Parenting Class Cancelled 10/25/11 & 10/27/11

Parenting Class will be cancelled on Tuesday 10/25/11 and Thursday 10/27/11.  Sister Tanner's father passed away and she will be out of town.  Please pass this information on to any other members of the class.  

Thanks!

Andrea Hansen

Class #6 Competition vs. Cooperation

If you will use "Praise vs. Encouragement" and "Competition vs. Cooperation" together you will reduce the amount of discipline you need in your home.


When your children argue & fight you jump in the middle and fight too.  It just increases the contention.  We set our children up to fight.  


Competition causes contention.


Example:  There were 3 youth present and some adults.  There were 2 boys(brothers) & 1 girl.  None of them were at a dating age yet.  The girl had just recently lost a bunch of weight and did a make-over.  The adult person said, "Now, if you could date which one of these boys would you choose...Spencer the athletic football player, or Carson the musical one?"  All 3 felt awful.  She didn't want to say and they didn't want to know.  The adult was just trying to be funny, but it put everyone in a lose/lose situation.


Example:  The Dad loves athletics.  He has 2 sons.  One is involved in sports and one is involved in choir.  The dad says he likes to attend both, but what their actions show is that sports is more important.  When there is a choir performance coming up the Dad doesn't cheer and get all excited about it, but when the sports play offs are coming up that's all that they can talk about. 


What they hear is their truth.  don't put them in competition with each other over their interests.


Children come to earth very self focused.  There is nothing wrong with that.  We have to be taught to get out of that.  It becomes bad if they are not taught to think out.


You can only change yourself.  You have no control over anyone else. 


All of us know someone who is better than ___________, and that person knows it too.  They are cocky.  


You can use good "bad" examples.  If your friend has a child come over and they walk to your fridge and get in it without asking permission after they leave you can say, "When you go to someone else's house you don't get in someone else's fridge."  You focus on the behavior not the person.  They already know who did it.


We want life to be "fair".


The universal sin = pride.


This comes in 2 forms.  "I am better than you." (top looking down) or "You think you are better than me." (bottom looking up)


We have to learn how to control our feelings.


There are 3 levels that we deal with pride. Our biggest responsibility is in these 3 relationships...

1. As a Mother.
• Do you feel you are right, because you are Mom?
• When you walk into your child's room do you say, "You can't have those pictures on the wall because it doesn't look right."
• OR "your bed is made wrong."
• OR "You must clean your room before you go to school."  The principle is that they have to have a clean room, but the when there is lots of space for that.  They can clean it after school.
• We feel like it has to be done on my time frame when I like it.
2. As a Spouse
• Do you have to be right just because your are right?
• Do you put being right first or the relationship with the person?
3. As a Family Member in the Family you grew up in.
• Do we always compare and say what is right and what is fair?
• Why do they get more than we do?
• Example:  Sister Tanner has an older sister.  She is 18 months older.  She was always Dad's favorite.  She was a preemie.  She had pneumonia.  Dad spent a lot of time with her and they had a connection.  She felt like the only interaction she had with her Dad was when he told her what she was doing wrong.  
• Sometimes those feelings stay even after we leave home.  Then you act like you have to better than they are to be good enough.  You are always trying to prove you are better than another family member by what you or your kids do.

Pride:

• We need to closely read and almost memorize this talk
• Read it quarterly at least
• Pride was the cause of the fall of the Nephite nation.
• Emma Smith & Oliver Cowdery were both warned about pride.
• Pride is damning (meaning stopping) progression.
• To take our children out of pride we have to take them out of competition.
• We don't always see it in ourselves, but we can see it in others.
• It is a universal sin, but not well understood.  
• We have to get it out of ourselves first.  

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us."  President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• If you are in opposition to, anger, self pity/defeat, you are in pride.  If you can't feel harmony you are in pride.
• Harmony doesn't mean you agree.  You can agree to disagree.  
• The relationship is more peaceful.  
• I am so anxious to change you that I'm willing to give up the relationship to be right.
• You are more concerned about the other person than am I getting my own way.
• My way of thinking vs. your way of thinking....that is competition.

"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled." President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• Example:  Mike's sibling's played football together.  Mike's team won.  He made a play against one of the other brothers.  After it was long over the other brother walked up to Mike while they were just sitting there and punched Mike in the mouth.  He knocked a tooth loose and they had to go to the ER.  This was because his brother was "right".  Competition.

"Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s." President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

Labels God gives pride.....

• rebellion
• hard-heartedness
• stiff-neckedness
• unrepentant
• puffed up
• easily offended
• sign seekers

• If you ask in prayer with an open heart and with real intent you will be shown where your pride is.
• We pit ourselves against others.

