Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Class 5 (Spring 2012)--Discipline Part 1

This is a week of discovery.  Be aware of yourself this week...no guilt...just discovery.

Bishop Robert D. Hales (Ensign Nov 1993 pg 9)
"In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children.  Children naturally look to their parents to learn of he characteristics of their Heavenly Father.  After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father.

  • How you discipline is key in teaching this.
  • This happens when we referee our children.  We correct them with good intent.  We teach them to be discouraged because the can't ever do it right.
  • Does that mean that I can't correct them?  No they need to be parented with exactness & firmness.
God, Family, and Country pg 224, President Benson
"Parents are directly responsible for the righteous rearing of their children, and this responsibility cannot be safely delegated to relatives, friends, neighbors, the school, or the state.  'I appeal to you parents; take nothing for granted about your children., said President J. Reuben Clark Jr. 'The bulk of them of course are good, but some of us do not know when they begin to go away from the path of truth and righteousness.  Be watchful every day and hour.  Never relax your care, your solicitude.  Rule kindly in the spirit of the Gospel and the spirit of the Priesthood, but rule, if you wish your children to follow the right path.' Permissive parents are part of the problem"

Correct with firmness & quickly.  

Garden of Eden example:  Heavenly Father taught Adam & Eve, gave them a commandment, and the left them.  They blew it.  Adam said, "Eve made me do it."  Eve said, "The serpent made me do it."  Follow the pattern of the Lord for parenting.  He didn't give them a 2nd chance and they didn't get a lecture.  He sent them out of the garden, but didn't leave them alone.  He never withdrew his presence.  He still taught them through the Holy Ghost.  

Our kids feel like we don't like them because they make mistakes over and over.

Story:
There is a young mother with 1 baby.  She is 8-9 months old.  The baby slept with the parents until just recently and then was only moved because she didn't like to sleep with the parents any more.  She was asked how long she was going to nurse. She said, "Until the baby doesn't like it.  When she (the child) is tired of nursing we'll quit."  Who is governing the home?

French parents vs American parents: (This is the link to an article about "Why French parents are superior to American parents.)
  • We are too permissive.  We give into out children.  We buy their peace by buying them off with computer time, play time, food, things.  French parents taught their children by telling them "no".  Everything we do teaches them something...good or bad.  French parents don't discipline their children they "educate" them.  
Discipline vs. punishment
  • We cannot take away their agency.
  • It is the only thing we can give back to our Heavenly Father.
  • We need to train/teach our children good behavior.  Our goal is to train them to be self-governing.  This is the key to discipline.
Kids have very few role models.  The world worships movie stars, athletes covered in tatoos, music that is devoid of the Spirit.  Even the Disney channel has kids pairing up at the age of 8 or 9 years old.

Twilight series in not good or uplifting.  It doesn't put good images even in adult minds. 

We need to create a Helaman so they know what "good" is.

Children are given way too little responsibility.  They live a life a leisure. 

Leisure time & instant gratification...those are what teach disrespect in our children.  That coupled with the way we discipline and it's contrary to the way we want.


Boyd K. Packer  1970 Improvement Era pg 106....
"...leave off trying to alter your child just for a little while and concentrate on yourself.  The changes must begin with you, not with your children.  You can't continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct was one of the things that produced it....teaching discipline to children, then, requires that parents discipline themselves.  This means becoming Christlike."


Spanking doesn't work.  Yelling doesn't work except to make you feel better for a minute.

We really want to control their behavior.  Reds have very little patience because of power.  Blue parents want to control to help them be good.   Blues stop talking...you lecture forever.


This week focus on you not your spouse.  What do you do when your children misbehave?  You are going to feel really guilty with what you do.  Next week she will give us 13 tools.  One will work for any color.  What is your style?  Do you lecture, nag, send them to their room?


Most parents give way too much freedom at the beginning.  They give their little ones everything.  They try pleasing their child.  They boundaries are really broad and then at age 6 we start to pull their boundaries back in and they fight against it.  


The Lord's plan is to keep the boundaries small until they grow and we can add to it.  They are baptized at 8, priesthood at 12, etc.  More responsibility at they get older.


Reasons Teens Misbehave....11/12 yrs +
  • Power
  • Thrill (Adrenaline rush) 
Younger children misbehave for mistaken goals.  They they feel like those needs are not being met.  They feel discouraged.

Look at your child and their emotional bank account.  They think..."I'm no good."  "Your mean and that justifies my being me." 

