and girls. Our youth no longer date: Dating is only 1-2x per year to dances like prom. They just "hang out". There is a problem with just hanging out.
Read: Dating versus Hanging Out by Dallin H Oaks, Ensign, June 2006
14-15 year olds want to just "hang out" to watch a movie or play basketball. We condone dating @ 14, but we think if they are just "hanging out" it's ok. Once they get into that group they pair off. Pairing off should only happen when they are ready to get married. "Going together" 10 & 11 yrs olds or 15 yr olds it's the same thing as pairing off.
You can't just have a list of rules. You need to approach the rules with joy in the doctrine of the family.
When their hormones are raging you really need to build your relationship with the child.
We need to teach our girls that we love them unconditionally, boys love them for what they can get out of them.
We have to do better teaching our children to follow through with hard things.
Experience: Sister Tanner's younger brother has been a bishop with lots of kids. They went on missions. The oldest son married a beautiful drop-dead gorgeous girl. They were married in the temple. She was really focused on herself. She was an anchor for a TV news show. When he graduated and wanted to go to medical school. She didn't want to leave her career so they go divorces. She ruined the reputation of the son. Their 2nd daughter got married in the temple and was divorced in less than 6 months. He decided it was too hard. He would go home after work to his helicopter Mom. She would wait on him. His wife was feisty. She wasn't going to grovel. He would rather go home to Mom. Why didn't his parents tell him to go home.
Marriage (real life) is hard work. They need to stick it out and work it out. It's not roses and happily every after isn't real, but they think it's real because that is all they ever see in movies and on TV.
For the Strength of Youth (new pamphlet came out)....Memorize it!
Church News "For Strength of Youth Updated"
PDF file of "New For Strength of Youth"
LDS.org has a video with specifics.... "Chastity: What are the limits?" The church is getting more specific because of the world.
Read: "We Are All Enlisted" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, Nov 2011
RULES:
1. Refrain from vulgar language.
- We teach "Don't take the Lord's name in vain"
- We use vulgar language
- Vulgar is anything that demeans the human body or it's function or refers to it in an unholy way.
- Using crud, holy crap, and @#!*% off are not ok.
- It will become common to them because they hear it all the time at school. Don't let it become part of their nature.
- Listen to your youth
- Listen to you.
- It's more than avoiding swear words.
- Teach this to your children.
- Leaders of youth...if you see this put a stop to it.
- Question: What if you were laying down first? Answer: Then you sit up. You can't control anyone else.
5. Dancing to close
6. Never have full body hugs.
7. Limit the time on cell phones.
- Parents monitor their emails, shat rooms, cell phones, and texting.
- Are they pairing off?
- Model what you want your girls to wear
- If you bed down and can see down your shirt it is too low
- If you raise your arms you shouldn't see your belly.
- Don't wear pants that are too tight.
- Model the type of girl you would like your son to marry.
- Boys have standards too....pants pulled up, don't show your underwear. Wear your shirt.
- Question: When playing basketball what about shirts & skins? Answer: Playing shirts & skins is like swimming, but don't leave your shirt off while you are not playing.
- The standard of modesty is the garments from birth to death. The Lord has one standard.
- If you have ever done that you need to meet with the bishop and repent.
- Kissing need to be learned by self restraint. If it arouses those feelings you need to stop kissing them until you have a license.
- You have breakfast together, then and activity in the afternoon, then prom all evening. This is not ok. They become too familiar. They are too tired by evening and their guard is down.
- Teach them to have more dates. Shorter ones more often.
- Parent will be unpopular
- Who are they with
- Where are you going
- When will be you returning
- What will you be doing
- Boredom creates trouble
- Nothing good comes from sleepovers
- When you are tired and you have group pressure you do things you shouldn't
- Let them stay until 10:30 or 11:00pm then pick them up and return them in the morning for breakfast.
- My responsibility is to safeguard my children from spiritual trauma.
- Girls camp and scout camp are ok, but do training before they go.
STORY:
I recall an event described by a man I met at a stake conference in the Midwest more than a decade ago. The setting was a beautiful campus in central Illinois. My informant, a participant in a summer workshop, saw a crowd of young students seated on the grass in a large semicircle about 20 feet from one of the large hardwood trees that are so common and so beautiful there. They were watching something at the base of the tree. He turned aside from his walk to see what it was.
There was a handsome tree squirrel with a large, bushy tail playing around the base of the tree—now on the ground, now up and down and around the trunk. But why would that beautiful but familiar sight attract a crowd of students?
