Follow up to Class #1

Someone shared an example of her daughter who deflects everything that is said to her.  Sister Tanner commented that she is probably a "red" (from the Color Code).  They do not like to have their flaws pointed out especially in public.

1. You can't teach them to acknowledge their mistakes in public
2. Follow up with them in private.  Say something like, "If you were the Mom what do you think these children would need to do?  How would you teach them that?"  That allows them to be in a position of power and tell what they would do if they were in charge.  They will say what you would have told them, but because they are the ones talking they will be the ones learning. 
3. At the end of the conversation say, "I think you'll make a great mom if you can learn to live that now."  Then let it go.  
4. If you get a "red" to acknowledge they are wrong in public you will break them.

• The atonement gives us patience to get through the day.  It's the quiet strength that gives us power in the moment. 
• You can be in the middle of the moment and still love them.
• This class is not about perfection.  It's about changing percentages.  If you yell 100% of the time, but then 1 time you don't yell you have improved and only yell 99% of the time.  
• You need to focus on what you "did" do not what you "didn't" do.  
• You don't have to change quickly.
• We gain strength and draw closer to how we want to be by changing percentages.
• You can't separate the "to be" and the "to do".  You have to teach the "to do" but make sure they know why so they can learn the "to be".

 When you are complimenting your kids on characteristics of how they are "being" sometimes you can get stuck on the same characteristics.  The question was asked...."How do you find other characteristics that you want them to be?"  Sister Tanner answered....Read the scripture 1 Corinthians 13:4-7   

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,  

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 

 It will give you a list of characteristics.  Also as you continue to read your scriptures you will be able to add to your list.  The biggest thing will be personal revelation you receive when you are praying.  You will get a much more specific list that will meet the specific needs of your family and your children.

Class #1 Using the Atonement in Our Everyday Lives

• What are 3 questions you have about being a better parent or spouse?

o      Example:  How can I be more patient?

o      Example:  How can I better understand “Johnny”?

• Every section in Doctrine & Covenants was given in answer to a question.

• You need to approach learning with a question

Principles vs. Practice

• Principle is an eternal truth, a foundation stone, a commandment.  It is the same for toddlers, teenagers, and adults
• Practice is how you implement the principle.  It can be different in every home.

• Look and see where you are so you know where you are going

• Where are you in discipline?  Are you a yeller? Lecturer? Or do you withdraw and give in?

• Our purpose as parents is to train & teach.

• Our responsibility as a mother is to provide a home, food, and clothes.  The rest of the time we are just busy.

• What do we really do with the time?  Because our life is busy we want to buy peace.  We buy peace by having them not in our way.  It's really just "go away".

• Parenting is the process of teaching.  They have to be there

• The best years of training is when they are young.  It become harder to start teaching when older, but still possible

• What is your philosophy of parenting?

• We parent like we were parented, but part of that is because you don’t know what the other possibilities are. 

• We tend to be reactive.

o Example: The kids are playing & happy and we are busy doing our thing.  They begin fighting.  We tell them to stop.  Then we react & impose a consequence.  We tell them that since they can’t share and get along they can go to their separate rooms for 30 minutes.  They hit the door and turn right around and come back out crying.  You yell at them to get back in there and “think about what they did”.  Then for 30 minutes we bought peace and can get back to doing ‘our thing’.  

• What did you really want your children to do?  Work it out without our intervention. We think separating them will teach them to get along and share.

• Purposeful parenting is not reactive parenting.  We need to parent with a purpose.

• Principle: To govern self and return to Heavenly Father.

• What is God’s purpose?   Moses 1:39 For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.

• Our purpose should be…. “For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of my children while they are living in my home.”

• How do you do that?  The answer is in the homework assignment.

HOMEWORK #1:

1. Read, underline, and write a “to do” list from Lynn Robbins (April 2011 General Conference).  "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"   It is focused on parenting. 
2. Pray with real intent before you read it.  If you feel like you need to make some changes remember that  “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.” (Revelations 3:19)

• What we usually do is teach our children what we want them to do.  We say, “I want you to read your scriptures daily, get good grades, obey, feed the dog, etc”.  We correct behavior and discipline based on what we want them “to-do”.

