Class 1 (Spring 2012)--Taking Time To Teach

Brother & Sister Tanner were called as service missionaries for the Pathway Program.  It's a program for those who haven't finished their degree.  There are 21 enrolled in the Winter Semester (over age 30) right now.  It's a commandment to get an education.  $65/credit.  Take 3 required semesters then move to the BYU Campus program, but the cost of the credits stay with you until you graduate.  Nampa program (ages 18-30)  Boise program (ages 30+)

While studying to prepare for the Pathways program she found some universal learning items....
1. Prepare
2. Teach One Another
3. Ponder & Prove

These are the ones for "college".  They translate into parenting like this....
1. Prepare = Teach the Information (FHE)
2. Teach One Another = They teach you the principle you have taught them.  The Holy Ghost works upon them when they act.  While they are "teaching you" the Holy Ghost testifies that what they are teaching is true.  The Holy Ghost is the conduit between knowledge and the knowledge getting inside them.
3.  Ponder & Prove = Think about it and then test it.

• The goal is not just to give them information
• In high school they are red material and then they study and cram and take a test.  Then they forget the information and move on to do the same thing for something else.  
• We see the same thing happen in church too.  If you are in YM/YW you can ask them to tell you about Nephi.  They will tell you the facts of the story, but then watch those same kids in activities later and they are not living what they are saying. 
• We need to teach the information so it goes inside and they can use it to govern behavior.
• We want our children to behave well.  We teach them "rules" not doctrine.  

" True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.  The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior.  Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior.  That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."  Elder Boyd K. Packer "Little Children" Ensign November 1986

• How many parenting books have you read?  It's not bad to read them, but you are studying behavior.  The study of true doctrine will change behavior quicker. 
• We get hung up on "unworthy behavior".  Preoccupation leads to unworthy behavior.
• When we are constantly focused on correcting a behavior we convince the child that it is a part of them.  Pretty soon the child begins to believe they are "lazy, stubborn, etc".  It's very unmotivating for them.  
• Preoccupation with the negative brings on the negative! 
• "Where attention goes energy flows." 
• The education system teaches...memorize-->test-->forget.  This makes us afraid to volunteer even if we know the answer.  We are too focused on what others think.  We are governed by peer pressure.  If we don't want our children to be governed by peer pressure we need to teach them differently.  It has to get inside.

"How to" ponder and prove:  Teaching correct doctrine has 4 levels.


Level 1:  Knowledge:

• This is what we teach in FHE
• It is what is being taught in Primary, Young Women's, Relief Society.
• You have to have it.
• This is telling a story and the child being able to repeat the story to you.
• They can recite it just fine.
• You will find a lot of people that have a lot of knowledge in the gospel.
• It is a very important step, but if you stop there you don't build testimonies
• We are teaching our children to not have an opinion or to talk about something they are struggling with especially in the family circle.  It's not a "safe" environment.

Level 2:  Understanding: 

• This is where you test your children to see if they understand what they "know"
• They give the lesson back to you.
• You ask lots of questions and listen to their answers. Ask questions like "Why do you think Joseph Smith went to the grove to pray?"
• You take the fact and give it meaning.
• You have to get them to talk back to you
• You have to question them individually to see that each one understands.
• Ask questions and then listen to what they have to say to see if they really understand.

Types of questions to ask....
1. How do you feel about....?
2. What is your understanding of...?
3. Why do you think...?
4. What is the meaning of...?

• If they say things that are wrong keep asking them questions until they understand. 
• If they don't have it...go back to the 1st step and reteach then ask questions to see if they understand.

Level 3:  Internalize: 

• This is where you take it into my life and decide how it will affect me.
• This is "doing" not just knowing.
• They need to see that it applies to me.
• Example:  If your child comes home from school and is having problems with something,  You can ask "What did Joseph Smith do when he had a problem?"  "Pray"  "What happened when Joseph Smith prayed?"  "Heavenly Father answered him."  Do you think Heavenly Father will answer you?"  Sometimes their answer will be "no".  You can validate them by saying, "I know Heavenly Father will answer you if you ask.  Would you like me to pray with you?"

Level 4:  Act:

• This is where they do something about it.  It opens the door for the Holy Ghost to teach and testify.

The process has to happen over and over.  When it does they....

1. Become spiritually independent
2. Become "act"ers

• You must create the experience where they can apply the principle.
• They need to do something hard to learn the principle and internalize it.

Sister Tanner's sister (Marilee) has 4 boys.  She was teaching them about gratitude.  They decided that for 1 month they would become "secret service agents."  They went to DI and got black suit jackets and the Dollar Store of dark sunglasses.  They decided that one of the people they were grateful for was the garbage man.  So they made muffins and stood outside at 7am waiting for the garbage man to come in their "secret service agent" outfits.

