Class 1 (Spring 2012)--Taking Time To Teach

Brother & Sister Tanner were called as service missionaries for the Pathway Program.  It's a program for those who haven't finished their degree.  There are 21 enrolled in the Winter Semester (over age 30) right now.  It's a commandment to get an education.  $65/credit.  Take 3 required semesters then move to the BYU Campus program, but the cost of the credits stay with you until you graduate.  Nampa program (ages 18-30)  Boise program (ages 30+)

While studying to prepare for the Pathways program she found some universal learning items....
1. Prepare
2. Teach One Another
3. Ponder & Prove

These are the ones for "college".  They translate into parenting like this....
1. Prepare = Teach the Information (FHE)
2. Teach One Another = They teach you the principle you have taught them.  The Holy Ghost works upon them when they act.  While they are "teaching you" the Holy Ghost testifies that what they are teaching is true.  The Holy Ghost is the conduit between knowledge and the knowledge getting inside them.
3.  Ponder & Prove = Think about it and then test it.

• The goal is not just to give them information
• In high school they are red material and then they study and cram and take a test.  Then they forget the information and move on to do the same thing for something else.  
• We see the same thing happen in church too.  If you are in YM/YW you can ask them to tell you about Nephi.  They will tell you the facts of the story, but then watch those same kids in activities later and they are not living what they are saying. 
• We need to teach the information so it goes inside and they can use it to govern behavior.
• We want our children to behave well.  We teach them "rules" not doctrine.  

" True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.  The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.  Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior.  That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."  Elder Boyd K. Packer "Little Children" Ensign November 1986

• How many parenting books have you read?  It's not bad to read them, but you are studying behavior.  The study of true doctrine will change behavior quicker. 
• We get hung up on "unworthy behavior".  Preoccupation leads to unworthy behavior.
• When we are constantly focused on correcting a behavior we convince the child that it is a part of them.  Pretty soon the child begins to believe they are "lazy, stubborn, etc".  It's very unmotivating for them.  
• Preoccupation with the negative brings on the negative! 
• "Where attention goes energy flows." 
• The education system teaches...memorize-->test-->forget.  This makes us afraid to volunteer even if we know the answer.  We are too focused on what others think.  We are governed by peer pressure.  If we don't want our children to be governed by peer pressure we need to teach them differently.  It has to get inside.

"How to" ponder and prove:  Teaching correct doctrine has 4 levels.


Level 1:  Knowledge:

• This is what we teach in FHE
• It is what is being taught in Primary, Young Women's, Relief Society.
• You have to have it.
• This is telling a story and the child being able to repeat the story to you.
• They can recite it just fine.
• You will find a lot of people that have a lot of knowledge in the gospel.
• It is a very important step, but if you stop there you don't build testimonies
• We are teaching our children to not have an opinion or to talk about something they are struggling with especially in the family circle.  It's not a "safe" environment.

Level 2:  Understanding: 

• This is where you test your children to see if they understand what they "know"
• They give the lesson back to you.
• You ask lots of questions and listen to their answers. Ask questions like "Why do you think Joseph Smith went to the grove to pray?"
• You take the fact and give it meaning.
• You have to get them to talk back to you
• You have to question them individually to see that each one understands.
• Ask questions and then listen to what they have to say to see if they really understand.

Types of questions to ask....
1. How do you feel about....?
2. What is your understanding of...?
3. Why do you think...?
4. What is the meaning of...?

• If they say things that are wrong keep asking them questions until they understand. 
• If they don't have it...go back to the 1st step and reteach then ask questions to see if they understand.

Level 3:  Internalize: 

• This is where you take it into my life and decide how it will affect me.
• This is "doing" not just knowing.
• They need to see that it applies to me.
• Example:  If your child comes home from school and is having problems with something,  You can ask "What did Joseph Smith do when he had a problem?"  "Pray"  "What happened when Joseph Smith prayed?"  "Heavenly Father answered him."  Do you think Heavenly Father will answer you?"  Sometimes their answer will be "no".  You can validate them by saying, "I know Heavenly Father will answer you if you ask.  Would you like me to pray with you?"

Level 4:  Act:

• This is where they do something about it.  It opens the door for the Holy Ghost to teach and testify.

The process has to happen over and over.  When it does they....

1. Become spiritually independent
2. Become "act"ers

• You must create the experience where they can apply the principle.
• They need to do something hard to learn the principle and internalize it.

Sister Tanner's sister (Marilee) has 4 boys.  She was teaching them about gratitude.  They decided that for 1 month they would become "secret service agents."  They went to DI and got black suit jackets and the Dollar Store of dark sunglasses.  They decided that one of the people they were grateful for was the garbage man.  So they made muffins and stood outside at 7am waiting for the garbage man to come in their "secret service agent" outfits.