You think you are teaching when you are talking, but that isn't what they are hearing when you tell them what "not" to do.  How often have you been mad at them?  How often have you said something good to them?  That they thought was good?  10:1 (Positives to negatives)

When a younger child misbehaves it's because they are discouraged....

Different levels of Discouragement:
    1. Undue Attention
      • Child feels that you must be getting your constant attention to reassure him that he still belongs, is okay and loved.
      • Parents reaction--you feel annoyed.  Tend to remind & coax
      • Need to ignore the incorrect behavior, never give attention on demand
      • Encourage belonging & participating through cooperation
      • Give attention after situation is diffused and whenever child responds in appropriate manner
      • We set our kids up to fail in their marriages because they think someone should always be paying attention to them or they aren't happy.
      • Teach your children to play alone.  
      • Happiness comes from inside
      • When they are doing something right comment on that.  
      • Teach your little ones you are coming back.  They can play very short periods of time a lone.  
    2. Power
      • Child feels important only if he gets his own way; feels if he complies to a stronger power he loses his self worth.
      • Parents reaction--you feel angry, provoked.  Tent to fight for control.
      • Need to withdraw from the conflict, but refuse to give in;
      • Be firm about what "you" will do rather than about what child will do
      • Give choices, logical consequences
      • Futile to correct verbally, you must act
      • When behavior changes, don't punish for power struggle, but rather build on present desire to cooperate.
    3. Revenge
      • Child feels desire to hurt you since you've hurt them.
      • Parents reaction---you feel hurt.  Tend to retaliate and get even.
      • Need to live five things that you like about the child to soften your attitude
      • Don't take it personally
      • Use natural consequences, avoid punishment/retaliation
      • build trusting relationship; convince the child that he is loved.
    4. I can't
      • Child gives up.
You cannot build a positive on a negative foundation!  


Nagging, lecturing are quicksand to their souls.  


Our world teaches self indulgence in everything.  We need to use positive discipline & withdraw instant gratification.  


HOMEWORK:  
  1. Watch yourselves and what you do when they misbehave.  What are your feelings when you are disciplining them?  Check your feelings this week.  They are probably feeling defeated and you will to.
  2. Watch how often you validate them with positives to negatives....What they think are positives. 
To get rid of the feelings of entitlement....withhold instant gratification, teach them to work, teach them service.

Jeffrey R. Holland, “Within the Clasp of Your Arms,Ensign, May 1983, 36

Early in our married life my young family and I were laboring through graduate school at a university in New England. Pat was the Relief Society president in our ward, and I was serving in our stake presidency. I was going to school full-time and teaching half-time. We had two small children then, with little money and lots of pressures. In fact, our life was about like yours.
One evening I came home from long hours at school, feeling the proverbial weight of the world on my shoulders. Everything seemed to be especially demanding and discouraging and dark. I wondered if the dawn would ever come. Then, as I walked into our small student apartment, there was an unusual silence in the room. 

“What’s the trouble?” I asked. 

“Matthew has something he wants to tell you,” Pat said. 

“Matt, what do you have to tell me?” He was quietly playing with his toys in the corner of the room, trying very hard not to hear me. “Matt,” I said a little louder, “do you have something to tell me?” 

He stopped playing, but for a moment didn’t look up. Then these two enormous, tear-filled brown eyes turned toward me, and with the pain only a five-year-old can know, he said, “I didn’t mind Mommy tonight, and I spoke back to her.” With that he burst into tears, and his entire little body shook with grief. A childish indiscretion had been noted, a painful confession had been offered, the growth of a five-year-old was continuing, and loving reconciliation could have been wonderfully underway. 

Everything might have been just terrific—except for me. If you can imagine such an idiotic thing, I lost my temper. It wasn’t that I lost it with Matt—it was with a hundred and one other things on my mind; but he didn’t know that, and I wasn’t disciplined enough to admit it. He got the whole load of bricks. 

I told him how disappointed I was and how much more I thought I could have expected from him. I sounded like the parental pygmy I was. Then I did what I had never done before in his life—I told him that he was to go straight to bed and that I would not be in to say his prayers with him or to tell him a bedtime story. Muffling his sobs, he obediently went to his bedside, where he knelt—alone—to say his prayers. Then he stained his little pillow with tears his father should have been wiping away. 

If you think the silence upon my arrival was heavy, you should have felt it now. Pat did not say a word. She didn’t have to. I felt terrible! 

