Class 2 (Spring 2012)--4 Legs of the Table

Katie’s Experiment (Negativity Fast)

Katie took Sister Tanner’s parenting class 4 years ago.  Her biggest problem was that she didn’t feel “joy in motherhood.”  For 4 years she has constantly been re-evaluating.  Each year on the 1^st fast Sunday of the year she fasts to find out what she needs to work on for the year.  This year she knew she needed to work on her anger and negative things she was always saying.  Her thought was “I need to do a 28-day Negativity Fast”.  The feeling came over her that she needed to find the positives.

She would miss seeing the clean laundry was folded, but instead commented on the dishes that weren’t done.  She decided that she needed to say 5 positive things before she anything negative.  She made a list of what she needed to do. 

1. Pray in the morning before leaving her bedroom.
2. Repent of her weaknesses during prayer and ask for help and guidance from Heavenly Father throughout the day. 
1. Mornings were always rough with one child.  She would end up in her room in tears or calling her husband. 
2. Katie decided that her daughter’s day doesn’t reflect her day.  Her moments aren’t my moments.  There has been more peace in her home.
3. Daily repentance in prayer allows her to start over. 
4. Those little things that happen during the day don’t become her day. 
5. She is not perfect, but she expects to repent everyday.
6. She is starting to recognize her physical response and can repent immediately. 
3. Look at the positives
1. Say 5 positives before you say anything negative.
2. Look for positives in children as well as spouse.
4. Rid myself of my negative talk
1. “Stop!”  “Quit!” “I’m done!”
5. On her to-do list she has “serendipities” which are things she looks for during the day in her children.  Good joyful mother moments.
6. Say 3 positives everyday to each child
7. Gratitude journal for the day
8. End the day in prayer & review, but continually pray through out the day.

 

·       She is their camp counselor down here on earth.

·       This experiment is one that all LDS women need.

·       We get down on ourselves because we aren’t perfect.  We need to find joy in the journey.

·       We often pray Heavenly Father a “to-do” list rather than deciding what we need to do and then asking for his help in doing what you have decided.

·       Her prayer was a specific “I will do this for 28 days….we you help me thru it.”

·       The key is daily repentance.  Repentance is a commitment to change.

·       Then return & report at night.

·       At the end of 28 days she will have a new habit, but won’t be perfect at it.

·       She’ll catch herself more often before she has those explosive moments.

·       The Atonement cleanses you.

·       This is teaching the gospel brought down on a daily living level.

·       Our desires are impeccable.  We have righteous desires.  How do we go about implementing that?  We get hung up in the mists of darkness.

·       In the “Tree of Life” when Lehi partook of the fruit and then looked around for his family.  Sariah came.  Laman & Lemuel didn’t come.  Some came to the tree and partook then drifted away.  The tree was not a destination.  Fruit = joyous moments).  We don’t live in those even if we want to.

·       What is your personal mist of darkness?

·       What keeps you from partaking of the fruit more often?

·       You can be “doing” and still be encompassed in the mists of darkness.

·       What would you be willing to do to get out of it.

Ensign 1976Jeffrey R Holland 

“The quality of our obedience to God’s commands is still the clearest expression of the quality of our faith in him.”

Donald L. Staheli, "Obedience—Life’s Great Challenge", Ensign, May 1998, 81

President Ezra Taft Benson put it most poignantly when he said, “When obedience ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.”

·       The Pharisees obeyed every law with exactness.  They lived the law.   Jesus Christ called them hypocrites. 

·       It has to do with the intentions of the heart.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "“You Are My Hands”", Ensign, May 2010, 68–70, 75

“We can spend our days obsessing about the finest details of life, the law, and long lists of things to do; but should we neglect the great commandments, we are missing the point and we are clouds without water, drifting in the winds, and trees without fruit.”

·       There is no guilt….we just want to try harder, change percentages.

STORY:

Cory, Sister Tanner’s son, works for Johnson & Johnson.  He is getting ready to move back to New Jersey.  He will be part of a Global team to market ‘Aberaderone’.  It is not on the market yet.  Usually drugs have to be tested for 3 years before going to the FDA, however this drug was so successful that after 18 months they took the patients that were on the placebo off the placebo and put them on Aberaderone and sent the medication directly to the FDA for approval.  The medication increases the life expectancy of someone with Prostate Cancer that has only 1 year left to live for another 4-6 months.  There will be a huge demand for the drug.  It will cost $5000/month for the medication, but the medication gives people hope.

·       How much would you pay to have a drug to save your family?

·       Heavenly Father has given us the drug.

·       Do you think in the last 10 years when things have gotten tough that Heavenly Father closed the heavens to protecting our families?

·       We get crazy fearful about protecting our families

·       Because the way is simple we don’t do it.

1 Nephi 19:7

For the things which some men esteem to be of great worth, both to the body and soul, others set at ^anaught and trample under their feet. Yea, even the very God of Israel do men ^btrample under their feet; I say, trample under their feet but I would speak in other words—they set him at naught, and ^chearken not to the voice of his counsels.

·       The law of the witnesses – in 2 or 3 all things are testified of.

·       If you have a table and all 4 legs are sturdy and strong the table will be secure and it will stand firm.  No matter the trials, no matter the filth.  It will keep the foundation firm. 