Did they learn service? Yes.  They "DID" something.  However, this is not understood for life. They have to do service over and over and over.

The stripling warriors...they knew what they knew.  Their parents were the Anti-nephi-lehi's who buried their weapons.  Their fathers allowed themselves to be killed rather than break the covenants they had made.  Their mothers taught them and they lived it every day.  They said, we loved Dad and he gave his life for his covenants.  I will give my life for my covenants.  My Dad did it.  I'm going to do the same thing.  Their mothers not only said it, they gave their lives for it and lived it.

• Do we just "say it?"  or Do we "live it?"
• We need to create a safe environment.
• Teaching takes time.  It's more than just family home evenings.  It's mini moments every day.  
• We do reactive parenting and we need to do proactive parenting.
• (Reactive) They hit....we say "stop hitting."
• (Proactive) In those moments when they are playing well....we say, "You are sharing your toys.  That is what families do when we love each other."
• Our focus needs to be to react to the positive moments not the negative moments. 
• The purpose of parenting is to teach.  Correcting wrong behavior doesn't teach. 
• Mini moments can happen anywhere at anytime....tucking kids in bed, cooking together, driving in car together....it has to be "together"
• We think discipline teaches them how to behave.
• Use the mini moments of the day.
• How do you recognize when those mini moments are there?  By reading your scriptures and praying each day.  You are then entitled to revelation each day on what to say and when and what questions to ask.
• You have to invite the spirit into YOUR life EVERYDAY.
• Prepare yourself and ask and then you will receive the answers you need.
• The Holy Ghost is the key to the "safe" environment.

Most of us need a "to do" list to know how to do this.  To do lists are a good place to start, but it is a disadvantage to you because you become dependent on the list and don't all the Spirit to teach you.

Moms are the heart of the home.  We are endowed with gifts to be that way.  It is your responsibility to create an environment.

1.     Build on the positive

a.     Can only teach on positive

b.     Tell the child what you want them to do instead of what you "don't" want them to do.

c.     When they are jumping on the sofa instead of saying "Stop jumping on the sofa."  say  "You may jump on the floor or on the trampoline."

2.     Keep your word

a.     Watch what you say

b.     They need to learn that they can trust you and believe you no matter what.

c.   If you say, "We will bake cookies tomorrow."  Then no matter what you have going tomorrow you better do it.

d.  Heavenly Father keeps his word with exactness.  Adam and Eve were cast out.  The Lamanites were cursed. 

e.  Watch how you say things.  If you say "I will be there at 3pm to pick you up."  You better be there by 5 minutes to 3pm.  If you aren't sure you can make it at exactly 3pm say, "I will try my hardest to be there by 3pm.  If I'm not there wait for me by the flag pole and I will be there as soon as I can."

3.     Use language of respect with them.

a.     Please, thank you, excuse me.

b.     It has to be on their level and they will understand it.

c.     "I was being contentious to them by yelling at them to tell them to stop being so contentious."

d.  I appreciate you.  I love you.

4.     Use eye contact.

a.     Get down on their level.  That way you know that they understand what you are saying to them.  There is no question that they heard you.  They still may not choose to do it, but they did hear you.

b.     Do this especially with positives. 

5.     Frequent, positive, appropriate, contact

6.     Emotionally keep your children out of the corner

a.     Don't ask a question that you already know the answer to  It make them feel demeaned.

7.     Be on their side.

a.     There are 3 options....Give in for peace, Start the lecture series, or Be on their side.

b.     You can feel bad that they didn't get to do what they wanted to.

c.     Say..."Let's try this again tomorrow."

d.     Always give them a chance to repent and redeem themselves.  Let them know when they can try again.

8.     Meet at the Crossroads

a.     Meet them at the door when they are coming and going.  It is the most important thing for them to know that you love them.
b.  15 minutes before they come home you need to disengage from what you are doing so you are 100% available to them.

Knowledge:  What you learned in class today
Teach:  Within 24 hours tell someone something you learned in class today
Ponder & Prove:  Do the homework.  If you do the homework each week you will be a different person in 10 weeks than you are today because you will invite the Holy Ghost in and that allows change.


HOMEWORK:

1. Build on the positive
2. Meet at the crossroads...coming & going
3. Read "Our Duty to God: The Mission of Parents & Leaders to the Rising Generation" by Robert D. Hales May 2010 Ensign pg 95-98 and make a to do list from there.  
4. Post to the blog...pick 1 think you did or learned or what you felt about the talk...something you gained from it.  
5. Read each other's posts.

