Class 5 (Spring 2012)--Discipline Part 1

This is a week of discovery.  Be aware of yourself this week...no guilt...just discovery.

Bishop Robert D. Hales (Ensign Nov 1993 pg 9)
"In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children.  Children naturally look to their parents to learn of he characteristics of their Heavenly Father.  After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father.

• How you discipline is key in teaching this.
• This happens when we referee our children.  We correct them with good intent.  We teach them to be discouraged because the can't ever do it right.
• Does that mean that I can't correct them?  No they need to be parented with exactness & firmness.

God, Family, and Country pg 224, President Benson

"Parents are directly responsible for the righteous rearing of their children, and this responsibility cannot be safely delegated to relatives, friends, neighbors, the school, or the state.  'I appeal to you parents; take nothing for granted about your children., said President J. Reuben Clark Jr. 'The bulk of them of course are good, but some of us do not know when they begin to go away from the path of truth and righteousness.  Be watchful every day and hour.  Never relax your care, your solicitude.  Rule kindly in the spirit of the Gospel and the spirit of the Priesthood, but rule, if you wish your children to follow the right path.' Permissive parents are part of the problem"

Correct with firmness & quickly.  

Garden of Eden example:  Heavenly Father taught Adam & Eve, gave them a commandment, and the left them.  They blew it.  Adam said, "Eve made me do it."  Eve said, "The serpent made me do it."  Follow the pattern of the Lord for parenting.  He didn't give them a 2nd chance and they didn't get a lecture.  He sent them out of the garden, but didn't leave them alone.  He never withdrew his presence.  He still taught them through the Holy Ghost.  

Our kids feel like we don't like them because they make mistakes over and over.

Story:

There is a young mother with 1 baby.  She is 8-9 months old.  The baby slept with the parents until just recently and then was only moved because she didn't like to sleep with the parents any more.  She was asked how long she was going to nurse. She said, "Until the baby doesn't like it.  When she (the child) is tired of nursing we'll quit."  Who is governing the home?

French parents vs American parents: (This is the link to an article about "Why French parents are superior to American parents.)

• We are too permissive.  We give into out children.  We buy their peace by buying them off with computer time, play time, food, things.  French parents taught their children by telling them "no".  Everything we do teaches them something...good or bad.  French parents don't discipline their children they "educate" them.  

Discipline vs. punishment

• We cannot take away their agency.
• It is the only thing we can give back to our Heavenly Father.
• We need to train/teach our children good behavior.  Our goal is to train them to be self-governing.  This is the key to discipline.

Kids have very few role models.  The world worships movie stars, athletes covered in tatoos, music that is devoid of the Spirit.  Even the Disney channel has kids pairing up at the age of 8 or 9 years old.

Twilight series in not good or uplifting.  It doesn't put good images even in adult minds. 

We need to create a Helaman so they know what "good" is.

Children are given way too little responsibility.  They live a life a leisure. 

Leisure time & instant gratification...those are what teach disrespect in our children.  That coupled with the way we discipline and it's contrary to the way we want.


Boyd K. Packer  1970 Improvement Era pg 106....
"...leave off trying to alter your child just for a little while and concentrate on yourself.  The changes must begin with you, not with your children.  You can't continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct was one of the things that produced it....teaching discipline to children, then, requires that parents discipline themselves.  This means becoming Christlike."


Spanking doesn't work.  Yelling doesn't work except to make you feel better for a minute.

We really want to control their behavior.  Reds have very little patience because of power.  Blue parents want to control to help them be good.   Blues stop talking...you lecture forever.


This week focus on you not your spouse.  What do you do when your children misbehave?  You are going to feel really guilty with what you do.  Next week she will give us 13 tools.  One will work for any color.  What is your style?  Do you lecture, nag, send them to their room?


Most parents give way too much freedom at the beginning.  They give their little ones everything.  They try pleasing their child.  They boundaries are really broad and then at age 6 we start to pull their boundaries back in and they fight against it.  