4 Table Legs:

1.     Family & Personal Scripture Study

2.     Family & Personal Prayer

3.     Family Home Evening

4.     Temple Attendance

D&C 130:20-21

20There is a ^alaw, irrevocably decreed in ^bheaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all ^cblessings are predicated—

21And when we obtain any ^ablessing from God, it is by ^bobedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

·       If you want a particular blessing find the blessing you want and obey the law to get that blessing.

·       In our homes we want respect, love, obedience, testimony, responsibility, & hard work from our children.

·       We want the blessing list and want to get rid of the problem list.

·       Do them with the attitude of a quest instead of just obeying the law.

Stephen Covey’s story about big rocks. Here’s the story:

In the middle of a seminar on time management, recalls Covey in his book First Things First, the lecturer said, "Okay, it's time for a quiz." Reaching under the table, he pulled out a wide-mouthed gallon jar and set it on the table next to a platter covered with fist-sized rocks. "How many of these rocks do you think we can get in the jar?" he asked the audience.

After the students made their guesses, the seminar leader said, "Okay, let's find out." He put one rock in the jar, then another, then another--until no more rocks would fit. Then he asked, "Is the jar full?"

Everybody could see that not one more of the rocks would fit, so they said, "Yes."

"Not so fast," he cautioned. From under the table he lifted out a bucket of gravel, dumped it in the jar, and shook it. The gravel slid into all the little spaces left by the big rocks. Grinning, the seminar leader asked once more, "Is the jar full?"

A little wiser by now, the students responded, "Probably not."

"Good," the teacher said. Then he reached under the table to bring up a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar. While the students watched, the sand filled in the little spaces left by the rocks and gravel. Once more he looked at the class and said, "Now, is the jar full?"

"No," everyone shouted back.

"Good!" said the seminar leader, who then grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it into the jar. He got something like a quart of water into that jar before he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the jar is now full. Can anybody tell me the lesson you can learn from this? What's my point?"

An eager participant spoke up: "Well, there are gaps in your schedule. And if you really work at it, you can always fit more into your life."

"No," the leader said. "That's not the point. The point is this: if I hadn't put those big rocks in first, I would never have gotten them in."

In both our business and personal lives, we have big rocks, gravel, sand and water. The natural tendency seems to favor the latter three elements, leaving little space for the big rocks. In an effort to respond to the urgent, the important is sometimes set aside.

·       Pray before leaving your room.

·       Temple attendance commandment is “regular temple visits”.  If you only go 1 time a year you might be keeping the commandment, however if you looked at it as a “quest” could you find time to go more often?

 

Family & Personal Prayer:

How many time per day are we commanded to pray?

·       2x/day Family prayer—morning & night

·       2x/day Personal prayer—morning & night

·       3x/day Blessing on the food

·       1x/day Couple prayer

·       Total is 8x per day at least!!!

It is a protection to your family

·       We are brought out of the world 8x/day to return to the Lord.

·       It is easier to keep our priorities straight

·       Personal prayers---purpose, real intent, & return and report

President Faust in the World Wide Leadership Meeting Jan 10, 2004 said, "there are many challenges facing the family." 

Commandment:  Prayer

Blessings:           -Bonding Experience  

                    -Indispensable to personal happiness

                    -Love increases

                    -Receive answers to family problems

                    -Ease family tensions

·       If you are having a hard time finding out how to make it work change our outlook….make it a quest….if you are on a quest you will seek others out and ask them how they are doing it and try some of their ideas.

o      One family does a family cheer after prayer.  If the 2 year old is good during prayer she can participate.

“When we kneel in family prayer, our children at our side and on their knees are learning habits that will stay with them all through their lives,” said President Spencer W. Kimball. “If we do not take time for prayers, what we are actually saying to our children is, ‘Well, it isn’t very important, anyway. We won’t worry about it. …’ Unless planned for, [prayer] never seems to be convenient. On the other hand, what a joyous thing it is to establish such customs and habits in the home that when parents visit their children in the latter’s homes after they are married they just naturally kneel with them in the usual, established manner of prayer!” (The Miracle of Forgiveness, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1969, p. 253.)

·       The atmosphere before and after is important.

·       Ask each person if there is something that they need help with that we can pray for. 

·       Don’t allow others to demean them when they ask for help.

·       Pray for help on behalf of that family member.  It will draw families closer together.  Then the next night check up on that person (return & report) and see how things went.

·       Families started falling apart after WWI when women left home and went to work.

Personal Prayer:

·       Prepares you to be a teacher through out the day.

·       It’s like putting gas in the care.  It gives you power to face the day.

·       Book:  “Drawing on the Powers of Heaven” by Grant Von Harrison

Family Scripture Study:

Commandment:          Ready scriptures daily, but there is not a length requirement.