3 Nephi 17:21-24 

 21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

 22 And when he had done this he wept again;

 23 And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.

 24 And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them.

We are the ones God appointed to encircle our children with love and the fire of faith.  You are the angels entrusted with that stewardship.

Update/Change

Just a couple of little things.....

1. The cost of the class has changed to $15.00 this year.  The price is set by BYU-I.  So plan on a little bit extra. (still very worth it)  
2. You can register online now.  The online registration is up.  You can access it here

There was an email with a few question.  I forwarded it to Sister Tanner and her responses are included....

1. Is Tracy watching the kids at the church building in the nursery?  Tracy will be doing children in the church cultural hall just as before.  We got the church reserved for Thursdays like before.  Katie will be helping her like before and we will see if they need more help or not.  It will just be the same as before. 
2. Are you going to teach another class in Meridian or Boise area in the upcoming future?  I am not planning on teaching any other classes as long as I am on this mission.  I am really praying that I can just keep this one going like I want to and keep up with the mission and do work and do a little family and maybe if I am lucky speak at a few relief societies.  It is pretty busy now days but it is all good busy. 
3. Do I need to RSVP for this class?  No they do not have to RSVP and they can bring all their friends as long as we have room in the class for them.  The more the merrier I say.  It is always an adventure to see how many actually show up on the first class.  It will all be fun!!

If you have any other questions/concerns let me know.  Thanks!  Andrea

New Class Starting.....

Positive Parenting by Carleen Tanner (Spring Semester) will be starting on THURSDAY January 12, 2012.  (Please note the change in day!!!)  It will be from 9:30-11:30am at the Nampa Institute building (6115 Birch Lane; Nampa, ID).  Babysitting is available.  Tracy charges $3 per day per child. This class ends March 15, 2012.   Make sure that you plan to use the nursery or find someone else to take your children for those 2 hours.  We love your children but there are a lot of people who attend this class and when there are fussy babies or kids in the classroom it makes it too difficult for others to hear.

This is the only Positive Parenting class that will be offered in the spring.

The cost for the class is $12.50/for 10 weeks.  Checks are payable to BYU-Idaho.  There will be a syllabus available for $10. It is optional, but well worth the money.  Checks are payable to Carleen Tanner.  

Please feel free to pass this information on to friends, family, & ward members.  You are welcome to give them this blog address too.  http://carleentannersparentingclass.blogspot.com

Classes usually taught during this semester.....

1. Taking Time To Teach
2. Positive Discipline #1
3. Positive Discipline #2
4. Four Table Legs
5. Self Esteem
6. Color Code
7. Relationships & Communication
8. Stress & Adversity
9. Morality
10. Marriage--The Differences Between Men & Women

These are ALWAYS subject to change.  They are not necessarily taught in this order.

NEXT PARENTING CLASS BEGINS......

The next parenting class will begin January 12, 2012 from 9:30-11:30am at the Birch Building in Nampa.  Babysitting will be available.  This is a Thursday morning.  This will be the only parenting class that Sister Tanner will be teaching.  There will be no more Tuesday morning class or Thursday evening class.  Please mark your calendars.  


If I have your email address I will email out a reminder that class will be starting as well as updating it on the blog.  If you would like your name on my email list for reminders you can email me at ahpianstudio@cableone.net . 

Class #10-Marriage & Love Languages

Marriage is a celestial commandment so your marraige needs to be celestial.  


Grapefruit Syndrome Story  January 2011 Ensign---wife found faults in marriage and husband couldn't think of any.


You see what you look for.


We are involved in busyness and we cease making our marriage a priority.


We look at our children and say, "They need me."


We look at out spouse as being self-sufficient.


Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

• "It is almost humorous to observe a young unmarried couple in love. After spending an entire day together, they are back together again on the phone that same night. It’s sheer torture for them to be separated. Even in their thoughts they can hardly focus on anything else. Love begins to disrupt their studies or work. Everything else in life becomes a nuisance and an interruption that keeps them apart until they can be together again. In their minds there was never, in the history of the world, a truer love than theirs. We call this level of premarriage intensity “infatuation.”  Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

What happens from that point of infatuation until where we are right now? 

Love can't stay at that point of infatuation.  It has to expand.  There's too much tunnel vision.

• "After they marry, this intensity tapers off. Living under the same roof, they each begin to discover a few peculiar idiosyncracies in the other that they had not seen before. Some of these are irritating. The infatuation begins to fade. Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart." Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

Women especially feel like it isn't the same.

The problem becomes the focus.

Falling into love vs. being infatuated.

Infatuated is not love.

Real love is a noun and a verb.  It is a commitment to doing loving things.