• We are too focused on the “to-do”.

• We are focused on setting goals and doing them.  There is purpose in “to-do”, but you lose if you stop there.

• We need to change our list from the “to-do” list to the “to-be” list.

“To do without to be is hypocrisy, or feigning to be what one is not—a pretender.  Conversely, to be without to do is void, as in “faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone”.  Be without do really isn’t being—it is self-deception, believing oneself to be good merely because one’s intentions are good.  Do without be—hypocrisy—portrays a false image to others, while be without do portrays a false image to oneself.”  (Elder Lynn G. Robbins May 2011 Ensign)   "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"  

Example:  We have a testimony of the welfare program, but we don’t have time to go to the cannery or make humanitarian kits. 

• Discipline comes from “disciple”.  Disciple means “to teach”.  So our goal when there is bad behavior is to teach correct principles, not punish them for mistakes.

• Purpose of disciple is to teach the “to be” it has to with the Spirit.

D&C 121:41-42   

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

 42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

• Our problem is that we spend too much time on the “to-do”.  We tend to label them.  When we say, “You are always late, lazy, etc.” we label them.  They take it on as an identity not a behavior.  They feel like they can overcome a behavior, but their identity is who they are.

“Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” (Elder Lynn G. Robbins May 2011 Ensign) "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"  

“In a game of sports, a wise way to compliment our children’s performance—do—would be through the point of view of be—like their energy, perseverance, poise in the face of adversity, etc.—thus complimenting both be and do.  When we ask children to do chores, we can also look for ways to compliment them on being, such as, “It makes me so happy when you do your chores with a willing heart.”  (Elder Lynn G. Robbins May 2011 Ensign) "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"  

• What a person does for a living is not who they are.

• Encourage in the “to do”, but teach in the “to be”.

Example:  Back to the previous example of the 2 kids fighting and you sending them to their rooms….Instead pull them together and say, “I am grateful we are an eternal family.  How can we help one another?  You both want to have a turn.  What can we do?”  They answer….share.  “How will that you make you feel?”  They answer…good.  “I am so grateful you are both in our family.”

• How is the above example not a lecture? 

1.     The Spirit is there

2.     Asking questions vs. giving answers (The one that speaks the truth is the one that learns and recognizes the truth)

• The kids have to be there for me to teach, but so do I.  I have to be there.  Are we creating an atmosphere for them to ask questions.  We need to put our stuff on the back burner and be involved with them without hovering.

• We have to realize that and then commit to it.

• It’s about you being with them.

• “You are with your children 1/10^th of their life.”  We should be able to be with them for 1/10^th of their life.  It’s not that long.

• This is a time to be with them but not suffocate them.  It is the most important thing to do.

• You need to keep a balance.  You should take time for yourself and do things alone, but it should be in balance with the time you spend with your children.

• We are so busy that we don’t stop to parent

• What we do to change us will change them.

• Waking up earlier than your children to say prayers, get dressed, read scriptures, and get ready to be a parent for the day.

HOMEWORK #2:

During family scriptures – discuss Christlike attributes found in the scriptures you read that day, point it out to your children and yourself and pray for those gifts in your life.

• We are put here to overcome anger, selfishness, etc

• Our intentions do not always determine our behavior.

• The only way to find the power to change our intentions is thru the Atonement.

• The atonement will do 2 things:  1.  Show us the way.  2.  Empower us.

• In Deuteronomy the children of Israel are lead out of Egypt.  While in the wilderness the Lord sent fiery serpents that bit the people.  He also provided a way for them to be saved.  They put a brass serpent on a stand at the head of the encampment.  All they had to do to be saved was go to the door of their tent and look at the serpent and they would be healed.  Many perished because of the simpleness of the task.

Alma 33:19-21

 19 Behold, he was spoken of by Moses; yea, and behold a type was raised up in the wilderness, that whosoever would look upon it might live. And many did look and live.

 20 But few understood the meaning of those things, and this because of the hardness of their hearts. But there were many who were so hardened that they would not look, therefore they perished. Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe that it would heal them.