Blessings:              -Spirit of reverence will increase

                              -There will be mutual respect

                              -Spirit of contention will depart

                              -Parents will counsel in love and wisdom

                              -Children will be more responsive and submissive

                              -Righteousness will increase

                              -Faith, hope, and charity will abound

                              -There will be peace, joy, and happiness

                              -Follow counsel

                              -Love more intensely those whom we should love

                              -Lessons of life learned more readily

                             

The spirit of contention will depart. Parents will counsel their children in greater love and wisdom. Children will be more responsive and submissive to that counsel. Righteousness will increase. Faith, hope, and charity—the pure love of Christ—will abound in our homes and lives, bringing in their wake peace, joy, and happiness.” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Cleansing the Inner Vessel,” Ensign, May 1986, 4"  Quoted  Marion G. Romney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1960, pp. 110–13)

Practices:

·       Each child needs their own set of scriptures

·       Red pencil

·       Teach them how to read the scriptures (directly from the scriptures, not movies, or dramatized books)

·       Teach them their scriptures are a workbook for life.  They don’t have to be kept neat and clean and never be written in them.

·       “Scripture Scouts”---stories and songs

·       Children are learning to love the scriptures

Family Home Evening:

Commandment:          Have regular Monday night Family Home Evenings

Blessings:              -Love for parents strengthened

                              -Love for siblings enhances

                              -Love for Lord increased

                              -Love at home

                              -Obedience to parents increase

                              -Faith will develop

                         -Gain power to combat the evil influences

·       Most of the time prophets don’t say “Thou shalt” before they give you a commandment.  If they did you would probably listen to it and do everything in your power to make it happen. 

Gordon B. Hinckley, “To Men of the Priesthood,” Ensign, Nov 2002, 56

“And we urge, in the strongest terms possible, that fathers and mothers regard most seriously this opportunity and challenge to make of Monday evening a time sacred to the family.”

• Purpose of FHE is for the family to bond together and teach gospel principles. Occasionally you can have other activities, but that should be the exception not the rule.
• Have fun learning the gospel
• Make it fun
• Prepare it with enthusiasm.  It should be a quest not an irritant.
• It requires a huge effort.
• Have children be involved.
• Make sure you teach all 4 levels of application:  Knowledge, Understanding, Internalize, Apply.

(President Harold B. Lee; "Ye Are the Light of the World", pg 82; also found in the LDS Speakers Source Book)

"We promise that great blessings will result.  Love at home and obedience to parents will increase faith will develop in the hearts of the youth of Israel and they will gain power to combat the evil influences and temptations which will beset them." 

David A. Bednar, "More Diligent and Concerned at Home", Ensign, Nov. 2009, 17–20

As our sons were growing up, our family did what you have done and what you now do. We had regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours.

Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.

Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.

Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time.

·       You can find the answer to everything in the scriptures.

TEMPLE ATTENDANCE:

David A. Bednar, "Honorably Hold a Name and Standing", Ensign, May 2009, 97–100

For many years Sister Bednar and I hosted faithful men and women as devotional speakers at Brigham Young University–Idaho. Many of these speakers were emeritus or released members of the Seventy who had served as temple presidents following their service as General Authorities. As we talked with these stalwart leaders, I always asked this question: “What have you learned as a temple president that you wish you had better understood when you were a General Authority?”

As I listened to their answers, I discovered a consistent theme that I would summarize as follows: “I have come to understand better the protection available through our temple covenants and what it means to make an acceptable offering of temple worship. There is a difference between church-attending, tithe-paying members who occasionally rush into the temple to go through a session and those members who faithfully and consistently worship in the temple.”

Commandment:          Regular Temple Attendance

Blessings:               (Vaughn J. Featherstone)

1-If a man, you will become mighty;  if a woman, powerful  (D&C 109:22   And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them;)

                              2-It will serve as great "insurance protection" for your marriage (D&C 132:19  And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, that he shall commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.)

                              3-The blessings of the Eternal Gods will be called down upon you.  (D&C 109:12, 14 That thy glory may rest down upon thy people, and upon this thy house, which we now dedicate to thee, that it may be sanctified and consecrated to be holy, and that thy holy presence may be continually in this house;  And do thou grant, Holy Father, that all those who shall worship in this house may be taught words of wisdom out of the best books, and that they may seek learning even by study, and also by faith, as thou hast said)

                              4-Unseen angels will watch over your loved ones when Satanic forced tempt them (Acts 27:33  And while the day was coming on, Paul besought them all to take meat, saying, This day is the fourteenth day that ye have tarried and continued fasting, having taken nothing.)

                              5-Your families will draw close to the Lord and there will be no empty chairs in the celestial kingdom. (Hymn#301 I Am A Child of God)

                              6-Your children will go on missions (D&C 109:58  That from among all these, thy servants, the sons of Jacob, may gather out the righteous to build a holy city to thy name, as thou hast commanded them.)

                              7-Your children will marry in the temple. (Conference Talks)

                              8-The veil will be thin, you will have great spiritual growth and many spiritual experiences will distill upon you.  (D&C 138)

                              9-You will be prepared for exaltation--with a celestial mind, celestial body and a celestial personality (3 Nephi 12:3, 20  Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore come unto me and be ye saved; for verily I say unto you, that except ye shall keep my commandments, which I have commanded you at this time, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.)

                              10-You will see clearly how to make critical decisions that weigh heavily on your mind (D&C 109:42  But deliver thou, O Jehovah, we beseech thee, thy servants from their hands, and cleanse them from their blood.)