Later, as we knelt by our own bed, my feeble prayer for blessings upon my family fell back on my ears with a horrible, hollow ring. I wanted to get up off my knees right then and go to Matt and ask his forgiveness, but he was long since peacefully asleep. 

My relief was not so soon coming; but finally I fell asleep and began to dream, which I seldom do. I dreamed Matt and I were packing two cars for a move. For some reason his mother and baby sister were not present. As we finished I turned to him and said, “Okay, Matt, you drive one car and I’ll drive the other.” 

This five-year-old very obediently crawled up on the seat and tried to grasp the massive steering wheel. I walked over to the other car and started the motor. As I began to pull away, I looked to see how my son was doing. He was trying—oh, how he was trying. He tried to reach the pedals, but he couldn’t. He was also turning knobs and pushing buttons, trying to start the motor. He could scarcely be seen over the dashboard, but there staring out at me again were those same immense, tear-filled, beautiful brown eyes. As I pulled away, he cried out, “Daddy, don’t leave me. I don’t know how to do it. I am too little.” And I drove away. 

A short time later, driving down that desert road in my dream, I suddenly realized in one stark, horrifying moment what I had done. I slammed my car to a stop, threw open the door, and started to run as fast as I could. I left car, keys, belongings, and all—and I ran. The pavement was so hot it burned my feet, and tears blinded my straining effort to see this child somewhere on the horizon. I kept running, praying, pleading to be forgiven and to find my boy safe and secure.
As I rounded a curve nearly ready to drop from physical and emotional exhaustion, I saw the unfamiliar car I had left Matt to drive. It was pulled carefully off to the side of the road, and he was laughing and playing nearby. An older man was with him, playing and responding to his games. Matt saw me and cried out something like, “Hi, Dad. We’re having fun.” Obviously he had already forgiven and forgotten my terrible transgression against him. 

But I dreaded the older man’s gaze, which followed my every move. I tried to say “Thank you,” but his eyes were filled with sorrow and disappointment. I muttered an awkward apology and the stranger said simply, “You should not have left him alone to do this difficult thing. It would not have been asked of you.” 

With that, the dream ended, and I shot upright in bed. My pillow was now stained, whether with perspiration or tears I do not know. I threw off the covers and ran to the little metal camp cot that was my son’s bed. There on my knees and through my tears I cradled him in my arms and spoke to him while he slept. I told him that every dad makes mistakes but that they don’t mean to. I told him it wasn’t his fault I had had a bad day. I told him that when boys are five or fifteen, dads sometimes forget and think they are fifty. I told him that I wanted him to be a small boy for a long, long time, because all too soon he would grow up and be a man and wouldn’t be playing on the floor with his toys when I came home. I told him that I loved him and his mother and his sister more than anything in the world and that whatever challenges we had in life we would face them together. I told him that never again would I withhold my affection or my forgiveness from him, and never, I prayed, would he withhold them from me. I told him I was honored to be his father and that I would try with all my heart to be worthy of such a great responsibility.

12 comments:

Emily said...

After leaving the class today, I realized I should really clarify the story I told. In trying to condense the story I left out key parts that illustrate my son's character.
My son is a sweetheart. He's 3 years old, but he really does try to be good. We had an especially rough day yesterday, and today he was working very hard to be good (I think he may have a lot of white in him).
One of our rules is that we don't jump on game boxes. We played Candyland this morning, and when I had to stop and nurse the baby he kept playing. He then asked me to look up while he jumped over the board. I cheered for him, and he asked me to watch again. This time he jumped right on top of the box. Thinking he was doing this just to KEEP my attention, I started the blue lecture, only to have him tell me to stop talking. I could read in his face that he hadn't jumped on the box to be disobedient, but to show me that he knew what no-nos were but he didn't know how to use his words correctly to tell me he was going to be obedient. So he showed me. Of course that was still a no-no, and we talked later how he could have communicated that differently. But taking the time to understand him with the Spirit helped me repent quickly when I crushed him with my short lecture. It made a big difference to pour out love instead of consequences.

Mrs. D said...

So this morning before class, I felt my hands were full. I needed to shower and my 8 month old son gets fussy, which I don't like, if he is left alone too long. I told my two year old daughter to stay around him and not to come in the bathroom while I was showering. Usually this isn't a problem. I apparently got a little frustrated and said something I shouldn't have. She repeated it to me when she came in and looked at me, "Mom you make me mad." I was very sad to see that I had said that, because I thought I had "done good" this week while watching the way I parent. Whoops!

Anonymous said...

