Grapefruit Syndrome Story January 2011 Ensign---wife found faults in marriage and husband couldn't think of any.
You see what you look for.
We are involved in busyness and we cease making our marriage a priority.
We look at our children and say, "They need me."
We look at out spouse as being self-sufficient.
Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign
- "It is almost humorous to observe a young unmarried couple in love. After spending an entire day together, they are back together again on the phone that same night. It’s sheer torture for them to be separated. Even in their thoughts they can hardly focus on anything else. Love begins to disrupt their studies or work. Everything else in life becomes a nuisance and an interruption that keeps them apart until they can be together again. In their minds there was never, in the history of the world, a truer love than theirs. We call this level of premarriage intensity “infatuation.” Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign
What happens from that point of infatuation until where we are right now?
Love can't stay at that point of infatuation. It has to expand. There's too much tunnel vision.
- "After they marry, this intensity tapers off. Living under the same roof, they each begin to discover a few peculiar idiosyncracies in the other that they had not seen before. Some of these are irritating. The infatuation begins to fade. Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart." Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign
Women especially feel like it isn't the same.
The problem becomes the focus.
Falling into love vs. being infatuated.
Infatuated is not love.
Real love is a noun and a verb. It is a commitment to doing loving things.
We think that if you don't do what I love, then you are falling out of love.
The focus is all in. You need to focus out.
- " Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart. This is when a dose of true love is needed to rekindle a relationship that is being tested. True love may not restore the same emotional intensity of early courtship, but it will help love remain alive and blooming." Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign
Physical drive is given from God to make us want to get married.
Find a way to stay in love.
#1 reason for divorce is "falling out of love"/
Do you say, "I fell out of kindness?" No...you stopped doing kind things. So you can't "fall out of love" you just stop doing loving things.
"To love" is a commandment
We have to use agency to choose to do loving things. Then the feelings of love remain strong.
Pride more easily seen in others than ourselves.
It's easy to see the other person and the problems in your marriage.
EXAMPLE: Brother & Sister Tanner were about 4 years into their marriage they had a "newly wed" game at a ward party. They were asked, "What is it your spouse does that irritates you the most?" Sister Tanner had to answer how Brother Tanner would answer. She said, "He can't think of anything." His answer, "She gets mad because I don't turn my socks right side out." She never folded his socks again.
Where is your "little thing"? Is it taking the garbage out to the street? Where is your pin prick? Women usually have quite a few. Men don't have as many.
Ask yourself, "What would it be like to be married to me?"
For men the biggest problem is that the wife tries to parent them, but we (as women) do it under the umbrella of helping you to be a better husband or priesthood holder. Men see this as nagging. It will never instill the desire to change the behavior.
For women the biggest problem with the men is that they withdraw. They think that men just don't care as much.
Men need to feel admired and needed. They need to feel like we appreciate what they do. That we believe in them to lead our home. They need to feel that continuously.
Women need to feel cherished. They need to feel like they are the most important thing in your life.
If it's not getting in (even if you are doing it), it doesn't count.
"Is it I? Am I the one that should be changing in this?" If you say "No." you need to read the talk on pride then ask it again.
"I was amused to read of an experience recorded by Elder F. Burton Howard in his biography of President Marion G. Romney: “His good-humored love for Ida was manifested in many ways. He delighted in telling of her hearing loss. ‘I once went to see a doctor about her hearing,’ he would say. ‘He asked me how bad it was, and I said I didn’t know. He told me to go home and find out. The doctor instructed me to go into a far room and speak to her. Then I should move nearer and nearer until she does hear. Following the doctor’s instructions, I spoke to her from the bedroom while she was in the kitchen—no answer. I moved nearer and spoke again—no answer. So I went right up to the door of the kitchen and said, “Ida, can you hear me?” She responded, “What is it, Marion—I’ve answered you three times." Listen & Learn by Russell M. Nelson May 1991 Ensign
We say, "If you would just _________, the I would be happy."
EXAMPLE: A husband and a wife went to a marriage seminar. The wife told him that she was irritated that he would never put the tube on the toothpaste. He thought about it and decided that was a little thing he could change that. So the next morning when he was brushing his teeth he thought about it and put the lid back on the toothpaste. He waited all day and anticipated the attention that he would get for remembering to put on the lid. Nothing. The next day he did the same thing. Still nothing. He did that all week long. Saturday when they get up the wife says, "We need to talk. I want to know why you haven't brushed your teeth all week."
Look for the good not the bad.
- Stephen R. Covey relates the following experience: “At one seminar, after I’d spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, ‘I like what you’re saying, but my wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don’t love each other anymore. What can I do?’ “‘Love her,’ I replied. “He looked puzzled. ‘How do you love when you don’t feel love?’ “‘My friend,’ I responded, ‘love is a verb. The feeling of love is the fruit of love. So love your wife. You did it once, you can do it again. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. It’s your choice. Are you willing to do that?’ “Of course, I was asking this man if he was willing to search within himself for the character required to make his marriage work. All our relationships follow the contours of life; they have ups and downs. This is why our families provide a critical measure of our character—and the opportunity, again and again to nurture it.” Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign
- Alma 32:37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
- (Parable of Marriage)---Planting the seed and faith
- Parable is true in lots of areas
- Principles being taught...good marriage = nourish/effort, bad marriage = neglect
- Look up "nourish" it with mush care it will bring forth love.
- Nourish everyday
- Plant withers in day...worse in a week
- At the 1st no one made you think about him
- You have to think about it everyday
- We think about taking care of children - fed, clothes, ready, papers signed
- You hold children with not expectations you hold husbands to a higher level
- We take offense where none was intended.
- Alma 32:38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.