We think that if you don't do what I love, then you are falling out of love.

The focus is all in.  You need to focus out.

• " Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart.  This is when a dose of true love is needed to rekindle a relationship that is being tested. True love may not restore the same emotional intensity of early courtship, but it will help love remain alive and blooming." Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

Physical drive is given from God to make us want to get married. 

Find a way to stay in love.

#1 reason for divorce is "falling out of love"/

Do you say, "I fell out of kindness?"  No...you stopped doing kind things.  So you can't "fall out of love" you just stop doing loving things.

"To love" is a commandment

We have to use agency to choose to do loving things.  Then the feelings of love remain strong.

Pride more easily seen in others than ourselves.

It's easy to see the other person and the problems in your marriage.

EXAMPLE:  Brother & Sister Tanner were about 4 years into their marriage they had a "newly wed" game at a ward party.  They were asked, "What is it your spouse does that irritates you the most?"  Sister Tanner had to answer how Brother Tanner would answer.  She said, "He can't think of anything."  His answer, "She gets mad because I don't turn my socks right side out."  She never folded his socks again.

Where is your "little thing"?  Is it taking the garbage out to the street?  Where is your pin prick? Women usually have quite a few.  Men don't have as many. 

Ask yourself, "What would it be like to be married to me?"

For men the biggest problem is that the wife tries to parent them, but we (as women) do it under the umbrella of helping you to be a better husband or priesthood holder.  Men see this as nagging.  It will never instill the desire to change the behavior.  

For women the biggest problem with the men is that they withdraw.  They think that men just don't care as much.

Men need to feel admired and needed.  They need to feel like we appreciate what they do.  That we believe in them to lead our home.  They need to feel that continuously.

Women need to feel cherished.  They need to feel like they are the most important thing in your life.  

If it's not getting in (even if you are doing it), it doesn't count.

"Is it I?  Am I the one that should be changing in this?"  If you say "No." you need to read the talk on pride then ask it again.

"I was amused to read of an experience recorded by Elder F. Burton Howard in his biography of President Marion G. Romney: “His good-humored love for Ida was manifested in many ways. He delighted in telling of her hearing loss. ‘I once went to see a doctor about her hearing,’ he would say. ‘He asked me how bad it was, and I said I didn’t know. He told me to go home and find out. The doctor instructed me to go into a far room and speak to her. Then I should move nearer and nearer until she does hear. Following the doctor’s instructions, I spoke to her from the bedroom while she was in the kitchen—no answer. I moved nearer and spoke again—no answer. So I went right up to the door of the kitchen and said, “Ida, can you hear me?” She responded, “What is it, Marion—I’ve answered you three times." Listen & Learn by Russell M. Nelson May 1991 Ensign

We say, "If you would just _________, the I would be happy."

EXAMPLE:  A husband and a wife went to a marriage seminar.  The wife told him that she was irritated that he would never put the tube on the toothpaste.  He thought about it and decided that was a little thing he could change that.  So the next morning when he was brushing his teeth he thought about it and put the lid back on the toothpaste.  He waited all day and anticipated the attention that he would get for remembering to put on the lid.  Nothing.  The next day he did the same thing.  Still nothing.  He did that all week long.  Saturday when they get up the wife says, "We need to talk.  I want to know why you haven't brushed your teeth all week."

Look for the good not the bad.

• Stephen R. Covey relates the following experience:  “At one seminar, after I’d spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, ‘I like what you’re saying, but my wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don’t love each other anymore. What can I do?’  “‘Love her,’ I replied.  “He looked puzzled. ‘How do you love when you don’t feel love?’  “‘My friend,’ I responded, ‘love is a verb. The feeling of love is the fruit of love. So love your wife. You did it once, you can do it again. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. It’s your choice. Are you willing to do that?’  “Of course, I was asking this man if he was willing to search within himself for the character required to make his marriage work. All our relationships follow the contours of life; they have ups and downs. This is why our families provide a critical measure of our character—and the opportunity, again and again to nurture it.”   Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign

Parable of marriage

• Alma 32:37  And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.
• (Parable of Marriage)---Planting the seed and faith
• Parable is true in lots of areas
• Principles being taught...good marriage = nourish/effort, bad marriage = neglect
• Look up "nourish" it with mush care it will bring forth love.
• Nourish everyday
• Plant withers in  day...worse in a week
• At the 1st no one made you think about him
• You have to think about it everyday
• We think about taking care of children - fed, clothes, ready, papers signed
• You hold children with not expectations you hold husbands to a higher level
• We take offense where none was intended.

• Alma 32:38  But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.