Stretched out prone on the grass nearby was an Irish setter. He was the object of the students’ interest, and, though he pretended otherwise, the squirrel was the object of his. Each time the squirrel was momentarily out of sight circling the tree or looking in another direction, the setter would quickly creep forward a few inches and then resume his apparent indifferent posture. Each minute or two he crept closer to the squirrel, and the squirrel apparently did not notice. This was the scene that held the students’ interest. They were silent and immobile, attention riveted on the drama—the probable outcome of which was becoming increasingly obvious.
Finally the setter was close enough to bound at the squirrel and catch it in his mouth. A gasp of horror arose, and the crowd of students surged forward and wrested the beautiful little animal away from the hound, but it was too late. The squirrel was dead.
Anyone in that crowd of students could have warned the squirrel at any time by waving their arms or crying out, but none had done so. They just watched while the inevitable consequence got closer and closer. No one asked “Where will this lead?” and no one wished to interfere. When the predictable outcome occurred, they rushed to the defense, but it was too late. Tearful and regretful expressions were all they could offer.
That true story is a parable of sorts. It has a lesson for things we see in our own lives, in the lives of those around us, and in the events occurring in our cities, states, and nations. In all these areas we can see threats creeping up on things we love, and we cannot afford to be indifferent or quiet. We must be ever vigilant to ask “Where will it lead?” and to sound appropriate warnings or join appropriate preventive efforts while there is still time. Often we cannot prevent the outcome, but we can remove ourselves from the crowd who, by failing to try to intervene, has complicity in the outcome. "Where Will It Lead" by Dallin H Oaks, New Era Aug 2007
________________________Other Articles....
"To The Young Women" by Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign Nov 2005
"A Parent's Guide" What to teach at what ages
"Pornography" by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign April 2005
"Sanctity of the Body" by Susan Tanner, Ensign October 2005
"Truths of Moral Purity" by Terrance D. Olson, Ensign, October 1988
"Making the Right Choices" by Richard G. Scott, Ensign, November 1994
"Making the Right Decisions" by Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 1991
"Helping Youth Choose Sexual Purity" by Joy Saunders Lundberg, Ensign, October 1991
"Of Souls, Symbols, & Sacraments" by Jeffrey R. Holland, BYU Devotional, Jan 12, 1988
"Bridle All Your Passions" by Bruce C & Marie K. Hafen, Ensign, February 1994
"The Shield of Faith" by Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, May 1995
Class 8 (Spring 2012)--Communicating
Your parenting changes with each baby.
Growing up in a family sometimes causes road blocks in communication because it doesn't feel safe.
We talk in an itinerary, but no real depth to the discussion. We do that with our children. We ask..."How was school today?"
Talking at someone and talking to someone are 2 different things.
If you feel safe you open up more otherwise you don't share anything that is personal.
Our brain works 5x faster that we can speak. So when others are speaking our brain is doing something else. What else are you thinking about? Your next response? Your brain does more than pay attention. You are planning your rebutal.
We need to ask questions to understand.
Example:
"Mom, Johnny got his tongue pierced."
"We don't do that at our house?"
We shut them down. What are they really saying?
Example:
"Mom, Johnny got his tongue pierced."
"Wow! What did you think of that?"
"It was so gross!"
"Yes it is."
When you follow this example it says you care what I think because you care enough to ask their opinion.
Question: What do you do if they say, "That is so cool!" to your question.
Answer: Ask more questions. "Do you think it would be hard to eat an apple with that in? How hard do you think it would be to talk?" Ask leading questions. You can usually bring them around to giving the lecture themselves.
2 Important parts of communication.....(1) Ask questions. (2) Listen and hear answers.
Men talk about things. Women talk about feelings. That is what they want to talk about. This is how they communicate. Ask questions that let them talk about those things and then listen to them.
Question: What if they are talking about something you don't care about?
Answer: You learn to care about it because you care about the relationship.
With children ask questions about things and feelings.
We need to teach our children to use electronic things with proper manners. We need to use their "medium" to interact with them, but don't use it exclusively. It is appropriate to text your some and tell him "good luck" if you can't be to his game.
Story: Nate, Sister Tanner's son works at the MTC. He asked someone what the most important thing is to do to prepare to go on a mission. She answered, "Study Preach My Gospel". He said that was a good idea, but the best idea would be to go to the soup kitchen and serve once a week. The reason is that you have to learn to talk to people that are not in your church circle. Ask questions to have them give you their story so they know you care about them.