I am taking Sis. Tanner up on her promise to answer questions this week. I am really struggling with figuring out my kids' color codes. Pretty sure there are no whites (thank goodness!) but that's all I can figure. My oldest daughter is very bossy and controlling, so at first I thought she was a red. But she is also very creative; she's a bit of a slob (messy room); she's social but also loves to be alone and read; and I am seeing the "moral" blue in her. She wants everyone to do things "right" and gets mad when she feels wronged or that a sibling has wronged another sib (where the bossyness and controlling aspects come in). So I'm thinking not red afterall. Anyway, I can't quite figure her out. I'm a blue/red and she and I clash a lot. What are your thoughts?

My other child I am struggling with is my 6 year old daughter. She's the 3rd child and I'm afraid she has 3rd child syndrome. Tons of attention seeking behavior. daily. (Sharpie on walls, toothpaste all over the bathroom, fighting with sibs, etc...). She's driving the whole family nuts. I know we don't give her enough one on one time, and we are working on it. Is she just so depleted emotionally that everything we try is like tiny drops in a huge bucket? I feel like our efforts to show her love are futile. And while we are trying to do so, she keeps doing these crazy things that we have to address. I can't figure her color out either. I'm thinking yellow--just b/c she just plays in her room when it's time to get dressed and make bed...won't do anything she is supposed to without me right there helping her. Eventually she pushes me to the edge and I yell at her.... I feel so discouraged and feel like I don't have enough time to give my 4 kids the one-on-one they all need. Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

I would also like to take Sister Tanner up on her offer to answer questions this week. I have a 12 year old daughter who only gives a half-hearted effort to any chore she is required to complete. Doesn't matter if it is big or small. Example: If she is cleaning her bathroom she really does a sloppy job.........leaving all kinds of things undone. Even if I go through the check list with her before hand of what is required to have the bathroom acceptable. Or, when she does something as easy as take out the bathroom garbage she will not pick up any trash that has fallen on the floor around the can even though we have talked about that MANY times. I usually make her go back and finish the job correctly. If it is a newer job that she is still learning I try to be with her and help her remember all the steps involved. She is a very messy child. She very rarely thinks of others or how her actions affect others. Never says thank you to my husband and I for things that we do for her. She won't manage her time, won't think about what she will need for school the next day or get her bag ready. I have such a hard time with this because I was the complete opposite of this when I was her age........kept track of homework on my own, always had everything ready the night before for school, practiced my piano without being told, got up on Saturday mornings and cleaned the whole house, got myself to bed on time every night. It is making me crazy that not only can I not expect all of those things from my daughter, I can't even count on her to do one! And she used to be better about those things when she was younger. She is such a funny girl! Has a spectacular sense of humor and is fabulous at making us laugh and I hate that I find myself overlooking her good attributes and seeing only the bad! What am I doing wrong or what can I do to help her get moving!?

Anonymous said...

When listening to the story Sister Tanner gave about her daughter and the shoe incident, instead of saying "I'm sorry" all the time, are there other words that you suggest that can be used?

Linsey said...

I wanted to post my new self discovery! I have realized now that when I am in my own home and with my family my strongest color is blue. But whenever I am in public, around friends, extended family (parents, siblings), at church, the store...my strongest color is then white.

I get frustrated because when I am around family members and I turn into white, everyone around me tends to take over and parent my children. If a situation arises between my boys (5 yrs and 3 1/2 yrs)someone else takes over the situation while i sit back and watch this person take care of it. I can hear in my mind the way I would prefer to deal with it but by then it is too late. I do not like how I become a wimp in front of people in order to keep the peace.

I have also realized it is very important for my kids that I do need to be consistant no matter where we are or they learn where it is they can get away with inappropriate behavior. I am grateful to be able to have recognized this. I have for a long time wondered where the problem originated from and as a Blue I did blame myself but could never put a finger on it. Now I know where I need to improve on.

Anonymous said...

I have a 5 year old and 3 year old who wake up no later than 6:30AM. 6:30AM is fine, but when they wake up earlier than that, sometimes it's 5:45AM, it's too early! Our 3 rooms are right next to each other and I'm sure they hear my husband and I when we get up. It's difficult because we try to study our scriptures and exercise in the morning before they get up, but I swear every time, at least one of them wakes up and it ruins what we're wanting to do. I've tried putting them back to bed, but they can't or won't sleep. If they wake up before 6:30, should I welcome them and change my routine, or is this one of those things where I'd be teaching them entitlement for interfering I guess with "my time." Or do I just need to accept the fact that they wake up early and change when I read scriptures, etc.? Is there something I can do so they'll stay in bed a little longer? :) maybe come out at a certain time? Help!