• If ye neglect the marriage and take not thought (daily) for his nourishment when the sun cometh (trials) and scorcheth it. Ye pluck it up and cast it out.
• Most of us do an emotional divorce.  You withdraw.  "I won't let you hurt me anymore."

• Alma 32:39  Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.
• This is not because the marriage isn't good nor is it because love isn't good.  It's because your heart isn't committed to doing loving things.

• Alma 32:40  And thus, if ye will not nourish the word, looking forward with an eye of faith to the fruit thereof, ye can never pluck of the fruit of the tree of life.
• Stop keeping score
• Without pay backs
• Eventaully you will recieve the Celestial love you yearn for.

Trials that come along...bills, busyness, life, broken car, illness.

Infatuation....busyness comes, but you still love each other.  Then you begin living parallel lives.  You pass each other.  Your conversations are logistics, planning meetings.  You cease having meaningful times together.  This goes on for a few years.  Both partners start feeling lonely.  You say you are doing fine, but in your heart you aren't.

Go back to the beginning of where the 2 of you grow together.  Nourish that daily.

6 things...Either person can do them and it will change your marriage, but if you both do them men will feel appreciated, women will feel cherished and your relationship will change.  If you choose to do this lives will be connected not parallel.  Why do you think the Lord want you to go on senior missions?  So they can come together.  They are learning to be Gods together.  Learning to become one.

1.  Get rid of unreal expectations:

• The irritants have been there all along.  If you have asked him 96 times to stop chewing with his mouth open you need to get over it.  Use prayer.  
• Stop thinking about how life might have been if you'd married "whoever"
• Don't look at someone else in the ward and say I wish you were like them.
• Fall in love with who your spouse really is.
• "My sweetheart has done that. Through our many long years of postgraduate study, professional responsibilities, and a growing family, she did not complain. Recently I overheard a conversation she had with young mothers enduring similar stress. They asked her how she had managed with ten children and a husband whose time to help was so limited. Kindness was reflected in her reply: “Through our struggling years I didn’t expect much, so I was rarely disappointed.” Joy Cometh in the Morning by Russell M. Nelson November 1986 Ensign

2.  Stop Keeping Score.

• Too many people got married because we thought the other person made us happy
• What am I doing to make you happy?
• "I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion."  What God Hath Joined Together by Gordon B. Hinckley May 1991 Ensign 
• Write down 2 things to make your spouse happy.  In the next 2 weeks as a Christmas present to them give it to them without keeping score. 
• Don't turn it back around to you. 
• The entire gift is given in love, without expecting or looking for what comes back to you. 
• Your gifts will fit their needs (men need appreciation, women need to be cherished)

3.  Discover their love language.

• EXAMPLE:  Brother Tanner's love language is physical touch.  The best gift she could give him was a back rub at the end of the day.  He would melt.  He would then say, "Let me give you a back rub."  She had children crawling on her all day long.  She didn't want that.  Sister Tanner's love language is Word of Affirmation.
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
• Gift Giving
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• 5 Love Languages Online Assessments.

4.  Learn to Validate Them.

• It is an art
• Counsel to men.  Don't say, "You are the most wonderful mom in the world."  She will think of all the ways that she isn't the most wonderful mom.  Instead try more specifics, "I love watching you read stories at night to the kids on the couch.  I'm glad you are their mother."  That will get in because she can see that she does sit on the couch and read stories to the kids.
• Validate each other much more than we do.
• Validate them daily 3x at least
• Say it as well as writing it.

5.  Time Together Alone

• You are building an eternal relationship.
• No electronics on date night.  An occasional movie, but the date needs to be interacting with each other.
• At least 1x each year you need to go away together for a weekend. 
• You can have that "get away" in your own home.  Find someone else to take the kids.
• Daily talk time:  This is a fabulous way to validate women.  It doesn't have to be hours.  Maybe just 15 minutes each day. 
• Women need to talk, men need to listen like you care.
• Learn the art of asking good questions.
• You focus on what they say.
• Smile & nod.
• In what they say will be your next question.
• I care about it because my husband does.
• Men talk about "things".  They are still talking.
• Encourage them to share.
• Women talk about "feelings". 
• Men want to get to the bottom line.  When your wife has a bad day, don't try to fix the bad day, just ask questions about the bad day.  She will fix the problem herself.
• Men you do not know the power you have over your wife.  You are the wind beneath her wings.  When she feels cherished she can do anything.
• President  James E Faust said,  women may feel like they have to carry the burden in marriage, but you have been given gifts to help you fix it.
• We get critical of our spouse.  We might not say anything, but our facial expressions like rolling our eyes goes to the kids.
• "Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood."  The Father Who Cares by James E. Faust Ensign Sept 2006

6.  Build your Relationship Spiritually

• Kneel together every night and have couple prayer
• Discuss things you have read in scriptures or lessons you had a church
• Share your testimony with them.
• Have father give priesthood blessings
• Go to husband and ask for blessing of strength and courage.  When you do this 2 things happen....1. The Lord will bless you.  2.  As he becomes a conduit he receives through the Holy Ghost insight into what you are going through.  He will understand better how to help you.
• Need to have goal setting meetings as a couple.
• Need to have something you are working on and planning for.
• Attend the temple regularly together. 
• Don't wait until the temple opens again to go.
• Everything is better after you walk out.