At school we are given the material to learn and then given a test. We give them the answers back that we learned and get an "A" on the test. They are compliant. There is a set answer. There is no personal self incentive as missionaries. They no longer memorize the discussions. Part of the reason is that they weren't listening to the answers. They were just continuing on with their discussion and not listening. You address people differently depending on their situation. What do you see? Get outside yourself to find out what others have to say.
The goal is to learn what other are really thinking. You can't have a premeditated idea of what they are thinking. You have to really listen.
Foundation is a safe environment.
Example: If your 17 year old son really likes a girl, will he share it? No. He will get teased. It's something that is critical to his heart right now. When we tease him the environment is not safe.
Question: How do you create safety?
Answer: Mom & Dad's bedroom was a safe zone. They could talk about anything there.
Answer: Listen without reacting to the situation.
Answer: Kids open up most when they are alone with you.
Share stories about you at their age, but be careful once they become teenagers. Don't tell them everything you did. Share experiences and what you learned from them.
Communication happens at 2 levels. You have to have both. Family level (it has to be safe with their siblings). Individual level.
Reds feel attacked with direct questions. Put it in the 3rd person. "If you were the Dad what would you do?" This validates them because you are asking for their opinion and gives them power.
If you develop the gift of questions in their response you will find your next question. Listen to their works, but listen to their heart. They heart and words may not be saying the same things.
HOMEWORK: For 1 week practice the 2 question game. Whenever someone tells you something before you can give your opinion or answer you have to ask them 2 questions to clarify.
How often in a conversation do we change it to focus on us? You have to "one up" others. We shut the doors on communication by turning it around on us.
Listening time is not teaching time.
Experience: Spencer (16 year old) has short tendons in the back of his ankles. When he was small he would walk on his tip toes. He plays sports and has lots of pain in his feet. He went to a doctor and they told him he could stretch regularly and continuously or they could do surgery to lengthen the tendons. He is an avid and very good football player. Spencer likes to blame others. The doctor recommends stretching, but Spencer wants surgery to get it done and over with. Mom & Dad said, "We think you can receive revelation for your own body. We want you to fast and pray and get an answer. We will fast & pray with you." He did. He came back to his parents and said, "I feel like I need to have this surgery." They asked, "What helped you with this prompting?" "I had 3 different spiritual confirmations."
The parents were ok with either answer. If they had made the decision and it hadn't work he would have blamed them. They gave him a chance to own the problem and have a spiritual experience. You can stand by your kids, but don't solve the problem for them. Ask questions like..."What are the possibilities? What would happen? (Help them visualize the end)" Allow them to make wrong choices and then instead of lecturing ask questions like..."What did you learn? What do you think you would do differently?"
4 Best Talk/Listen Times:
1. Table time
Other Articles for more reading....
Can Your Children Really Talk to You? by Brad Wilcox, Ensign, Sept 1995
Listen to Learn by Elder Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, May 1991
Agency & Anger by Lynn G. Robbins, Ensign, May 1998
Growing up in a family sometimes causes road blocks in communication because it doesn't feel safe.
We talk in an itinerary, but no real depth to the discussion. We do that with our children. We ask..."How was school today?"
Talking at someone and talking to someone are 2 different things.
As he sat there, staring sullenly at the floor and wrestling with his frustrations, I cradled him in my heart. He wanted to communicate as sincerely as I, but neither of us was having much success.
I felt that if I could just hug or hold him again—the way I did when he was small—maybe he would know of my love and concern. But at sixteen, my son was embarrassed by affectionate displays, especially from his father.
“I’ll never make it,” he moaned. “You expect too much, and I’m just not good enough.”
“That’s not true,” I said. My voice rose as I thought back on my adolescent insecurities. “Why, when I was your age …”
“Dad, you don’t understand,” he interrupted. “I don’t think you’ll ever understand!”
Of course I understood! My heart ached with important things I wanted to tell him—lessons I yearned to teach him. He wasn’t being fair. After all, I wasn’t that old. And it wasn’t that long ago that I had been in his place. How many times had I sincerely told him about my own frustrations as a teenager? How many good scriptures had I quoted him? How often had I sat him down and given him good, sound advice from my own experience? If he would just hear me out, he would realize I knew what I was talking about. But I couldn’t get through to him because I couldn’t get him to listen to me. As he stood abruptly and prepared to leave, I called him back.“Son, why don’t you ever listen?” I asked.
For the first time during our heated exchange, he looked directly at me. His look startled me, but not nearly as much as his reply.
“Dad, all I ever do is listen to you. My question is, why don’t you ever listen to me?”At first, his question surprised and upset me. Even if I had expected him to do all the listening, was that so wrong? After all, I was his father.