"In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)"  President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.  They you have cooperation in your home. 
• Our motives for what we do it where the sin is manifest.  It's in our thoughts.  It's why we do what we do.

How do we get rid of pride?  The antidote is humility.  You have to know what pride it before you can figure out how to get rid of it.

What is pride? (Identified from talk) President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• fault finding
• gossiping
• backbiting
• murmuring
• living beyond our means
• envying
• coveting
• withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another
• being unforgiving
• jealous
• selfishness--how does everything affect me
• self-conceit
• self-pity
• worldy self-fulfillment
• self-gratification
• self-seeking
• contention
• arguments
• fights
• unrighteous dominion
• generation gaps
• divorces
• spouse abuse
• riots
• disturbances
• disobedient (power struggle with pride)
• When we say, "Why am I the only one that takes care of the dog?  Why am I the only one that does the dishes?  Why am I the only one that feeds the kids?"  How does this affect me?
• When you become the center of your thoughts that is pride.
• hold grudges
• false self esteem
• Our kids only feel valuable as the world strokes them.  That is why you have to get our of praise and allow them to feel their value from inside.
• When we are constantly trying to be better than someone else we feel like "If you succeed I fail."  However "If we try, we succeed".  It's in the effort....not in the prduct.

"The Tongue Can Be A Sharp Sword" by Marvin J. Ashton  April 1992 Ensign

• Need to have a FHE lesson on this
• No bashing each other
• Lose respect for anyone because we make fun of them
• We need to respect the office/position even if we don't respect the individual person.  (Example: Saying Mr. Obama instead of President Obama)
• Pride will destroy.
• We need to take it out of ourselves and our homes.  Those are our areas of stewardship.

Humility:

• To be humble is not the submissive mouse that says everyone is better than me.
• Humility was exemplified in the Savior.  He didn't grovel to anyone.  He stood up for what was right.
• Tanner 1:1  Humility is seen as you are grateful and live your life out.
• This creates humility which gets rid of pride.

Tools to Create Humility:

1. Gratitude
• Teach your children to be grateful.  This must be taught.
2. Create win-win situations
• "Quick who can get dressed first" (someone wins/someone loses)
• "Who can get their jobs done first" (someone wins/someone loses)
• This is motivating for someone who understands quick, but not for those that don't
• Example:  In Primary class there is one student who always knows all the articles of faith and one who never will.  Need to say, "We'll all say the article of faith together." instead of "Who can say Article of Faith #4?"  Instead of "Who can find this scripture first" it needs to be "When everyone has this scripture we will read it."  (win/win situation)
• Example:  When family goes bowling say, "If the family gets a combined score of 300 we all get to go for ice cream." (win/win)
• Example: "When everyone is dressed for bed we can read a story and have family prayer." (win/win)
• There can't be a winner and a loser
3. Use the language of love
• please, thank you
• respect
• no name calling
• no cruelty, not even jokingly
• "We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves; we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves."  "Pride and the Priesthood" by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf  October 2010
4. Prayer
• When you kneel for family prayer talk about what is going on in everyone's lives.  Include Mom & Dad.
• Look for needs in the family.
• In the morning pray for those needs.
• At night have them return and report.  Then give thanks in prayer.
5. Serve Each Other
• If they someone in the family is struggling you can ask, "How can I help?"
• Look for ways that they can help.  Can you do the dishes for your brother so he can work on his poster?
• We (as women) have a wonderful time serving, but a horrible time receiving service.
• We don't allow other to help us or our children to help each other.
• Humility is better taught in the poor and receiving than in the rich and giving.
• When someone brings you in a dinner, make sure that you voice your gratitude for their service to your children.  Have your children help write the thank you notes for their service.
6. Use PPI (Person Priesthood/Progress Interviews)
• This doesn't have to be by the priesthood only.  It can be with Mom
• Teach them to set goals and steps to reach their goals.
• It teaches them that they are only in competition with themselves.
• This is preparing them for life.
• If they come back the next week and say, "I don't really want to do that goal." What do you do?  You say, that's ok.  What would you like to work on instead?  They can change their minds just like we do.
• Set goals that are small enough to be attainable.
• If they say, "I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up."  You can say "Great!  What are you going to do this week to work towards that?  Get an "A" on your spelling test?  Work on your handwriting?"  Then the next week they come back and say, "I don't want to be a doctor I want to be an astronaut."  You say, "Great! Should we get a book about the stars to learn more about them?"
• Video games even though they progress to different levels will not give them self confidence.
• These PPI's should be at least 1x/month--more formal
• Then everyday is a regular follow up
• A PPI can simply be a chat with just Mom & Dad about where they are.  It should be fun...food? candy?  It gives you the opportunity to ask where they are in their lives.
• Dad's should "preside" and do this once a month, but you can't make them do it.  You can encourage them to.  
• Can you ask for feedback from the child on how you are doing as a parent?  Only if you are brave.  :)  It's a good idea, but be careful that you don't open it up to bashing parents.  Say something like, "Is there something I could do better as a parent to help you?"
• These can start as young as age 2.  You call them into the family room, hold them on your lap, love them, hug them, talk to them, and then send them on their way after 5 minutes.  It's the 'good' feeling they get that makes them want to come back for more.  They will start asking for PPI's.  This is setting the scene for future contact.
• We need to raise the bar for our kids and encourage them to do a little more.  Read them the story from L. Tom Perry about pole vaulting.   "Raising the Bar" 
• If you use encouragement well you will pull them out of competition.  Then they will serve better.