This is the most important relationship.  Satan will try the hardest to ruin it.  It will affect every member of your family.  It has to be nourished with consistency...DAILY!!!  It is a daily process.  This should be your #1 priority.  Ask yourself..."What can I do to make my husband feel cherished?  lighten his load?  show him love?  do loving things?

Other things become bearable when you strengthen these things.

Challenge you to look at chart of charity in Lynn Robbins talk  Agency & Love in Marriage by Lynn Robbins  October 2000 Ensign.  He breaks it down into how it works in marriage.  He translates the verses about charity into marriage.

What things to do you need to repent of and change so your marriage is sweeter.  

The core of the family is the marriage relationship.

Class #9-Manners & Gratitude

Manners

• We live in a crude, rude, undisciplined society.  There is no respect for appearance, people, and positions of authority.
• "Although the world has changed, the laws of God remain constant. They have not changed; they will not change. The Ten Commandments are just that—commandments. They are not suggestions. They are every bit as requisite today as they were when God gave them to the children of Israel"  Thomas S. Monson  New Era November 2011
• We are losing every sense of value
• One lady at work had found pornography on her husband's cell phone.  The other ladies said, "Men just do that."  That's the world's reaction to things now.
• Kids dress with their pants falling off, immodest dress, and horrible language.
• Look at ward dinners....who eats first?  Kids, who overfill their plates and then they play hide-n-seek while the adults are eating whatever is left over.
• There is a lack of respect for personal property.  Kids say, "I'm just borrowing it, I'm not stealing it."
• Children need to be taught what the expectation is.  They don't know and there is no where in the world they will be taught it.
• This started in the 60's with the liberated movement.  The focus from that time on is comfort and ease.
• As life has become faster and easy we lose manners and respect. 

Principle:  We need to teach respect & manners.  It is the core of reverence.
Practices:  Things we need to teach our children...

1.  Do not allow your children to call adults by their first name....

• Margaret S. Lifferth "Respect & Reverence"  April 2009 General Conference  "My stake president has been a dear friend for over 30 years, and as friends, we have always called each other by our first names. But because he serves in a calling of priesthood leadership—in public and certainly in a Church setting—I make a conscious effort to refer to him as President Porter. Teaching our children and youth that it is appropriate to address our leaders as president, bishop, brother, and sister encourages respect and reverence. It also teaches the truth that leaders are called of God and have been given sacred responsibilities.
• What if you are a Young Women's leader and say, "I don't want to be called 'sister' it makes me feel old."  Tough!  You are their leader.  They need to show you respect.
• What if your daughter's Young Women leaders insist on being called by their first name?  When all 3 parties are present say to the leader, "I know you would like her to call you by your first name, but in our home we want them calling you 'Sister_______' as a sign of respect."
• Don't allow someone else to parent your children
• What if it is someone outside the church?  What title do you use then?  Mr. & Mrs.
• Aunts & Uncles/Nursery Leaders/Preschool teachers....Ms. Tracy, Always need to use a title of respect to precede the name.

2.  Leaders of the Church

• Should always use "Elder or President Packer, Monson, Scott, etc."
• Preface their name with a title and it shows respect for the office.

3.  Hold children to higher level of standard.


4.  Teach children how to answer a phone and take a message.

• Have a family home evening on this.

5. Teach them how to shake hands.

• When home teachers come to your home they should....stand, shake hands, listen to the lesson, stand, shake hands when they leave.
• Don't allow them to crawl all over the home teachers during the lesson.  They can give them hugs before and after.
• By the time they are 2 they need to learn to sit.
• In FHE time they need to learn to sit for small amounts of time.
• We need to teach our HT & VT how to teach our family.

6.  Priesthood is the Lord's errand.

• Need to be dressed in a white shirt & tie to give blessings, pass the sacrament, collect fast offerings, anything that deals in a priesthood errand.