The Lord's plan is to keep the boundaries small until they grow and we can add to it.  They are baptized at 8, priesthood at 12, etc.  More responsibility at they get older.


Reasons Teens Misbehave....11/12 yrs +

• Power
• Thrill (Adrenaline rush) 

Younger children misbehave for mistaken goals.  They they feel like those needs are not being met.  They feel discouraged.

Look at your child and their emotional bank account.  They think..."I'm no good."  "Your mean and that justifies my being me." 

You think you are teaching when you are talking, but that isn't what they are hearing when you tell them what "not" to do.  How often have you been mad at them?  How often have you said something good to them?  That they thought was good?  10:1 (Positives to negatives)

When a younger child misbehaves it's because they are discouraged....

Different levels of Discouragement:

1. Undue Attention
• Child feels that you must be getting your constant attention to reassure him that he still belongs, is okay and loved.
• Parents reaction--you feel annoyed.  Tend to remind & coax
• Need to ignore the incorrect behavior, never give attention on demand
• Encourage belonging & participating through cooperation
• Give attention after situation is diffused and whenever child responds in appropriate manner
• We set our kids up to fail in their marriages because they think someone should always be paying attention to them or they aren't happy.
• Teach your children to play alone.  
• Happiness comes from inside
• When they are doing something right comment on that.  
• Teach your little ones you are coming back.  They can play very short periods of time a lone.  
2. Power
• Child feels important only if he gets his own way; feels if he complies to a stronger power he loses his self worth.
• Parents reaction--you feel angry, provoked.  Tent to fight for control.
• Need to withdraw from the conflict, but refuse to give in;
• Be firm about what "you" will do rather than about what child will do
• Give choices, logical consequences
• Futile to correct verbally, you must act
• When behavior changes, don't punish for power struggle, but rather build on present desire to cooperate.
3. Revenge
• Child feels desire to hurt you since you've hurt them.
• Parents reaction---you feel hurt.  Tend to retaliate and get even.
• Need to live five things that you like about the child to soften your attitude
• Don't take it personally
• Use natural consequences, avoid punishment/retaliation
• build trusting relationship; convince the child that he is loved.
4. I can't
• Child gives up.

You cannot build a positive on a negative foundation!  


Nagging, lecturing are quicksand to their souls.  


Our world teaches self indulgence in everything.  We need to use positive discipline & withdraw instant gratification.  


HOMEWORK:  

1. Watch yourselves and what you do when they misbehave.  What are your feelings when you are disciplining them?  Check your feelings this week.  They are probably feeling defeated and you will to.
2. Watch how often you validate them with positives to negatives....What they think are positives. 

To get rid of the feelings of entitlement....withhold instant gratification, teach them to work, teach them service.

Jeffrey R. Holland, “Within the Clasp of Your Arms,” Ensign, May 1983, 36

Early in our married life my young family and I were laboring through graduate school at a university in New England. Pat was the Relief Society president in our ward, and I was serving in our stake presidency. I was going to school full-time and teaching half-time. We had two small children then, with little money and lots of pressures. In fact, our life was about like yours.

One evening I came home from long hours at school, feeling the proverbial weight of the world on my shoulders. Everything seemed to be especially demanding and discouraging and dark. I wondered if the dawn would ever come. Then, as I walked into our small student apartment, there was an unusual silence in the room. 

“What’s the trouble?” I asked. 

“Matthew has something he wants to tell you,” Pat said. 

“Matt, what do you have to tell me?” He was quietly playing with his toys in the corner of the room, trying very hard not to hear me. “Matt,” I said a little louder, “do you have something to tell me?” 

He stopped playing, but for a moment didn’t look up. Then these two enormous, tear-filled brown eyes turned toward me, and with the pain only a five-year-old can know, he said, “I didn’t mind Mommy tonight, and I spoke back to her.” With that he burst into tears, and his entire little body shook with grief. A childish indiscretion had been noted, a painful confession had been offered, the growth of a five-year-old was continuing, and loving reconciliation could have been wonderfully underway. 