Not fighting doesn't mean you agree it means you agree not to fight.  We have to agree to not contend.  We have to change our feelings first. 

Getting over pride is part of mortality.

Reader's Digest, November 1961 story..... Della Reese when she was 13 years old Mahalia Jackson (Queen of Gospel) came and heard her sing in her choir.  She asked her mother is she could tour with her.  Parents hesitated because she was so young.  She sang her songs and sang higher than Mahalia Jackson.  One day she stood up to sing and while they were still applauding she decided to sing another song because she didn't have any other part.  When she sat down Mahalia Jackson while still sitting started singing "Precious Lord take my Hand."  When she was done there was a thunderous applause.  She realized later that the difference between her singing and Mahalia's was that Della was showing off and Mahalia was worshipping God.  Later when they were singing at another place Della sang a high note and someone from the back sang one higher.  Della sang a higher one and someone else sang even higher until she outsang Della.  Della was furious.  Afterwards she found the young girl in the back with Mahalia and Mahalia was asking her if she wanted to tour with them.  Della was mad and stormed off.  Mahalia found her and said, "There you are Della Reese. Isn't it great the talent you find in places?"  Della didn't think so.  Mahalia said...."It's not about how high you sing.  It's about feeling the presence of God.  You are not in competition, you are in God's service.  Be glad he called you, but get over your miss-wonderful thing and just be who you are.  You are not the only one called. Now come and meet this child." 

HOMEWORK:

• Read and study this talk by President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 General Conference.
• Think about the pride in yourself and your children.
• Read and study this talk by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf on "Pride and the Priesthood" by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf  October 2010
• Read and study this talk by Marvin J. Ashton "The Tongue Can Be A Sharp Sword" by April 1992 Ensign
• Work to take competition out of yourself and out of your home.

Class #5 Praise vs. Encouragement (Follow Up)

When you make changes the behavior will get worse before it gets better because they are trying to make you go back to the "normal" way so they know what to expect and how to act. 


It took Sister Tanner 6 years before she could incorporate these principles to become natural.


When you find periods of time when your children are out of control and contentious, step back and look at how you have been acting.  Look at your face, your words, and your energy.  You will usually find that you are coming across as anxious and snippy, trying to get your own agenda done.  Generally, they are reflecting your behavior.  Take mini moments of focused one on one to get through those discouraging times.

Carleen's Dance

Carleen’s Dance

By: Sandi Haslam

  

A spotlight, white and brilliant,

Lays a circle on the stage,

And in the hush there stands there,

A child of tender age.

Slippered for the dance she’s learned,

She listens, small and scared,

To hear the melody she knows,

For which she has prepared

She knows out in the darkness,

Just beyond the light,

Her father, in the first row,

Will watch her dance tonight.

Familiar, lovely, music

Begins to fill her ears.

Her small slippers start to dance

Despite her childish fear.

Carefully remembering

Each spin and turn and bow,

She dances to the edge of light

And pauses to look out.

But all there is, is darkness,

Missteps, and then she falls.

From somewhere just beyond the light,

Her name is softly called.

“Go on, go on! Keep dancing!

I’m here, where you can’t see,

But oh! My Ballerina,

You’re so beautiful to me!”

At his voice she rises

And dances till it’s done.

Then, there he is, embracing,

When the curtain comes.

All mistakes forgotten,

She triumphed in the light

Because her loving father

Watched her dance tonight.

You’re the ballerina,

And life becomes your stage---

This is your chance---your time to dance,

Your chosen epic age.

When the world would blind you

And hide Him from your sight,

Know Father cares, and the He’s there,

Just beyond the light.

Wishing He could save you

When you stumble and you fall,

Knowing you by very name,

Softly He will call---

“Go on, go on! Keep dancing!

I’m here where you can’t see,

But, oh! My ballerina!

You’re so beautiful to me!”

And at His voice you’ll know Him.