- If ye neglect the marriage and take not thought (daily) for his nourishment when the sun cometh (trials) and scorcheth it. Ye pluck it up and cast it out.
- Most of us do an emotional divorce. You withdraw. "I won't let you hurt me anymore."
- Alma 32:39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.
- This is not because the marriage isn't good nor is it because love isn't good. It's because your heart isn't committed to doing loving things.
- Alma 32:40 And thus, if ye will not nourish the word, looking forward with an eye of faith to the fruit thereof, ye can never pluck of the fruit of the tree of life.
- Stop keeping score
- Without pay backs
- Eventaully you will recieve the Celestial love you yearn for.
Trials that come along...bills, busyness, life, broken car, illness.
Infatuation....busyness comes, but you still love each other. Then you begin living parallel lives. You pass each other. Your conversations are logistics, planning meetings. You cease having meaningful times together. This goes on for a few years. Both partners start feeling lonely. You say you are doing fine, but in your heart you aren't.
Go back to the beginning of where the 2 of you grow together. Nourish that daily.
6 things...Either person can do them and it will change your marriage, but if you both do them men will feel appreciated, women will feel cherished and your relationship will change. If you choose to do this lives will be connected not parallel. Why do you think the Lord want you to go on senior missions? So they can come together. They are learning to be Gods together. Learning to become one.
1. Get rid of unreal expectations:
- The irritants have been there all along. If you have asked him 96 times to stop chewing with his mouth open you need to get over it. Use prayer.
- Stop thinking about how life might have been if you'd married "whoever"
- Don't look at someone else in the ward and say I wish you were like them.
- Fall in love with who your spouse really is.
- "My sweetheart has done that. Through our many long years of postgraduate study, professional responsibilities, and a growing family, she did not complain. Recently I overheard a conversation she had with young mothers enduring similar stress. They asked her how she had managed with ten children and a husband whose time to help was so limited. Kindness was reflected in her reply: “Through our struggling years I didn’t expect much, so I was rarely disappointed.” Joy Cometh in the Morning by Russell M. Nelson November 1986 Ensign
2. Stop Keeping Score.
- Too many people got married because we thought the other person made us happy
- What am I doing to make you happy?
- "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion." What God Hath Joined Together by Gordon B. Hinckley May 1991 Ensign
- Write down 2 things to make your spouse happy. In the next 2 weeks as a Christmas present to them give it to them without keeping score.
- Don't turn it back around to you.
- The entire gift is given in love, without expecting or looking for what comes back to you.
- Your gifts will fit their needs (men need appreciation, women need to be cherished)
3. Discover their love language.
- EXAMPLE: Brother Tanner's love language is physical touch. The best gift she could give him was a back rub at the end of the day. He would melt. He would then say, "Let me give you a back rub." She had children crawling on her all day long. She didn't want that. Sister Tanner's love language is Word of Affirmation.
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
- Gift Giving
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- 5 Love Languages Online Assessments.
- It is an art
- Counsel to men. Don't say, "You are the most wonderful mom in the world." She will think of all the ways that she isn't the most wonderful mom. Instead try more specifics, "I love watching you read stories at night to the kids on the couch. I'm glad you are their mother." That will get in because she can see that she does sit on the couch and read stories to the kids.
- Validate each other much more than we do.
- Validate them daily 3x at least
- Say it as well as writing it.
- You are building an eternal relationship.
- No electronics on date night. An occasional movie, but the date needs to be interacting with each other.
- At least 1x each year you need to go away together for a weekend.
- You can have that "get away" in your own home. Find someone else to take the kids.
- Daily talk time: This is a fabulous way to validate women. It doesn't have to be hours. Maybe just 15 minutes each day.
- Women need to talk, men need to listen like you care.
- Learn the art of asking good questions.
- You focus on what they say.
- Smile & nod.
- In what they say will be your next question.
- I care about it because my husband does.
- Men talk about "things". They are still talking.
- Encourage them to share.
- Women talk about "feelings".
- Men want to get to the bottom line. When your wife has a bad day, don't try to fix the bad day, just ask questions about the bad day. She will fix the problem herself.
- Men you do not know the power you have over your wife. You are the wind beneath her wings. When she feels cherished she can do anything.
- President James E Faust said, women may feel like they have to carry the burden in marriage, but you have been given gifts to help you fix it.
- We get critical of our spouse. We might not say anything, but our facial expressions like rolling our eyes goes to the kids.
- "Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood." The Father Who Cares by James E. Faust Ensign Sept 2006
6. Build your Relationship Spiritually
- Kneel together every night and have couple prayer
- Discuss things you have read in scriptures or lessons you had a church
- Share your testimony with them.
- Have father give priesthood blessings
- Go to husband and ask for blessing of strength and courage. When you do this 2 things happen....1. The Lord will bless you. 2. As he becomes a conduit he receives through the Holy Ghost insight into what you are going through. He will understand better how to help you.
- Need to have goal setting meetings as a couple.
- Need to have something you are working on and planning for.
- Attend the temple regularly together.
- Don't wait until the temple opens again to go.
- Everything is better after you walk out.
This is the most important relationship. Satan will try the hardest to ruin it. It will affect every member of your family. It has to be nourished with consistency...DAILY!!! It is a daily process. This should be your #1 priority. Ask yourself..."What can I do to make my husband feel cherished? lighten his load? show him love? do loving things?
Other things become bearable when you strengthen these things.
Challenge you to look at chart of charity in Lynn Robbins talk Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign. He breaks it down into how it works in marriage. He translates the verses about charity into marriage.
What things to do you need to repent of and change so your marriage is sweeter.
The core of the family is the marriage relationship.
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