11-You will become Christlike.  (D&C 109:22-25  And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them;

  23 And from this place they may bear exceedingly great and glorious tidings, in truth, unto the ends of the earth, that they may know that this is thy work, and that thou hast put forth thy hand, to fulfil that which thou hast spoken by the mouths of the prophets, concerning the last days.

  24 We ask thee, Holy Father, to establish the people that shall worship, and honorably hold a name and standing in this thy house, to all generations and for eternity;

  25 That no weapon formed against them shall prosper; that he who diggeth a pit for them shall fall into the same himself;)

·       We have to increase in light and knowledge to become consecrated.

·       In the temple is a great power of protection that will be around our families to keep them safe from the adversary.

D&C 109:22

22 And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy ^aname may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine ^bangels have charge over them;

President Ezra Taft Benson said, "There is a power associated with the ordinances of heaven, even the power of godliness, which can thwart the forces of evil, if we will but be worthy of those sacred covenants made in the temple of the Lord. Our families will be protected, our children will be safeguarded as we live the gospel, visit the temple, and live close to the Lord." (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, p. 256)

       If you step it up Satan gets fearful and he steps it up too.  

H. Kent Rappleye, "“No Substitute for Family Prayer”", Ensign, Feb. 2001, 25

President Ezra Taft Benson taught: “Just a few words added to the blessing on the food, as is becoming the custom in some parts, is not enough. We need to get onto our knees in prayer and gratitude.”

·       Family Prayer – meaningful – create environment.  Ask them what is the most important things you need right now.

·       Jesus Christ submitted his will to the Father.  We need to submit our will to Heavenly Father

John 7:13  “If any man will ^ado his ^bwill, he shall ^cknow of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.”

·       If you are going to do a test the soil (environment) has to be fertile

HOMEWORK:

·       See which leg of the table needs to be strengthened.

·       Do with Exactness your own personal prayer or scripture study this week.

·       Have FHE next Monday

Class 1 (Spring 2012)--Taking Time To Teach

Brother & Sister Tanner were called as service missionaries for the Pathway Program.  It's a program for those who haven't finished their degree.  There are 21 enrolled in the Winter Semester (over age 30) right now.  It's a commandment to get an education.  $65/credit.  Take 3 required semesters then move to the BYU Campus program, but the cost of the credits stay with you until you graduate.  Nampa program (ages 18-30)  Boise program (ages 30+)

While studying to prepare for the Pathways program she found some universal learning items....
1. Prepare
2. Teach One Another
3. Ponder & Prove

These are the ones for "college".  They translate into parenting like this....
1. Prepare = Teach the Information (FHE)
2. Teach One Another = They teach you the principle you have taught them.  The Holy Ghost works upon them when they act.  While they are "teaching you" the Holy Ghost testifies that what they are teaching is true.  The Holy Ghost is the conduit between knowledge and the knowledge getting inside them.
3.  Ponder & Prove = Think about it and then test it.

• The goal is not just to give them information
• In high school they are red material and then they study and cram and take a test.  Then they forget the information and move on to do the same thing for something else.  
• We see the same thing happen in church too.  If you are in YM/YW you can ask them to tell you about Nephi.  They will tell you the facts of the story, but then watch those same kids in activities later and they are not living what they are saying. 
• We need to teach the information so it goes inside and they can use it to govern behavior.
• We want our children to behave well.  We teach them "rules" not doctrine.  

" True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.  The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.  Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior.  That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."  Elder Boyd K. Packer "Little Children" Ensign November 1986

• How many parenting books have you read?  It's not bad to read them, but you are studying behavior.  The study of true doctrine will change behavior quicker. 
• We get hung up on "unworthy behavior".  Preoccupation leads to unworthy behavior.
• When we are constantly focused on correcting a behavior we convince the child that it is a part of them.  Pretty soon the child begins to believe they are "lazy, stubborn, etc".  It's very unmotivating for them.  
• Preoccupation with the negative brings on the negative! 
• "Where attention goes energy flows." 
• The education system teaches...memorize-->test-->forget.  This makes us afraid to volunteer even if we know the answer.  We are too focused on what others think.  We are governed by peer pressure.  If we don't want our children to be governed by peer pressure we need to teach them differently.  It has to get inside.

"How to" ponder and prove:  Teaching correct doctrine has 4 levels.


Level 1:  Knowledge:

• This is what we teach in FHE
• It is what is being taught in Primary, Young Women's, Relief Society.
• You have to have it.
• This is telling a story and the child being able to repeat the story to you.
• They can recite it just fine.
• You will find a lot of people that have a lot of knowledge in the gospel.
• It is a very important step, but if you stop there you don't build testimonies
• We are teaching our children to not have an opinion or to talk about something they are struggling with especially in the family circle.  It's not a "safe" environment.

Level 2:  Understanding: 

• This is where you test your children to see if they understand what they "know"
• They give the lesson back to you.
• You ask lots of questions and listen to their answers. Ask questions like "Why do you think Joseph Smith went to the grove to pray?"
• You take the fact and give it meaning.
• You have to get them to talk back to you
• You have to question them individually to see that each one understands.
• Ask questions and then listen to what they have to say to see if they really understand.

Types of questions to ask....
1. How do you feel about....?
2. What is your understanding of...?
3. Why do you think...?
4. What is the meaning of...?