You’ll rise and dance again—

You’ll weare out slippers trying

To dance the dance like Him.

When the music dies away

And finally it is done,

There He’ll be, embracing,

When to the veil you come.

All mistakes forgiven,

You triumphed in the light,

Because a Loving Father

Watched you dance tonight.

Class #5 Praise vs. Encouragement

Sister Tanner's granddaughter and another class member's daughter were in the Distinguished Young Woman program.  Mallory & Aubrey did a great job.  Mallory didn't make it to the top 10.  When it was over she was just so excited to have been involved in the program.  There was no remorse or bad feelings that she didn't win.  She was just glad that she could participate.  


What happens to you or your children in defeat?  How do you react to the situation? What do we do to create children that are always winners regardless of circumstances?


Mallory was looking at all the good things that happened that she was able to experience and none of the negative things.  


Do you look at failure as a blessing?  Do you look at trials as a blessing?  Do you look at your health as a blessing?  Do you look at disobedient children as a bless?


Winning wasn't the ultimate goal for Mallory & Aubrey. Participation was.  There was another girl on stage that was physically very awkward.  She knew she didn't have a chance to win.  When she compared herself to the top notch she didn't match up.  She decided she was going to have a good time.  Her attitude was it's going to be fun.  However, every time she came on stage she was putting on a show.  She needed outside people to make her feel good.  Mallory & Aubrey's validation came from the inside.


As we parent what do we want that goal to be?  We want the validation coming from the inside out.


As parents we unconsciously create a feeling of value from outside strokes.  


How do you think Heavenly Father feels about you?  If you died in a car accident on the way home, do you think you would go to the Celestial Kingdom?  Most of us think we are doing pretty good, but you still need some time to be better because you wouldn't make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  Our feeling is because Heavenly Father doesn't come down and say, "Great Primary Lesson", "Good Parenting", "Good wife/husband" we don't think we are good enough.  Because we don't get that instantly we doubt our value.  We think that it doesn't matter what I do it's never good enough.  We self-criticize.  


What happens when you walk into your child's bedroom that they were supposed to clean and it wasn't done well?  Do you say, "You missed a few things?"  "This isn't clean.  You know how to clean your room."  That child is dependent on your praise for  their value.  


Mallory & Aubrey could have looked back and said, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda," but they didn't.  They knew they were good.  How do we get our kids to be there?


When our children are dependent on someone from the outside to validate them so they feel like they are of value they become susceptible to the praise from their pees and when they are on their own they will follow the crowd. 


The principle comes from the talk by Elder Robins from the first class, Lynn Robbins (April 2011 General Conference).  "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"   When he talks about the "to do" and the "to be".  


“Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” (Elder Lynn G. Robbins May 2011 Ensign) "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"  


We give them that identity that they are failing by what we say.  We need to know how what we say affects them.  How are they taking it?  We judge ourselves by our intentions.  Intentions & actions are not always in harmony.


In this class 'praise' is a negative and 'encouragement' is a positive.
Praise (negative) is...It's saying positives in a negative way
Encouragement (positive) is...Empowering them to do and be good.


Emotional Bank Accounts:
Emotional bank account is just like a regular bank account.  You make deposits and withdrawals.  In a regular bank account...you deposit $1 you can withdraw $1.  In an emotional bank account you have to deposit 10 to withdraw 1.  Withdrawals are lectures or strong discipline.  Any action that THEY perceive as negative, even if you didn't mean it that way.  Many of us have our children's bank accounts our of balance.  They feel you love them, but your love is conditional on them being good.


When they do a task well the child determines a goodness and badness by how many positives you say to them.


Why to children tattle?  So they can be told they are good and someone else is bad.  This type of reward is based on competition.  When you praise a child for getting "A's" on their report card the "C" student hears "I'm bad".  Praise motivates with external rewards.  


It's like having a bucket with a hole in the bottom.  You can pour in water and it goes right out the bottom.  They are constantly seeking your approval.  When you have a 'pleaser' child you give them lots of praise.  You think you are helping the, but you may be handicapping them.  They feel like a failure if they don't hear how 'good' they are.  Praise is frequently partnered with guilt.  When we can't validate ourselves from the inside out we feel like failures.


Example:  She went up to someone in the class and said, "You are the most beautiful woman in the class".  Immediately the feeling was that she was embarrassed, but covered it up well with humor.  Usually the 1st thing that goes through your mind is "No, I'm not."  It also make everyone else feel like 'if she is the most beautiful, then I am not.'  She is the winner and I'm the failure.  We start rationalizing all the reasons they are wrong.  


When a child comes down looking good they think they are of value.  The world is teaching them this.  It leads to discouragement, I can't, depression, and I good enough now, and always needing a reward system.