7.  Table Manners

• We have fast foods.  We eat on the run or we have picky eaters. 
• One family uses "Manners on/Manners off".  When they say "Manners on" they have to talk in a British accent, use good manners, be polite.  When they say "Manners off" they have to use really bad manners.  They practice at regular meals.  Then when they have guests the parents say, "Manners on for real".  The kids get the point.
• Teach them then give them the opportunity to use them.
• Invite company in.
• The way Sister Tanner learned manners...if you chewed with your mouth open her Dad reached across the table and held your lips closed.  If you reached for things, you got poked with a fork.  She doesn't recommend that method.
• Be consistent.
• Use please pass... and thank you.
• Chew with your mouth closed.
• Children not allowed to say, "I hate (food)."  They still have to take a "thank-you" bite.  It is one bite that says no thank-you I wouldn't like any more.  If they don't dish it then  the parent gets to decide how much they have.

8.  Teach children you are not their slave.

• Some families have "leaverights"....Leave 'er right here and leave 'er right there.  :)

9.  Polite language

• Please & thank you
• No name calling or labels

10.  Teach children date etiquette

• Boys open the doors.  Girls let them.
• Teach your girls not to "attack" the boys.  They need to be more lady-like/feminine.

11.  Teach children (and yourselves) to RSVP.


12.  Write thank you letters.


13.  Cell Phones

• They have a place and a purpose.  They don't have a place or a purpose at church, in sacrament meetings, in YM/YW activities, or on scout trips.
• Youth need to learn to be unplugged.
• If your kids are texting their friends in the family room then they are inviting all their friends into your family time.
• Cell phones should never ring in class ever.
• If YM/YW bring their phones to class give them one chance then next time have them leave them in a basket on the table by the door.  They can pick them up on the way out the door from the activity.

GRATITUDE:

• This is the foundation of all other gifts.  This is where all gifts begin.  This will change your life if you let it. 
• Cicero (in Rome) said, "Gratitude is not the greatest of virtues, but is the parent of all virtues."
• Flows out of a heart of gratitude. 
• To build humility, faith, hope, or any other virtue it has to start with gratitude.
• We say we are thankful.  Making a list of thank yous doesn't make you grateful.
• We want to get past the list of thank yous to build character.
• Gratitude is not a suggestion it is a commandment.
• D&C 59:7   "Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things."
• D&C 59:21  " And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments."
• Alma 34:38  "That ye contend no more against the Holy Ghost, but that ye receive it, and take upon you the name of Christ; that ye humble yourselves even to the dust, and worship God, in whatsoever place ye may be in, in spirit and in truth; and that ye live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which he doth bestow upon you."
• Doctrine & Covenants 59 was given when the Saints were in Winter Quarters.  They have been chased out of Nauvoo & crossed the river.  Disease was everywhere.  Babies were delivered in the mud.  They were feeling wretched.  The Lord told them to "give thanks in all things.  If they weren't joyful, then they should pray until they were joyful then sing & dance and give praise & joy."
• What was there to give thanks for?  Why would he tell them to do that?  Gratitude gives peace & heals a broken heart.

Gratitude for the Goodness of God  by Robert D. Hales  Ensign May 1992
"Gratitude expressed to our Heavenly Father in prayer for what we have brings a calming peace—a peace which allows us to not canker our souls for what we don’t have. Gratitude brings a peace that helps us overcome the pain of adversity and failure. Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future. A recognition of and appreciation for our gifts and talents which have been given also allows us to acknowledge the need for help and assistance from the gifts and talents possessed by others."

• When we are filled with gratitude (or our children are filled with gratitude) we lose the rebellion. 
• We don't teach our children to be grateful when we give them things.
• Withholding stuff and involving our children in hard service gives them a sense of gratitude:  You need to be an example.  We need to develop a core of gratitude and then live it.  It's more than saying thank you.  That gratitude starts in the head and then moves to the heart. 
• Example:  Start a paper chain from now until Christmas and write down something that you are thankful for on each link.  Then take it off each night and talk about that thing you are grateful for and why.  It keeps their minds off "me".
• Example:  When Nathan got home from his mission to Brazil he didn't want a lot of people at the airport to meet him.  He just wanted to slip home from his mission.  He wanted to attend the temple.  So they went through a session and then waited outside for Nathan and he didn't come and didn't come and didn't come for about 45 minutes they waited.  Sister Tanner assumed that he had run into someone he knew and was chatting.  Finally she sent Brother Tanner back in looking for him.  When they came out Nathan just had tears in his eyes and apologized for making them wait for him.  He had been standing in the bathroom with his hands under hot running water.  He hadn't seen that or experienced that for 2 years.  Even when they went to the grocery store he was so amazed at all the food.  It took the 2 years of being without that made him appreciate the small things we take for granted. 
• Example:  Have a "blackout" night.  No electronics or electricity.  Cook with out it, eat without it, and just have a fun night. 
• Example:  Sister Tanner's Dad would purchase 1# boxes of chocolates and take them to the bank teller and the laundry where his shirts were done.  His daughter asked him one time, "Isn't this a little much?"  Dad answered and said, "This in not strange.  Remember this day.  When anyone gives you service you need to express appreciation."
• Gratitude comes form giving thanks.

