Those questions and answers will be posted here. Thanks! Andrea
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QUESTION:
Hi Sister Tanner-
Lately, I have been quit concerned that my son says he doesn't like Jesus and he hates church. He is 5. He has always attended church, we read scriptures every night, and he even remembers to thank Jesus in his prayers every night. I'm beside myself trying to figure out the best way to handle it. And don't know that I have handled it well. We put a picture up above his bed, which later I found taken down and hidden because he says he doesn't want it in his room because its not cool. I put it back up and told him he wasn't to take it down again. I had a big conversation with him about Jesus and he seemed to listen, but insists he still doesn't want the picture up, and that he doesn't like him. I just feel so sad about it. My son is very head strong. I worry about this all the time. I think he could be a very valiant servant as long as his testimony is strong, but he could also go very astray if he decided that is what he wanted to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you!
~T~
ANSWER:
It is so hard when one of our little ones seems to pull away from the Savior. It is hard to remember at such times that this is not what they will be like forever. We tend to look at such experiences and think that they will never love the Savior or go on a mission or...... but that is not true. Elder Packer said that you can no more force a testimony to grow than you can force a seed to sprout. We have to provide the environment so the seed can grow.I would not force a child to have a picture of the Savior in their room if they did not want it. I would have one in my room or in other places of the house so he could see it but you cannot force them to want it.It is good to keep praying and reading the scriptures together and to reinforce the teachings in love. As the child feels your love for the Savior and for him, he will soften. If he feels you are angry or fearful for him he will resist. Take time to express your gratitude for the Savior in moments when he does not feel you are "preaching" to him. For example: look at the night sky and say, " I am so grateful that the Savior made all these beautiful stars". or "I am so grateful that the Savior knew how to color all these leaves. I love the wonderful color of the fall."Most of all just express love for your little one. The more he feels your love the more it prepares him to feel the Savior's love for him. Some evening when you feel it is right, kneel down by his bed with him and you be the voice in the prayer as you pray and thank the Lord for sending him to you and expressing to Heavenly Father how much you love him. Express in your prayer some of the specific things that make this child special and why it is such a blessing to have him in your family. As you pray, the Holy Ghost can bear witness to him of your love for him and also Heavenly Fathers love for him. It will come as you provide an environment where the spirit can touch his heart.Remember, you cannot command love for Heavenly Father, you can only show them how wonderful it feels.~Sister Tanner~
QUESTION:
Sister Tanner,
I am having a hard time helping my children understand--I am not even sure what I am trying to define, maybe respect or obedience. I have a 5, 3 and 2 year old. When I am speaking to another adult they are constantly fighting for my attention. They start with "mom this and mom that." Sometimes physically turning my head to look at them. It becomes awkward in my conversations when I am not sure if I am being rude by not listen to my child or being rude to the adult I am talking to by letting our conversation get interrupted frequently. I honestly try to calmly tell my children "mommy needs to talk/listen to ____. I will help you soon." All the phrases/techniques I seem to come up with seem to be NO help. We have this problem even when Mom and Dad are trying to talk to each other. I would appreciate any suggestions you may have.
ANSWER:
It is very hard for little children to understand that they have to wait their turn when they want your attention. One of their mistaken ideas of value is they feel they are only important if you are paying attention to them. That means if you are paying attention to someone else they feel a little threatened . It is especially hard for little ones that do not understand the concept of time. When you tell them to wait a minute they do not know what that really means. As adults we have a hard time also because we will tell them to wait a minute and then we go on talking for another half hour which is an eternity to them. It is important to teach them to respect other people and not interrupt and at the same time we must respect them.
I would begin teaching the concept at a home evening. We need to teach them what they can do to get our attention in a positive way. I would teach them to come up to me and quietly put their hand on my arm without saying anything. I would then know that they needed something. I would finish my sentence or thought and then say excuse me for a minute to the person I was talking to and turn to the child and ask them how I could help them. If is was something valid, I would help them. If it was something to just get my attention and want to engage me, I would let them know that I would be finished in a few minutes and then would help them. You then need to be sensitive to the child and not go on for hours with the friend. If they persisted, I would invite them to leave the room until I was finished. This should be role-played in family home evening with you taking both the parent and child roles and the child taking both roles. You still have to remember that they are very little and they cannot and should not be put off for long periods of time. If you and your husband have something to discuss that will take a longer period of time, it should be handled when the children do not need your attention.
~Sister Tanner~
You can also read more about "undo attention" in Discipline #1
~Andrea~
QUESTION:
Sister Tanner,
You said something in class today that
I want to make sure that I understand completely. You were talking about
kids feeling entitled and connected that to them having call phones to
"check in". I have three teenagers and they do all have cell
phones. I have to admit that I like it because I can reach them
whenever I need to, which is often!! I did have an experience with my 17
year old son today which I think may have been what you were talking
about. I won't go into detail about what happened with him other than
saying that it had to do with him pulling his weight at home. I needed
him here and he wasn't. Could you please explain a little more what you
were talking about so that I can understand it better. I appreciate your
wisdom and I feel so blessed to be able to come to your class each week to feel
the spirit and learn how to be a better parent. My family has been
blessed by my attendance in your class!
ANSWER:
Cell phones are not in and of themselves right or wrong. They can have a lot of good use. The problem comes when youth think phones are a right and not a privilege. There is also a problem with parenting when we think that if we just know where our children are, that is enough. Youth need to have responsibilities in the home and be a part of the family unit in learning, working, playing and spiritual activities. All of their time should not be with friends-- texting when they are home or thinking if they are not in school they need to be with their friends.
As parents, we need to provide activities in the home where we work, play and study together as a family. It is good and essential for youth to have activities with friends, they need to learn how to interact with other people. However, it should never superseded the importance of the family unit. I think as parents we need to use better cell phone manners and teach our children the same thing.
~Sister Tanner~
I found a great website that had a sample cell phone contract for teenagers and parents.
~Andrea~