HOMEWORK: 

1. Validate your children 10:1 (10 positives to 1 negative)
2. Notice how you are saying positives.  Stop in the moment and rephrase it.  Your children will look at you like you are crazy, but you have to change it in the moment.
3.  Spend time with each child one on one this week.

Encouragement...

• Recognizes effort of improvement however slight.
• Focuses on strengths.
• Not interested in how the child compares with others (even other siblings)
• Aimed at helping the child feel worthy (not best or better)
• Motivates internally
• Can be given when a child is down and not doing well or facing failure.
• If a child has a "D" you can say "It looks to me like you are working hard and you have brought that up from an "F".  What if a "D" doesn't show they are working hard?  You can ask them..."How do you feel about this?"  Do you think you can do better?"  You let them create the program and don't just lay down the law for them.
• Use the problem to help them improve.  Be sure your expectations are real.  "How do you feel about that?"  "Did you work hard?"  "Did you do your best?"  They need to focus on effort.  "Do you think you can do better?"  "What can you do better?"  "How can I help you?"  Pray for the ability to ask good questions.
• Encouraging words can be come discouraging if your motivated by the adults desire to establish good behavior permanently.  
• EXAMPLE:  "It looks like you worked hard on that"...but then you add "it's about time."  or "Why don't you do this all the time?"  or "see what you can do when you try."
• When you add the ping or the jab at the end you turn encouragement into praise.  
• EXAMPLE:  "I love you.....BUT I wish you wouldn't criticize".  
• The jab disqualifies any positive you have said.

Praise...

• Is product oriented.  

"To be" is encouragement.

"To do" is praise.

Examples of Praise vs. Encouragement....

PRAISE: What a good girl you are for helping at the store.

ENCOURAGEMENT: I appreciated your help at the store.

PRAISE: What a good boy you are for cleaning the living room.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Thank you for cleaning the living room.  It looks nice.

PRAISE: I am so proud of the way you played together.

ENCOURAGEMENT: You all played together so nicely.

PRAISE: I felt so proud seeing your project at the science fair. (This says you are good if your project is good.)

ENCOURAGEMENT: You worked hard on your science project.  (This says you are good all the time & you did a good project)

PRAISE---You can't control the outcome.  We limit ourselves in how we lift them.

ENCOURAGEMENT---is effort.  It is something you can control.

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Thank you for doing the dishes you are very obedient.

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Thank you for being kind to each other.

Remember you can encourage your children in positive OR negative behavior.

PRAISE:  Aren't you wonderful to be mommy's helper with the dishes.  (They become dependent on someone saying they are good)

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Thank you for helping with the dishes.

If a child asks, "Am I being good Mom?"  you can respond, "What do you think?".  

It's ok to use the word 'proud' if it focuses on the effort not the value of the person.    You can say, "I'm proud of the effort you spent learning such a difficult song."  Instead of "I am proud of you for learning this song."

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Why don't you try again.  I'm sure you can do it.

ENCOURAGEMENT:  It seems you are having difficulty.  Can we discuss it?

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Have you learned anything to help you next time?

There are 4 ways to give Encouragement

1. Learn the Language of Encouragement
• Look for the positive 1st
• Tell them what you want them to do not what you don't want them to do. 
• Stop looking for things we need to correct
• Look for things they are doing right and comment on those.
• Instead of "Don't jump on the bed" say "Jump on the trampoline" or "Feet belong on the floor". 
• Stop being irritated by everything they do.
• Every misbehavior doesn't need a consequence.  If they didn't do the dishes right then they just need to do them again.
2. Learn your Child's Love Language
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
• There are some "online" assessment to figure out what your love language is or the love language of your child.  You can find them here.
• If they don't fee like you can love them they won't feel like Heavenly Father can love them either.
3. Individual Talk Time with children
• You can't create a relationship in the "mass".  You need one-on-one time.
• Ask questions & listen for the answers
• This opens their hearts and they feel safe to share. 
• This is the only time you will know if they are getting it and feeling loved.
• It's a time for you to evaluate yourself without guilt.
• That knowledge is a sacred gift from Heavenly Father to allow you to change and to be effective with that child.
• Everything that is good comes thru the Holy Ghost.
4. Help children set goals & achieve them.
• Achievement Days/Cub Scouts
• Faith in God
• Duty to God/Personal Progress
• The critical phrase is "return & report". 
• Help them set goals not dreams.  Goals have a plan of action.  They can take a dream and make a plan to get to that dream.
• They need to know how to plan their lives.

The road to exaltation is full of bumps.  We will go through rocky ridges and frozen rivers, but our lives will be full of 17 miracles.