• If they say things that are wrong keep asking them questions until they understand. 
• If they don't have it...go back to the 1st step and reteach then ask questions to see if they understand.

Level 3:  Internalize: 

• This is where you take it into my life and decide how it will affect me.
• This is "doing" not just knowing.
• They need to see that it applies to me.
• Example:  If your child comes home from school and is having problems with something,  You can ask "What did Joseph Smith do when he had a problem?"  "Pray"  "What happened when Joseph Smith prayed?"  "Heavenly Father answered him."  Do you think Heavenly Father will answer you?"  Sometimes their answer will be "no".  You can validate them by saying, "I know Heavenly Father will answer you if you ask.  Would you like me to pray with you?"

Level 4:  Act:

• This is where they do something about it.  It opens the door for the Holy Ghost to teach and testify.

The process has to happen over and over.  When it does they....

1. Become spiritually independent
2. Become "act"ers

• You must create the experience where they can apply the principle.
• They need to do something hard to learn the principle and internalize it.

Sister Tanner's sister (Marilee) has 4 boys.  She was teaching them about gratitude.  They decided that for 1 month they would become "secret service agents."  They went to DI and got black suit jackets and the Dollar Store of dark sunglasses.  They decided that one of the people they were grateful for was the garbage man.  So they made muffins and stood outside at 7am waiting for the garbage man to come in their "secret service agent" outfits.

Did they learn service? Yes.  They "DID" something.  However, this is not understood for life. They have to do service over and over and over.

The stripling warriors...they knew what they knew.  Their parents were the Anti-nephi-lehi's who buried their weapons.  Their fathers allowed themselves to be killed rather than break the covenants they had made.  Their mothers taught them and they lived it every day.  They said, we loved Dad and he gave his life for his covenants.  I will give my life for my covenants.  My Dad did it.  I'm going to do the same thing.  Their mothers not only said it, they gave their lives for it and lived it.

• Do we just "say it?"  or Do we "live it?"
• We need to create a safe environment.
• Teaching takes time.  It's more than just family home evenings.  It's mini moments every day.  
• We do reactive parenting and we need to do proactive parenting.
• (Reactive) They hit....we say "stop hitting."
• (Proactive) In those moments when they are playing well....we say, "You are sharing your toys.  That is what families do when we love each other."
• Our focus needs to be to react to the positive moments not the negative moments. 
• The purpose of parenting is to teach.  Correcting wrong behavior doesn't teach. 
• Mini moments can happen anywhere at anytime....tucking kids in bed, cooking together, driving in car together....it has to be "together"
• We think discipline teaches them how to behave.
• Use the mini moments of the day.
• How do you recognize when those mini moments are there?  By reading your scriptures and praying each day.  You are then entitled to revelation each day on what to say and when and what questions to ask.
• You have to invite the spirit into YOUR life EVERYDAY.
• Prepare yourself and ask and then you will receive the answers you need.
• The Holy Ghost is the key to the "safe" environment.

Most of us need a "to do" list to know how to do this.  To do lists are a good place to start, but it is a disadvantage to you because you become dependent on the list and don't all the Spirit to teach you.

Moms are the heart of the home.  We are endowed with gifts to be that way.  It is your responsibility to create an environment.

1.     Build on the positive

a.     Can only teach on positive

b.     Tell the child what you want them to do instead of what you "don't" want them to do.

c.     When they are jumping on the sofa instead of saying "Stop jumping on the sofa."  say  "You may jump on the floor or on the trampoline."

2.     Keep your word

a.     Watch what you say

b.     They need to learn that they can trust you and believe you no matter what.

c.   If you say, "We will bake cookies tomorrow."  Then no matter what you have going tomorrow you better do it.

d.  Heavenly Father keeps his word with exactness.  Adam and Eve were cast out.  The Lamanites were cursed. 

e.  Watch how you say things.  If you say "I will be there at 3pm to pick you up."  You better be there by 5 minutes to 3pm.  If you aren't sure you can make it at exactly 3pm say, "I will try my hardest to be there by 3pm.  If I'm not there wait for me by the flag pole and I will be there as soon as I can."

3.     Use language of respect with them.

a.     Please, thank you, excuse me.

b.     It has to be on their level and they will understand it.

c.     "I was being contentious to them by yelling at them to tell them to stop being so contentious."

d.  I appreciate you.  I love you.

4.     Use eye contact.

a.     Get down on their level.  That way you know that they understand what you are saying to them.  There is no question that they heard you.  They still may not choose to do it, but they did hear you.

b.     Do this especially with positives. 

5.     Frequent, positive, appropriate, contact

6.     Emotionally keep your children out of the corner

a.     Don't ask a question that you already know the answer to  It make them feel demeaned.

7.     Be on their side.

a.     There are 3 options....Give in for peace, Start the lecture series, or Be on their side.

b.     You can feel bad that they didn't get to do what they wanted to.

c.     Say..."Let's try this again tomorrow."

d.     Always give them a chance to repent and redeem themselves.  Let them know when they can try again.

8.     Meet at the Crossroads

a.     Meet them at the door when they are coming and going.  It is the most important thing for them to know that you love them.
b.  15 minutes before they come home you need to disengage from what you are doing so you are 100% available to them.