Henry B. Eyring "O Remember, Remember" Ensign October 2007

• This begins in the head and takes it to the heart.
• Write down the tender mercies you see in your life and encourage your children to do the same.

Elder Stephen West "Small Experiences"  Ensign February 2004 
"A third experience occurred while we were touring the Jamaica Kingston Mission in 2000. As we drove through a slum in Kingston, I saw graffiti written in large white brush strokes on a brick wall of a decrepit building. The message read, “Blessed are those who can give without remembering and those who can receive without forgetting.”

• This means no keeping score, especially with your spouse

"

A fourth experience happened in 1957 in Portland, Oregon, where I served as a young missionary in the Northwestern States Mission. Several of us were walking from the mission home to the mission office a few blocks away. As we walked, a car stopped abruptly, and a man jumped out and ran toward us asking, “Are you preaching the gospel of Brigham?” We started to reply, “We are missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,” when he handed us $9.00 and a box of saltwater taffy. Before we could give him back the money, he ran back to his car and drove away. We thought the experience was very unusual.

Some months later in a multizone conference, a missionary told about an experience he and his companion had while waiting at a bus stop. A man stopped his car, jumped out, and gave them $7.00 and a box of peanut brittle, then drove off. Another missionary related a similar experience while tracting in a suburb of Portland, this time with $14.00 and a box of chocolate mints. The pattern continued as one missionary after another told similar stories, each involving various amounts of money and different types of candy; in all instances, the man left before much discussion could ensue.

Finally, a missionary stood and told how he and his companion happened to know this man. As the elders were preparing to enter a bus station, a man, seeing they were missionaries for the Church, asked where they were going and if they needed a ride. Those being simpler and safer days, the missionaries accepted the offer and rode with him south through Oregon. During the course of that ride, their newfound friend gave them some money and candy, then told them this story:

In 1932 he had been young and unemployed because of the Depression. While crossing the United States as a vagrant looking for work, he ventured to a town in the northern part of the Great Plains. Since it was Christmas Eve and he had no place to stay, he decided to crawl under a bridge to spend the night out of the snow. He found there were two people already there—two young men in coats and ties and white shirts with some packages on their laps. They were LDS missionaries who had just been to the post office to pick up Christmas packages sent to them by their families. Being too excited to wait until they arrived home, they had decided to get out of the snow and see what their families had sent.

The missionaries invited the vagrant to join them under the bridge as they opened their packages. One of the missionaries received cookies and hand-knit gloves. The other received brownies, homemade candy, and a hand-knit scarf. As they sat under the bridge, they shared their treats with this man and then sang Christmas carols together. When the elders were ready to leave, they asked the man if he had a place to sleep. He told them he was used to staying outdoors and would be all right. They then said, “If you are going to stay here, you should take our cookies and brownies to eat as well as the scarf and gloves to keep you warm.” He protested, but they persisted, so he happily accepted the cookies, brownies, scarf, and gloves. The missionaries then left to go to their lodgings.

The man told the two missionaries he was giving a ride to in 1957 that he had never forgotten that experience and had resolved to never pass LDS missionaries without giving them whatever cash he had in his pocket. And inasmuch as he was at that time a wholesale candy salesman, he could also share samples of his wares. He told the missionaries he had been doing this for years and years. When they asked if he was a member of the Church, he said he was not because his wife objected to it. But he added that if she ever consented, he would be most interested in joining. For 25 years, he had been sharing with our missionaries. Who knows how long thereafter he continued to do the same."

HOMEWORK:

Write down 3 things you are thankful for.  To give requires action.  For these things you are thankful for you need to do something.

• EXAMPLE: If you are thankful for food....Invite someone else to dinner, donate food to a food bank, sort food @ the Idaho food bank.
• EXAMPLE:  If you are thankful for your home....Keep it cleaner, invite others in, FHE lesson with another family.
• EXAMPLE:  If you are thankful for your family....Make a commitment to validate them more and write notes about specific reasons why you are thankful they are in your family.
• EXAMPLE:  If you are thankful for the gospel...Read your scriptures more, Study the life of Christ before Christmas.
• This is doing more than saying "thank you".  "Thanks-giving" requires you to "give" something because of what you are thankful for.

This is a story Sister Tanner was going to use, but then ran out of time.  DANCING IN THE RAIN