"Carleen's Dance"  Poem written by Carleen Tanner's Sister.  When she is ready to share this poem and sends it to me I will post it on here.

Class #4 Traditions (Follow Up)

Here a few more traditions that people shared in class.

• Share a CTR Moment at the dinner table each night.  You have to teach them what a CTR Moment is and have them watch for them throughout the day.  It gets them in the habit of looking for them.

• At the dinner table each night...each person says the best thing about their day and the worst thing about their day.  It gives you the opportunity to see where your children are at and what they are thinking is the best/worst in each day.

• When the children are asked to do something the parents taught them to say, "Happy to do it."  It changes their attitude and makes the "happy" to do it.

• Child has bad manners at the table.  They bought a little pig (plastic, stuffed, whatever works).  When they use bad manners that pig gets to sit by their plate until someone else uses bad manners and it has to be passed to them.  The last one at the table with the pig by their plate when they are finished eating gets to do the dishes.  It's a fun playful way to get them to pay attention to their table manners.

• Gummy Bear Treasure Hunt:  This is one of those traditions that wasn't planned, but has become a tradition in our home.  After General Conference we order an Ensign of Conference for each of our children.  The first year we did this I didn't just want to hand over their magazines, because I knew that they wouldn't know what to do with them and what was available to them in it.  I had a package of gummy bears in my cupboard so I pulled them out and some little containers for each person.  I told them we were going to have a Gummy Bear Treasure Hunt which immediately got their interest because there was candy involved and it was a treasure hunt (and who doesn't like those).  I showed them that their Ensign had their own names written on the outside of them and it was theirs to keep with their scriptures for the next 6 months because that was the most recent scripture we were given by our living prophets.  Then I proceeded to tell them that they needed to be able to find the things in their that they had already heard in Conference.  So I had everyone turn to the index in the front of the Ensign and showed them how the talks were listed by Conference Session, Speaker, and Topic.  Then said, "As soon as you can  turn to the first page of the Saturday afternoon session of conference you can have a gummy bear."  As each person got there, each person got a gummy bear.  Those that got there first would help the others that weren't there yet or they would look at what the talk was.  We continued this with other questions like....How many talks were given by Dallin H. Oaks?  How many missionaries are out right now? (This only works after the April Conference when they give the statistics for the previous year) The year that my twin boys were baptized I asked them how many "children of record" were baptized this year?  Then afterwards we told them that they were part of that number.  They loved knowing that they were in the Ensign.  What were the top 3 topics that were talked about?  Can you find the poster of all the prophets and apostles?  Who is the Primary General President?  (this gets them looking for the other pictures for the rest of the general auxiliaries) Who spoke about baptism?  Turn to a talk that was not given by one of the First Presidency or the 12 Apostles.  Lots of different answers for this one.  Turn to the first page of the Priesthood session.  How old do you have to be to attend the Priesthood session of General Conference?  How many more Conferences do you have before you will be able to attend that one?  Find the story about __________  then turn to it?  (this taught them to look up their favorite stories in the story index).  They then had to draw a little picture next to the story so they could find it again if they were flipping through their magazine.  How many new temples were announces?  Who announced them?  Where are they?  How many of those are in the United States?  How many pictures of President Monson are there in this Ensign?  It was not a competition.  Everyone found the answers.  Everyone got the candy. Everyone had a blast!  Their Conference issues did not look brand new when they were done, but they knew where things were.  It became personal to them and they became "theirs".  Which is exactly what I think needs to be done with the words of the prophets.  It made them much more accessible to them on a level that they could understand.  The next time General Conference rolled around as soon as it was over my kids asked me if they were going to get to do the Gummy Bear Treasure Hunt again when they got their Conference Issues.  It was interesting to me that they said, "when" they got their Ensign, not "if".  They already knew that they were going to get another copy that wasn't the question.  I told them that they would have to wait until the Ensign came out and that would be 2-3 weeks away.  As that time started to draw closer they would rush home from school and check to see if the mail was here so they could get their Ensign.  You would have thought it was Christmas the day they found their Conference Issues in the mail.  :)  We have done this enough times that we have our kids come up with things for us to find now.  It's pretty interesting how tricky they try to make them.  

What other traditions do you have in your family?  Please post them in the comments so we can all get some new ideas.  