 21 O my brethren, if ye could be healed by merely casting about your eyes that ye might be healed, would ye not behold quickly, or would ye rather harden your hearts in unbelief, and be slothful, that ye would not cast about your eyes, that ye might perish?

1 Nephi 17:41

 41 And he did straiten them in the wilderness with his rod; for they hardened their hearts, even as ye have; and the Lord straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent fiery flying serpents among them; and after they were bitten he prepared a way that they might be healed; and the labor which they had to perform was to look; and because of the simpleness of the way, or the easiness of it, there were many who perished.

• We all bear testimony that Christ suffered for our sins, but we treat the Atonement like it is a trophy.  We put it on a shelf.  We think it’s wonderful.  We shine it.  The atonement should be like a worn out baseball glove…used in every play of our everyday lives.  We should be using the atonement 100x a day.  How do you do that?

• The Israelites had to do a few things to be empowered by the healing. 

1.     Stop: in the unbelief and believe they could be helped.

2.     Turn: to the Savior

3.     Act: then get up and act like they were sick.

• We can use the same 3 steps when we are angry, impatient, upset, frustrated, or in self-pity.

1. Stop: the negative thoughts
2. Turn: to the Savior and say a little quick prayer, “Heavenly Father I can’t do this alone”
3. Act: You then have to do something and you will receive a miracle.

Example:

May 2010 General Conference Issue, Keith B. McMullen  "Our Path of Duty"

In Holland during World War II, the Casper ten Boom family used their home as a hiding place for those hunted by the Nazis. This was their way of living out their Christian faith. Four members of the family lost their lives for providing this refuge. Corrie ten Boom and her sister Betsie spent horrific months in the infamous Ravensbrück concentration camp. Betsie died there—Corrie survived.

In Ravensbrück, Corrie and Betsie learned that God helps us to forgive. Following the war, Corrie was determined to share this message. On one occasion, she had just spoken to a group of people in Germany suffering from the ravages of war. Her message was “God forgives.” It was then that Corrie ten Boom’s faithfulness brought forth its blessing.

A man approached her. She recognized him as one of the cruelest guards in the camp. “You mentioned Ravensbrück in your talk,” he said. “I was a guard there. … But since that time, … I have become a Christian.” He explained that he had sought God’s forgiveness for the cruel things he had done. He extended his hand and asked, “Will you forgive me?”

Corrie ten Boom then said:

“It could not have been many seconds (STOP) that he stood there—hand held out—but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.

“… The message that God forgives has a … condition: that we forgive those who have injured us. …

“… ‘Help me!’ I prayed silently. (TURN) ‘I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’

“… Woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. (ACT)  As I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.

“‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart.’

“For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely, as I did then.”

·       She stopped, turned to God in silent prayer and said you supply the feeling, then act raised her hand and forgave him

Example:

There was a woman that was married to a man with a hot temper.  He would say cruel things that really hurt.  One night he said cruel things to her and she was devastated.  He went to bed and went to sleep.  She sat on the floor in her bedroom with her back against the wall.  She was feeling sorry for herself and hurt by what he had said.  She stopped (STOP) what she was thinking about self pity.  She prayed (TURN) .  The thought came to her to get in bed and put her arm over her husband.  She didn’t question it.  She just did is (ACT) .  When she did Heavenly Father showed her what a good man he was and helped her remember that he was a good man, but just had a problem with anger.

Example:

Sister Tanner’s sister Renee had a large project due and she didn’t want to do it.  So instead she cleaned her house top to bottom.  She had hurt her back in a tubing accident when she was younger.  When she finished cleaning she knew that she should lay down with an ice pack on her back, but she also knew that she wouldn’t finish the project.  (STOP) She stopped that thought. (TURN) said a prayer and the thought came to her not to sit down and just get started on the project.  (STOP) So she started on it.  45 minutes went by before she realized there was no pain and stiffness.

Sister Tanner challenged us to use the Atonement every day in our lives.  To wear it out.  To STOP, TURN, & ACT.  She also challenged us to teach the “to be” and not the “to do”.