Andrea said...

My twins used to do this to us. I am not a morning person and I get really crabby when I get woken up. We started out playing a game with them with matching things. At first it was colors and then shapes and then we added numbers and the clock with the big hand and little hand. I had 2 paper clocks with moveable hands. I would set a time and then have them move the other hands to match it. When I was sure they had the concept we started using the clocks throughout the day and made a chart...breakfast was at 8:00. Lunch was at 12:00. We did story time, Dad's coming home time, snack time, dinner time, bath time, etc. Whatever you want to use. Then when the clock on the wall said that time we did that thing. I would pin their clock underneath the one on the wall with the next "time" and picture of what would happen next by it. They got so they would watch the clock and tell me if the 2 clocks matched yet. This took a couple of weeks to get them into the habit of doing this and really making sure they understood the concept. Then I told them we were going to play a game. It was the "wake up" game. We made a big deal out of it and bought them a clock for their wall in their room. Then we got a paper clock and put it underneath the one on their wall. I told them that they had to stay in their room and do quiet things until the clocks matched and they could come wake me up. Then after they went to sleep I would put a few books, board puzzles,or different toys in their room under the clock. When they woke up they could play with those until the clocks matched then they could come in and wake me up. They did not always follow it, but they got so they did much better. When they would wait until time to get up they would get a big hug or an extra story or a small treat with breakfast. This worked really well for us. We continued to use the same thing as they got bigger with getting ready for school and on the bus. Then it was the clock telling them what was next not Mom. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for that great idea! i love it and am going to try it. it really helped having you be so specific and detailed about it. yah! i'm super excited, thanks again.

Anonymous said...

I feel like this past week things for me and my family have been clicking. I have really tried hard to change me and to better myself and not to blame it all on what my kids need to be doing better or change. Our family has been through a pretty rough go over the past several years with a child who has a congenital disease and loss of job and many moves and so on to where I know that I am being put through the refiners fire right now. It is my personality to blame others which effects me and my situation. I have learned since starting this parenting class that I have a great deal to change within myself. I need to take responsibility for my actions and not worry about what others are doing. Changing myself will ultimately be better for myself and my salvation, my marriage, and my family because I am also learning that Heavenly Father has endowed me as a woman and a mother with nurturing gifts to raise righteous sons and daughters here on earth to hopefully one day return back to our Heavenly Father. I have so much to learn, so much to change and be better and through the past several weeks I have found hope and faith that I change repent and change and become the best wife, mom and daughter I can be. Because I do want to teach my children correct principles and let them govern themselves. I want them to know that I have a testimony of this amazing plan of happiness that our merciful Heavenly Father has created for us. I don't even know if I am making any sense while I write this, but I have come to a better place by just following the teachings of the gospel more fully and this class has helped me do those things that I need to be doing to develop a better relationship with my Savior. I am changing and I have a ways to go, but I wanted to share that I have seen the blessings start to come by living the gospel principles. My children are happier and don't act out as much. They are helpful and share in the load that I used to carry as a mom all by my self (like household jobs). They are also learning to pray and get answers. They are learning about scripture heroes as we have read the scriptures on a daily basis. I am so happy with how things are going and I just hope and pray that I can continue to grow and learn and become more Christlike and never stop or get complacent with my study of the gospel. Thank you for guiding me to exactly what I needed in my life right now, and what I know my family needs to be able to survive in these last days. I am grateful for families and for the plan of happiness and for the gospel which leads us to Christ. He is amazing and can heal anything. I am grateful for his many tender mercies which he gives me on a daily basis- some of which I don't even recognize until way after- but I know he is continually giving them to reassure me of His love for me. Thank you for teaching this class, I know you teach through the Spirit because I am changing and have been touched. Thank you.

Sister Tanner said...

Instead of saying "I'm sorry you are upset....." You can say, "I can see that you are upset......" What you want to do is show that you are trying to acknowledge how they feel but you are not willing to give in. In a power struggle, the less you say the better it is. You need to simply withdraw yourself from the conflict at the moment and return to it when you are both calm. Sister Tanner

Eric and Terrilynn said...

I also have a three year old. He had a hard time sleeping through the night until I finally got a timer for his night light and when the light turned off is when it was time to get up. It was a HUGE difference! I would have tried the clock thing but he is not able to do that yet and we needed a quicker solution to the problem.