Class #4 Traditions

• When you get married...you come from a family with lots of traditions, and so does he.  You are trying to do all those traditions from both homes at the same time.  It doesn't work.
• In-laws have no right to set your traditions.  You need to love and respect your in-laws, but do your own thing.
• You both leave your homes and cleave to each other and create your own traditions.  Some of them you may want to carry on, but create some of your own.
• Traditions are the glue that holds your family together.
• Your family is not in competition with each other or any other families you know.
• When you try to compete with someone else you feel like you can't do it.
• look at where you are in your family right now and figure out how you can improve.
• From a radio program.  There was a guy by the name of Robinson that worked with troubled teenagers.  He asked teens that were in trouble and teens that weren't in trouble the same thing.  He asked them 'What does your family stand for?'  The teens that were in trouble couldn't find anything to tell you.  The other teens were able to identify some things that their family stands for.  We don't stand along in life we stand together. 
• Patch Adams said, "Perhaps we expect too much from holidays and not enough from everyday life."
• How many of us get depressed in January?  During the holiday months we are looking forward and anticipating every day until Christmas.  Then there is a huge let down when it's over.
• We have unread expectations in what we think a holiday should be.
• Don't put unreal expectations on holiday traditions.
• Relief Society is the best place to get ideas.  Ask lots of sisters what they do.  Write down their ideas.  You can hear amazing things from others.  Then pick and choose or change what they do and adapt it to your own needs/wants for a tradition in your family.
• Some traditions are planned....like what you do for General Conference.
• Some traditions just happen.  Example:  Sister Tanner's sister has 5 boys.  She decided that on the last day of school they would have a little fun.  So she bought cans of whipped cream and they had a whipped cream fight one year.  The next year as school was just about over the boys were asking if they were going to have another whipped cream fight again like they always do on the last day of school and could some of their friends come.  They now have it in the park and it's huge.  Lots of people show up.
• Traditions are the cement that bind families together that make you bonded.

Daily Rituals are traditions:

• Whenever her kids walked into the house she was playing the "oldies".  Now whenever you walk into their houses they are playing the "oldies".
• What was the sound in your house?
• What was the smell in your house?  Sister Tanner's kids remember homemade bread smell.  She made 4 loaves of bread every day to fill up her hungry kids.
• What do you do for dinner?  Do you eat together?
• How do you meet and greet each other at the coming and going?  Are you there.  You need to be there when they arrive and when they leave your home.  Sister Tanner's family walks her out to the car to say good-bye when she leaves.  It makes her feel loved.
• What about entertainment?  TV, computer, trampoline, basketball.  What does your family do together?
• In Sister Tanner's family everyone had a friendly, happy, non-destructive, self-chosen nickname.
• Bedtime rituals are traditions.
• The walls in your home are traditions.  What are on them?  Sister Tanner had a long hallway.  One one side was their "Hall of Fame".  At one time it had 59 pictures on it.  It was a hodge podge of frames.  They had pictures of the kids in football, choir, formal pictures, family pictures, camping pictures, etc.  The other side of the wall she had their baby pictures.  When they graduated she changed them out for their graduation pictures and then later for their wedding pictures.
• She had their missionary plaques on the walls.
• She had an Eagle Scout plaque on the wall...it had their picture, their award and their name.  She left empty space.  She never had to push her kids because they wanted to have their picture up on the wall with their name.  Now her grandkids are asking if they get to be on the Eagle Scout plaque too.  They want to be just like their uncles and don't want to be left out.
• These become traditions of what your family stands for.
• Other traditions should be...that you work together, having family prayer, having family scripture study.
• Make it a tradition to have a picture of the temple in their bedrooms.
• Make it a tradition for Mom to SMILE.  We go around with straight faces.  You need to tell your face you are happy.
• You may see yourself as a happy person, but then what you say (negative things) show something different.
• How do others perceive you?
• What would it be like to have yourself as a mother? 
• You can change.  It takes time and work, but you can do it.

Holiday Traditions:

• View it as an opportunity to have 'fun' with your kids
• Everything doesn't have to have a purpose other than fun and happiness.

Birthdays:

The following are some ideas of things that can be done for birthdays....

• Red plate...put at their place for dinner.
• Chair back cover with pocket---sew like a pillow case (measure your chair first) add a pocket.  Mom puts it on the chair the night before.  Sometime during the day everyone puts a "love note" for the birthday person in the pocket.  When they open presents that night they read their "love notes"
• Pillowcase---birthday party fabric.  They get the pillowcase on their pillow for the whole week before their birthday.
• Tablecloth & Clown Center piece or "Party" center piece---put table cloth on table (fabric from JoAnns) add the Clown Center piece and you are ready to go.  The next morning they wake up to a "party"
• "Party at Grandma's" cloth banner.  It ties on the blinds for a sliding glass door.
• Birthday wreath goes on the door.  It is a straw wreath, use balloons without blowing them up and pieces of curly ribbon.  Use the floral staples to attach to wreath. Hang on front door for the day.
• They get to choose their own breakfast, their own activity, and their own dinner.
• No friend parties....It changes the focus to one of greed and from family to friends.  Be careful of the message you are sending to your children.
• Before they open the gift from that person they have to say something nice about the person giving the gift.  It again changes the focus from in to out.
• Tell them their "birthday" story.
• Birthday question & answer sheet...."my favorite color, song, food, teacher, etc)
• Husband buys flowers and gives to mom on child's birthday.  
• Wife buys mother or mother-in-law flowers to thank them for their spouses "birth"day