Knowledge:  What you learned in class today
Teach:  Within 24 hours tell someone something you learned in class today
Ponder & Prove:  Do the homework.  If you do the homework each week you will be a different person in 10 weeks than you are today because you will invite the Holy Ghost in and that allows change.


HOMEWORK:

1. Build on the positive
2. Meet at the crossroads...coming & going
3. Read "Our Duty to God: The Mission of Parents & Leaders to the Rising Generation" by Robert D. Hales May 2010 Ensign pg 95-98 and make a to do list from there.  
4. Post to the blog...pick 1 think you did or learned or what you felt about the talk...something you gained from it.  
5. Read each other's posts.

3 Nephi 17:21-24 

 21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

 22 And when he had done this he wept again;

 23 And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.

 24 And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them.

We are the ones God appointed to encircle our children with love and the fire of faith.  You are the angels entrusted with that stewardship.

Update/Change

Just a couple of little things.....

1. The cost of the class has changed to $15.00 this year.  The price is set by BYU-I.  So plan on a little bit extra. (still very worth it)  
2. You can register online now.  The online registration is up.  You can access it here

There was an email with a few question.  I forwarded it to Sister Tanner and her responses are included....

1. Is Tracy watching the kids at the church building in the nursery?  Tracy will be doing children in the church cultural hall just as before.  We got the church reserved for Thursdays like before.  Katie will be helping her like before and we will see if they need more help or not.  It will just be the same as before. 
2. Are you going to teach another class in Meridian or Boise area in the upcoming future?  I am not planning on teaching any other classes as long as I am on this mission.  I am really praying that I can just keep this one going like I want to and keep up with the mission and do work and do a little family and maybe if I am lucky speak at a few relief societies.  It is pretty busy now days but it is all good busy. 
3. Do I need to RSVP for this class?  No they do not have to RSVP and they can bring all their friends as long as we have room in the class for them.  The more the merrier I say.  It is always an adventure to see how many actually show up on the first class.  It will all be fun!!

If you have any other questions/concerns let me know.  Thanks!  Andrea

New Class Starting.....

Positive Parenting by Carleen Tanner (Spring Semester) will be starting on THURSDAY January 12, 2012.  (Please note the change in day!!!)  It will be from 9:30-11:30am at the Nampa Institute building (6115 Birch Lane; Nampa, ID).  Babysitting is available.  Tracy charges $3 per day per child. This class ends March 15, 2012.   Make sure that you plan to use the nursery or find someone else to take your children for those 2 hours.  We love your children but there are a lot of people who attend this class and when there are fussy babies or kids in the classroom it makes it too difficult for others to hear.

This is the only Positive Parenting class that will be offered in the spring.

The cost for the class is $12.50/for 10 weeks.  Checks are payable to BYU-Idaho.  There will be a syllabus available for $10. It is optional, but well worth the money.  Checks are payable to Carleen Tanner.  

Please feel free to pass this information on to friends, family, & ward members.  You are welcome to give them this blog address too.  http://carleentannersparentingclass.blogspot.com

Classes usually taught during this semester.....

1. Taking Time To Teach
2. Positive Discipline #1
3. Positive Discipline #2
4. Four Table Legs
5. Self Esteem
6. Color Code
7. Relationships & Communication
8. Stress & Adversity
9. Morality
10. Marriage--The Differences Between Men & Women

These are ALWAYS subject to change.  They are not necessarily taught in this order.

NEXT PARENTING CLASS BEGINS......

The next parenting class will begin January 12, 2012 from 9:30-11:30am at the Birch Building in Nampa.  Babysitting will be available.  This is a Thursday morning.  This will be the only parenting class that Sister Tanner will be teaching.  There will be no more Tuesday morning class or Thursday evening class.  Please mark your calendars.  


If I have your email address I will email out a reminder that class will be starting as well as updating it on the blog.  If you would like your name on my email list for reminders you can email me at ahpianstudio@cableone.net . 

Class #10-Marriage & Love Languages

Marriage is a celestial commandment so your marraige needs to be celestial.  


Grapefruit Syndrome Story  January 2011 Ensign---wife found faults in marriage and husband couldn't think of any.


You see what you look for.


We are involved in busyness and we cease making our marriage a priority.


We look at our children and say, "They need me."


We look at out spouse as being self-sufficient.


Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

• "It is almost humorous to observe a young unmarried couple in love. After spending an entire day together, they are back together again on the phone that same night. It’s sheer torture for them to be separated. Even in their thoughts they can hardly focus on anything else. Love begins to disrupt their studies or work. Everything else in life becomes a nuisance and an interruption that keeps them apart until they can be together again. In their minds there was never, in the history of the world, a truer love than theirs. We call this level of premarriage intensity “infatuation.”  Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

What happens from that point of infatuation until where we are right now? 

Love can't stay at that point of infatuation.  It has to expand.  There's too much tunnel vision.

• "After they marry, this intensity tapers off. Living under the same roof, they each begin to discover a few peculiar idiosyncracies in the other that they had not seen before. Some of these are irritating. The infatuation begins to fade. Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart." Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

Women especially feel like it isn't the same.

The problem becomes the focus.

Falling into love vs. being infatuated.

Infatuated is not love.

Real love is a noun and a verb.  It is a commitment to doing loving things.