As I sat there, I suddenly realized that what my son had said was true. I had been talking and preaching to him when I should have been listening. I had attempted to help him by shouting criticism from my lofty perch. My concern for him was proper, but my outward demonstration of that concern was improper.
If you feel safe you open up more otherwise you don't share anything that is personal.
Our brain works 5x faster that we can speak. So when others are speaking our brain is doing something else. What else are you thinking about? Your next response? Your brain does more than pay attention. You are planning your rebutal.
We need to ask questions to understand.
Example:
"Mom, Johnny got his tongue pierced."
"We don't do that at our house?"
We shut them down. What are they really saying?
Example:
"Mom, Johnny got his tongue pierced."
"Wow! What did you think of that?"
"It was so gross!"
"Yes it is."
When you follow this example it says you care what I think because you care enough to ask their opinion.
Question: What do you do if they say, "That is so cool!" to your question.
Answer: Ask more questions. "Do you think it would be hard to eat an apple with that in? How hard do you think it would be to talk?" Ask leading questions. You can usually bring them around to giving the lecture themselves.
2 Important parts of communication.....(1) Ask questions. (2) Listen and hear answers.
Men talk about things. Women talk about feelings. That is what they want to talk about. This is how they communicate. Ask questions that let them talk about those things and then listen to them.
Question: What if they are talking about something you don't care about?
Answer: You learn to care about it because you care about the relationship.
With children ask questions about things and feelings.
We need to teach our children to use electronic things with proper manners. We need to use their "medium" to interact with them, but don't use it exclusively. It is appropriate to text your some and tell him "good luck" if you can't be to his game.
Story: Nate, Sister Tanner's son works at the MTC. He asked someone what the most important thing is to do to prepare to go on a mission. She answered, "Study Preach My Gospel". He said that was a good idea, but the best idea would be to go to the soup kitchen and serve once a week. The reason is that you have to learn to talk to people that are not in your church circle. Ask questions to have them give you their story so they know you care about them.
At school we are given the material to learn and then given a test. We give them the answers back that we learned and get an "A" on the test. They are compliant. There is a set answer. There is no personal self incentive as missionaries. They no longer memorize the discussions. Part of the reason is that they weren't listening to the answers. They were just continuing on with their discussion and not listening. You address people differently depending on their situation. What do you see? Get outside yourself to find out what others have to say.
Share the following counsel from Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another. . . .Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time! Yet less important appointments are often given priority, leaving only leftover moments for listening to precious partners” Marriage & Family Relations Manual
The goal is to learn what other are really thinking. You can't have a premeditated idea of what they are thinking. You have to really listen.
Foundation is a safe environment.
Example: If your 17 year old son really likes a girl, will he share it? No. He will get teased. It's something that is critical to his heart right now. When we tease him the environment is not safe.
Question: How do you create safety?
Answer: Mom & Dad's bedroom was a safe zone. They could talk about anything there.
Answer: Listen without reacting to the situation.
Answer: Kids open up most when they are alone with you.
Share stories about you at their age, but be careful once they become teenagers. Don't tell them everything you did. Share experiences and what you learned from them.
Communication happens at 2 levels. You have to have both. Family level (it has to be safe with their siblings). Individual level.
Reds feel attacked with direct questions. Put it in the 3rd person. "If you were the Dad what would you do?" This validates them because you are asking for their opinion and gives them power.
When opportunities come to us as parents to have conversations with our children, we teach best by inviting them to express their thoughts and by being positive. To foster an effective learning environment, we need to listen to their points of view, their concerns, and their questions. A good rule is to apply the principle: “Ask, don’t tell.” Ask questions that begin with “How do you feel about … ?” “What is your understanding of … ?” “Why do you think … ?” or “What do you believe is the meaning of … ?” "Becoming our Children's Greatest Teacher" By Ronald KnightonReds are thinkers not feelers.
If you develop the gift of questions in their response you will find your next question. Listen to their works, but listen to their heart. They heart and words may not be saying the same things.
HOMEWORK: For 1 week practice the 2 question game. Whenever someone tells you something before you can give your opinion or answer you have to ask them 2 questions to clarify.
How often in a conversation do we change it to focus on us? You have to "one up" others. We shut the doors on communication by turning it around on us.
Listening time is not teaching time.