Valentine's Day

These are examples of some traditions for Valentine's Day.  Use it as a day to pull the family together

• The Monday before Valentine's day draw someones name and make a secret "love" poster.  Mom needs to have on hand lots of art supplies and paper.
• Draw names for "secret pal" of the week
• Write love letters to each of your children
• Make a heart pocket that hangs on their beds and every night for a week put a little thing in the pocket....note, candy kiss.
• Formal Valentine dinner as a family....candles, treat cups, fancy glasses & dishes, etc
• Valentine mail boxes for each child

Halloween

These are examples of some traditions for Halloween.

• Family Halloween party
• Trunk-or-treat
• Make treats and take them to the fire station and deliver them.
• Give each child $5 and take them to the dollar store to buy decorations for decorating their room.  Then have a tour of the bedrooms.
• Camp lantern in the middle of the floor, turn out the lights and sit around it telling 'a little scary stories'.  
• Halloween pillow cases on bed starting October 1st.  The night of Halloween they take them off and use them as their trick-or-treat bag.  When they are finished they come home get a ziploc sandwich bag pick out what will fit.  They leave the rest in their pillow cases on the porch for the Halloween witch.  She comes when they are in bed and leaves them a book and takes the candy.  You can then use the candy to stuff stockings at Christmas time.

Christmas Traditions:

These are some tradition ideas that can be done at Christmas time.

• "Forever Christmas Eve" wooden sign up all year in Sister Tanner's sewing room.
• She carries a notebook in her purse that have her kids and grandkids with their ages and sizes for next Christmas.  When she purchases something she writes down what it is and where she hid it.
• Christmas pillow cases
• Cutting your own Christmas tree
• Giving Christmas away to another family.
• Christmas Eve program---In 1995 in the middle of their Christmas Eve program some seminary kids came caroling.  Afterwards her son said that he was so grateful to be part of their family because the other kids were out caroling because their families didn't do anything for Christmas Eve.
• Kids line up Christmas Morning youngest to oldest to go out and open gifts.
• Christmas book (picture)---They drew names for each other.  Sometimes they made gifts for each other sometimes they bought them.  They also wrote a letter to them.  Christmas Eve right before bed they would sit around the tree and read the letters outloud.  Kept a binder of the letters to re-read later.

• Mr. Peeps....Elf that comes to your home on Thanksgiving night to keep a lookout for Santa on what the kids are doing right.  There is a poem that goes with it.   You move the elf every night.  The kids can't touch him or he loses his magic.  Christmas Eve he sits in the tree and Santa takes him home until the next Thanksgiving night.  You can use any elf you want.  Here is one website, but it looks like the pattern might be sold out.  You can do a search online and see if you can find the poem that goes with him as well.

• Thank you letters---you can play and use everything you get on Christmas Day, however on December 26th you can only play and use what you have written letters for.  You can't use any of the Santa gifts until you have all your thank you notes written.
• Someone asked...How do you introduce that if that has never been the case ever before?  Sister Tanner suggested..."Guess what we are going to do this year?"  Then focus on what they can do and what they are going to do.  It's all in your approach.  Be firm.  Sister Tanner wrote a master list of gifts as the kids opened them and posted it on the fridge.  They checked off the gifts as they wrote their notes.  
• Polar Express Christmas Eve...They met at one house and read the story of the Polar Express then each child was given a ticket to ride the Polar Express which was a Suburban with all the seats removed.  They rode in the back.  They drove around and the rest of the people followed in their cars.  They went to another house where they had the rooms sheeted off.  In one room they passed out parts of the Nativity story and read it.  That was the "spiritual" room.  In the "family" room they played games like pass the gingerbread man.  In the kitchen they had a caldron of hot chocolate and sugar cookies.  Then everyone opened their Christmas pajamas and watched the cartoon Grinch then went to their own homes.

You have to respect the family that you are creating.  You need to invite family and in-laws to join you in your traditions, but don't allow them to take over.  Be firm in love.  Set boundaries that include them, but don't let them dominate.  

Set tradition of family roots.  Tell them about their heritage, what it was like when you were growing up, genealogy sheets, family histories.  

Set a tradition of playing together....biking, backpacking, something you do together as a family.

As you put the mortar of traditions between the bricks your family will be eternal families not just mortal families.

Please share what traditions your family has or does in the comments so we can all get some more ideas.