We think that if you don't do what I love, then you are falling out of love.

The focus is all in.  You need to focus out.

• " Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart.  This is when a dose of true love is needed to rekindle a relationship that is being tested. True love may not restore the same emotional intensity of early courtship, but it will help love remain alive and blooming." Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

Physical drive is given from God to make us want to get married. 

Find a way to stay in love.

#1 reason for divorce is "falling out of love"/

Do you say, "I fell out of kindness?"  No...you stopped doing kind things.  So you can't "fall out of love" you just stop doing loving things.

"To love" is a commandment

We have to use agency to choose to do loving things.  Then the feelings of love remain strong.

Pride more easily seen in others than ourselves.

It's easy to see the other person and the problems in your marriage.

EXAMPLE:  Brother & Sister Tanner were about 4 years into their marriage they had a "newly wed" game at a ward party.  They were asked, "What is it your spouse does that irritates you the most?"  Sister Tanner had to answer how Brother Tanner would answer.  She said, "He can't think of anything."  His answer, "She gets mad because I don't turn my socks right side out."  She never folded his socks again.

Where is your "little thing"?  Is it taking the garbage out to the street?  Where is your pin prick? Women usually have quite a few.  Men don't have as many. 

Ask yourself, "What would it be like to be married to me?"

For men the biggest problem is that the wife tries to parent them, but we (as women) do it under the umbrella of helping you to be a better husband or priesthood holder.  Men see this as nagging.  It will never instill the desire to change the behavior.  

For women the biggest problem with the men is that they withdraw.  They think that men just don't care as much.

Men need to feel admired and needed.  They need to feel like we appreciate what they do.  That we believe in them to lead our home.  They need to feel that continuously.

Women need to feel cherished.  They need to feel like they are the most important thing in your life.  

If it's not getting in (even if you are doing it), it doesn't count.

"Is it I?  Am I the one that should be changing in this?"  If you say "No." you need to read the talk on pride then ask it again.

"I was amused to read of an experience recorded by Elder F. Burton Howard in his biography of President Marion G. Romney: “His good-humored love for Ida was manifested in many ways. He delighted in telling of her hearing loss. ‘I once went to see a doctor about her hearing,’ he would say. ‘He asked me how bad it was, and I said I didn’t know. He told me to go home and find out. The doctor instructed me to go into a far room and speak to her. Then I should move nearer and nearer until she does hear. Following the doctor’s instructions, I spoke to her from the bedroom while she was in the kitchen—no answer. I moved nearer and spoke again—no answer. So I went right up to the door of the kitchen and said, “Ida, can you hear me?” She responded, “What is it, Marion—I’ve answered you three times." Listen & Learn by Russell M. Nelson May 1991 Ensign

We say, "If you would just _________, the I would be happy."

EXAMPLE:  A husband and a wife went to a marriage seminar.  The wife told him that she was irritated that he would never put the tube on the toothpaste.  He thought about it and decided that was a little thing he could change that.  So the next morning when he was brushing his teeth he thought about it and put the lid back on the toothpaste.  He waited all day and anticipated the attention that he would get for remembering to put on the lid.  Nothing.  The next day he did the same thing.  Still nothing.  He did that all week long.  Saturday when they get up the wife says, "We need to talk.  I want to know why you haven't brushed your teeth all week."

Look for the good not the bad.

• Stephen R. Covey relates the following experience:  “At one seminar, after I’d spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, ‘I like what you’re saying, but my wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don’t love each other anymore. What can I do?’  “‘Love her,’ I replied.  “He looked puzzled. ‘How do you love when you don’t feel love?’  “‘My friend,’ I responded, ‘love is a verb. The feeling of love is the fruit of love. So love your wife. You did it once, you can do it again. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. It’s your choice. Are you willing to do that?’  “Of course, I was asking this man if he was willing to search within himself for the character required to make his marriage work. All our relationships follow the contours of life; they have ups and downs. This is why our families provide a critical measure of our character—and the opportunity, again and again to nurture it.”   Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

Parable of marriage

• Alma 32:37  And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
• (Parable of Marriage)---Planting the seed and faith
• Parable is true in lots of areas
• Principles being taught...good marriage = nourish/effort, bad marriage = neglect
• Look up "nourish" it with mush care it will bring forth love.
• Nourish everyday
• Plant withers in  day...worse in a week
• At the 1st no one made you think about him
• You have to think about it everyday
• We think about taking care of children - fed, clothes, ready, papers signed
• You hold children with not expectations you hold husbands to a higher level
• We take offense where none was intended.

• Alma 32:38  But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.

• If ye neglect the marriage and take not thought (daily) for his nourishment when the sun cometh (trials) and scorcheth it. Ye pluck it up and cast it out.
• Most of us do an emotional divorce.  You withdraw.  "I won't let you hurt me anymore."

• Alma 32:39  Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.
• This is not because the marriage isn't good nor is it because love isn't good.  It's because your heart isn't committed to doing loving things.

• Alma 32:40  And thus, if ye will not nourish the word, looking forward with an eye of faith to the fruit thereof, ye can never pluck of the fruit of the tree of life.
• Stop keeping score
• Without pay backs
• Eventaully you will recieve the Celestial love you yearn for.

Trials that come along...bills, busyness, life, broken car, illness.