Everything might have been just terrific—except for me. If you can imagine such an idiotic thing, I lost my temper. It wasn’t that I lost it with Matt—it was with a hundred and one other things on my mind; but he didn’t know that, and I wasn’t disciplined enough to admit it. He got the whole load of bricks. 

I told him how disappointed I was and how much more I thought I could have expected from him. I sounded like the parental pygmy I was. Then I did what I had never done before in his life—I told him that he was to go straight to bed and that I would not be in to say his prayers with him or to tell him a bedtime story. Muffling his sobs, he obediently went to his bedside, where he knelt—alone—to say his prayers. Then he stained his little pillow with tears his father should have been wiping away. 

If you think the silence upon my arrival was heavy, you should have felt it now. Pat did not say a word. She didn’t have to. I felt terrible! 

Later, as we knelt by our own bed, my feeble prayer for blessings upon my family fell back on my ears with a horrible, hollow ring. I wanted to get up off my knees right then and go to Matt and ask his forgiveness, but he was long since peacefully asleep. 

My relief was not so soon coming; but finally I fell asleep and began to dream, which I seldom do. I dreamed Matt and I were packing two cars for a move. For some reason his mother and baby sister were not present. As we finished I turned to him and said, “Okay, Matt, you drive one car and I’ll drive the other.” 

This five-year-old very obediently crawled up on the seat and tried to grasp the massive steering wheel. I walked over to the other car and started the motor. As I began to pull away, I looked to see how my son was doing. He was trying—oh, how he was trying. He tried to reach the pedals, but he couldn’t. He was also turning knobs and pushing buttons, trying to start the motor. He could scarcely be seen over the dashboard, but there staring out at me again were those same immense, tear-filled, beautiful brown eyes. As I pulled away, he cried out, “Daddy, don’t leave me. I don’t know how to do it. I am too little.” And I drove away. 

A short time later, driving down that desert road in my dream, I suddenly realized in one stark, horrifying moment what I had done. I slammed my car to a stop, threw open the door, and started to run as fast as I could. I left car, keys, belongings, and all—and I ran. The pavement was so hot it burned my feet, and tears blinded my straining effort to see this child somewhere on the horizon. I kept running, praying, pleading to be forgiven and to find my boy safe and secure.

As I rounded a curve nearly ready to drop from physical and emotional exhaustion, I saw the unfamiliar car I had left Matt to drive. It was pulled carefully off to the side of the road, and he was laughing and playing nearby. An older man was with him, playing and responding to his games. Matt saw me and cried out something like, “Hi, Dad. We’re having fun.” Obviously he had already forgiven and forgotten my terrible transgression against him. 

But I dreaded the older man’s gaze, which followed my every move. I tried to say “Thank you,” but his eyes were filled with sorrow and disappointment. I muttered an awkward apology and the stranger said simply, “You should not have left him alone to do this difficult thing. It would not have been asked of you.” 

With that, the dream ended, and I shot upright in bed. My pillow was now stained, whether with perspiration or tears I do not know. I threw off the covers and ran to the little metal camp cot that was my son’s bed. There on my knees and through my tears I cradled him in my arms and spoke to him while he slept. I told him that every dad makes mistakes but that they don’t mean to. I told him it wasn’t his fault I had had a bad day. I told him that when boys are five or fifteen, dads sometimes forget and think they are fifty. I told him that I wanted him to be a small boy for a long, long time, because all too soon he would grow up and be a man and wouldn’t be playing on the floor with his toys when I came home. I told him that I loved him and his mother and his sister more than anything in the world and that whatever challenges we had in life we would face them together. I told him that never again would I withhold my affection or my forgiveness from him, and never, I prayed, would he withhold them from me. I told him I was honored to be his father and that I would try with all my heart to be worthy of such a great responsibility.