Did they learn service? Yes.  They "DID" something.  However, this is not understood for life. They have to do service over and over and over.

The stripling warriors...they knew what they knew.  Their parents were the Anti-nephi-lehi's who buried their weapons.  Their fathers allowed themselves to be killed rather than break the covenants they had made.  Their mothers taught them and they lived it every day.  They said, we loved Dad and he gave his life for his covenants.  I will give my life for my covenants.  My Dad did it.  I'm going to do the same thing.  Their mothers not only said it, they gave their lives for it and lived it.

• Do we just "say it?"  or Do we "live it?"
• We need to create a safe environment.
• Teaching takes time.  It's more than just family home evenings.  It's mini moments every day.  
• We do reactive parenting and we need to do proactive parenting.
• (Reactive) They hit....we say "stop hitting."
• (Proactive) In those moments when they are playing well....we say, "You are sharing your toys.  That is what families do when we love each other."
• Our focus needs to be to react to the positive moments not the negative moments. 
• The purpose of parenting is to teach.  Correcting wrong behavior doesn't teach. 
• Mini moments can happen anywhere at anytime....tucking kids in bed, cooking together, driving in car together....it has to be "together"
• We think discipline teaches them how to behave.
• Use the mini moments of the day.
• How do you recognize when those mini moments are there?  By reading your scriptures and praying each day.  You are then entitled to revelation each day on what to say and when and what questions to ask.
• You have to invite the spirit into YOUR life EVERYDAY.
• Prepare yourself and ask and then you will receive the answers you need.
• The Holy Ghost is the key to the "safe" environment.

Most of us need a "to do" list to know how to do this.  To do lists are a good place to start, but it is a disadvantage to you because you become dependent on the list and don't all the Spirit to teach you.

Moms are the heart of the home.  We are endowed with gifts to be that way.  It is your responsibility to create an environment.

1.     Build on the positive

a.     Can only teach on positive

b.     Tell the child what you want them to do instead of what you "don't" want them to do.

c.     When they are jumping on the sofa instead of saying "Stop jumping on the sofa."  say  "You may jump on the floor or on the trampoline."

2.     Keep your word

a.     Watch what you say

b.     They need to learn that they can trust you and believe you no matter what.

c.   If you say, "We will bake cookies tomorrow."  Then no matter what you have going tomorrow you better do it.

d.  Heavenly Father keeps his word with exactness.  Adam and Eve were cast out.  The Lamanites were cursed. 

e.  Watch how you say things.  If you say "I will be there at 3pm to pick you up."  You better be there by 5 minutes to 3pm.  If you aren't sure you can make it at exactly 3pm say, "I will try my hardest to be there by 3pm.  If I'm not there wait for me by the flag pole and I will be there as soon as I can."

3.     Use language of respect with them.

a.     Please, thank you, excuse me.

b.     It has to be on their level and they will understand it.

c.     "I was being contentious to them by yelling at them to tell them to stop being so contentious."

d.  I appreciate you.  I love you.

4.     Use eye contact.

a.     Get down on their level.  That way you know that they understand what you are saying to them.  There is no question that they heard you.  They still may not choose to do it, but they did hear you.

b.     Do this especially with positives. 

5.     Frequent, positive, appropriate, contact

6.     Emotionally keep your children out of the corner

a.     Don't ask a question that you already know the answer to  It make them feel demeaned.

7.     Be on their side.

a.     There are 3 options....Give in for peace, Start the lecture series, or Be on their side.

b.     You can feel bad that they didn't get to do what they wanted to.

c.     Say..."Let's try this again tomorrow."

d.     Always give them a chance to repent and redeem themselves.  Let them know when they can try again.

8.     Meet at the Crossroads

a.     Meet them at the door when they are coming and going.  It is the most important thing for them to know that you love them.
b.  15 minutes before they come home you need to disengage from what you are doing so you are 100% available to them.

Knowledge:  What you learned in class today
Teach:  Within 24 hours tell someone something you learned in class today
Ponder & Prove:  Do the homework.  If you do the homework each week you will be a different person in 10 weeks than you are today because you will invite the Holy Ghost in and that allows change.


HOMEWORK:

1. Build on the positive
2. Meet at the crossroads...coming & going
3. Read "Our Duty to God: The Mission of Parents & Leaders to the Rising Generation" by Robert D. Hales May 2010 Ensign pg 95-98 and make a to do list from there.  
4. Post to the blog...pick 1 think you did or learned or what you felt about the talk...something you gained from it.  
5. Read each other's posts.

3 Nephi 17:21-24 

 21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

 22 And when he had done this he wept again;

 23 And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.

 24 And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them.

We are the ones God appointed to encircle our children with love and the fire of faith.  You are the angels entrusted with that stewardship.