Infatuation....busyness comes, but you still love each other.  Then you begin living parallel lives.  You pass each other.  Your conversations are logistics, planning meetings.  You cease having meaningful times together.  This goes on for a few years.  Both partners start feeling lonely.  You say you are doing fine, but in your heart you aren't.

Go back to the beginning of where the 2 of you grow together.  Nourish that daily.

6 things...Either person can do them and it will change your marriage, but if you both do them men will feel appreciated, women will feel cherished and your relationship will change.  If you choose to do this lives will be connected not parallel.  Why do you think the Lord want you to go on senior missions?  So they can come together.  They are learning to be Gods together.  Learning to become one.

1.  Get rid of unreal expectations:

• The irritants have been there all along.  If you have asked him 96 times to stop chewing with his mouth open you need to get over it.  Use prayer.  
• Stop thinking about how life might have been if you'd married "whoever"
• Don't look at someone else in the ward and say I wish you were like them.
• Fall in love with who your spouse really is.
• "My sweetheart has done that. Through our many long years of postgraduate study, professional responsibilities, and a growing family, she did not complain. Recently I overheard a conversation she had with young mothers enduring similar stress. They asked her how she had managed with ten children and a husband whose time to help was so limited. Kindness was reflected in her reply: “Through our struggling years I didn’t expect much, so I was rarely disappointed.” Joy Cometh in the Morning by Russell M. Nelson November 1986 Ensign

2.  Stop Keeping Score.

• Too many people got married because we thought the other person made us happy
• What am I doing to make you happy?
• "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion."  What God Hath Joined Together by Gordon B. Hinckley May 1991 Ensign 
• Write down 2 things to make your spouse happy.  In the next 2 weeks as a Christmas present to them give it to them without keeping score. 
• Don't turn it back around to you. 
• The entire gift is given in love, without expecting or looking for what comes back to you. 
• Your gifts will fit their needs (men need appreciation, women need to be cherished)

3.  Discover their love language.

• EXAMPLE:  Brother Tanner's love language is physical touch.  The best gift she could give him was a back rub at the end of the day.  He would melt.  He would then say, "Let me give you a back rub."  She had children crawling on her all day long.  She didn't want that.  Sister Tanner's love language is Word of Affirmation.
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
• Gift Giving
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• 5 Love Languages Online Assessments.

4.  Learn to Validate Them.

• It is an art
• Counsel to men.  Don't say, "You are the most wonderful mom in the world."  She will think of all the ways that she isn't the most wonderful mom.  Instead try more specifics, "I love watching you read stories at night to the kids on the couch.  I'm glad you are their mother."  That will get in because she can see that she does sit on the couch and read stories to the kids.
• Validate each other much more than we do.
• Validate them daily 3x at least
• Say it as well as writing it.

5.  Time Together Alone

• You are building an eternal relationship.
• No electronics on date night.  An occasional movie, but the date needs to be interacting with each other.
• At least 1x each year you need to go away together for a weekend. 
• You can have that "get away" in your own home.  Find someone else to take the kids.
• Daily talk time:  This is a fabulous way to validate women.  It doesn't have to be hours.  Maybe just 15 minutes each day. 
• Women need to talk, men need to listen like you care.
• Learn the art of asking good questions.
• You focus on what they say.
• Smile & nod.
• In what they say will be your next question.
• I care about it because my husband does.
• Men talk about "things".  They are still talking.
• Encourage them to share.
• Women talk about "feelings". 
• Men want to get to the bottom line.  When your wife has a bad day, don't try to fix the bad day, just ask questions about the bad day.  She will fix the problem herself.
• Men you do not know the power you have over your wife.  You are the wind beneath her wings.  When she feels cherished she can do anything.
• President  James E Faust said,  women may feel like they have to carry the burden in marriage, but you have been given gifts to help you fix it.
• We get critical of our spouse.  We might not say anything, but our facial expressions like rolling our eyes goes to the kids.
• "Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood."  The Father Who Cares by James E. Faust Ensign Sept 2006

6.  Build your Relationship Spiritually

• Kneel together every night and have couple prayer
• Discuss things you have read in scriptures or lessons you had a church
• Share your testimony with them.
• Have father give priesthood blessings
• Go to husband and ask for blessing of strength and courage.  When you do this 2 things happen....1. The Lord will bless you.  2.  As he becomes a conduit he receives through the Holy Ghost insight into what you are going through.  He will understand better how to help you.
• Need to have goal setting meetings as a couple.
• Need to have something you are working on and planning for.
• Attend the temple regularly together. 
• Don't wait until the temple opens again to go.
• Everything is better after you walk out.

This is the most important relationship.  Satan will try the hardest to ruin it.  It will affect every member of your family.  It has to be nourished with consistency...DAILY!!!  It is a daily process.  This should be your #1 priority.  Ask yourself..."What can I do to make my husband feel cherished?  lighten his load?  show him love?  do loving things?

Other things become bearable when you strengthen these things.

Challenge you to look at chart of charity in Lynn Robbins talk  Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign.  He breaks it down into how it works in marriage.  He translates the verses about charity into marriage.

What things to do you need to repent of and change so your marriage is sweeter.  

The core of the family is the marriage relationship.