Experience: Spencer (16 year old) has short tendons in the back of his ankles. When he was small he would walk on his tip toes. He plays sports and has lots of pain in his feet. He went to a doctor and they told him he could stretch regularly and continuously or they could do surgery to lengthen the tendons. He is an avid and very good football player. Spencer likes to blame others. The doctor recommends stretching, but Spencer wants surgery to get it done and over with. Mom & Dad said, "We think you can receive revelation for your own body. We want you to fast and pray and get an answer. We will fast & pray with you." He did. He came back to his parents and said, "I feel like I need to have this surgery." They asked, "What helped you with this prompting?" "I had 3 different spiritual confirmations."
The parents were ok with either answer. If they had made the decision and it hadn't work he would have blamed them. They gave him a chance to own the problem and have a spiritual experience. You can stand by your kids, but don't solve the problem for them. Ask questions like..."What are the possibilities? What would happen? (Help them visualize the end)" Allow them to make wrong choices and then instead of lecturing ask questions like..."What did you learn? What do you think you would do differently?"
4 Best Talk/Listen Times:
1. Table time
- learn to communicate as a family
- It needs to be safe
- Everyone stays until we are all done eating. They are not excused.
- This is family time.
- Have a bowl full of questions on the table for everyone to draw one.
- Ask them a CTR question for the day. "Share an example of how you chose the right today."
- Ask them about a happy moment
- Share a trial and no one gets to make fun of it.
- Play the "Un-game"---Game with just questions.
- Don't eat dinner in front of the TV.
- As often as you can have family dinner time. It needs to be sacred!
- 1st 15-30 minutes after your kids walk in from school is the best time to talk. They are more eager to talk then.
- Dates---wait up for them to talk as soon as they come in the door.
- Spouse coming home from work...greet him at the door.
- Talk together more often.
- Turn off the radio & music. Have kids take off headphones.
- Ask questions.
- Just have happy talk with your kids. We do that with our friends, but with our children we do lecture talk.
- Their memory packet is what they take with them. Make sure you are in it.
- Talk them into bed don't tuck them into bed.
- It doesn't have to be long periods of time. Set a timer for 2 minutes and ask as many fast fun questions as you can. They don't get to think just answer as quickly as they can.
"I grew up in rural Salt Lake County when it was an economic necessity to care for a variety of barnyard animals. My favorite animals were sheep—prompted perhaps by the fact that sheep do not require being milked twice a day, seven days a week.I wanted our own sons to have the blessing of being shepherds to such farm animals. Our older sons were each provided with a ewe to teach them the responsibility of caring for these sheep and the lambs that would hopefully follow.
Our second son, newly turned six years of age, called me excitedly at my office one cold March morning on the phone and said, “Daddy, guess what? Esther [Esther was his mother ewe]—Esther has just had two baby lambs. Please come home and help me take care of them.” I instructed Gordon to watch the lambs carefully and make sure they received the mother’s milk and they would be fine. I was interrupted by a second phone call later in the morning with the same little voice on the other end saying, “Daddy, these lambs aren’t doing very well. They haven’t been able to get milk from the mother, and they are very cold. Please come home.”
My response likely reflected some of the distress I felt by being distracted from my busy work schedule. I responded, “Gordon, the lambs will be all right. You just watch them, and when Daddy comes home we will make sure they get mother’s milk and everything will be fine.” Again, later in the afternoon I received a third, more urgent call. Now the voice on the other end was pleading. “Daddy, you’ve got to come home now. Those lambs are lying down, and one of them looks very cold.” Despite work pressures, I now felt some real concern and tried to reassure the six-year-old owner of the mother sheep by saying, “Gordon, bring the lambs into the house. Rub them with a gunnysack to make them warm. When Daddy comes home in a little while, we will milk the mother, feed the lambs, and they will be fine.”
Two hours later I drove into the driveway of our home and was met by a boy with tear-stained eyes, carrying a dead lamb in his arms. His grief was overwhelming. Now I tried to make amends by quickly milking the mother sheep and trying to force the milk from a bottle down the throat of the now weak, surviving lamb. At this point, Gordon walked out of the room and came back with a hopeful look in his eyes. He said, “Daddy, I’ve prayed that we will be able to save this lamb, and I feel it will be all right.”
-----------------------------The sad note to this story, brethren, is that within a few minutes the second lamb was dead. Then with a look that I will remember forever, this little six-year-old boy who had lost both of his lambs looked up into his father’s face and with tears running down his cheeks said, “Daddy, if you had come home when I first called you, we could have saved them both.” "Feed My Sheep" May 1994 Ensign Richard Lindsay
Other Articles for more reading....
Can Your Children Really Talk to You? by Brad Wilcox, Ensign, Sept 1995
Listen to Learn by Elder Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, May 1991
Agency & Anger by Lynn G. Robbins, Ensign, May 1998
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