Class #6 Competition vs. Cooperation

If you will use "Praise vs. Encouragement" and "Competition vs. Cooperation" together you will reduce the amount of discipline you need in your home.


When your children argue & fight you jump in the middle and fight too.  It just increases the contention.  We set our children up to fight.  


Competition causes contention.


Example:  There were 3 youth present and some adults.  There were 2 boys(brothers) & 1 girl.  None of them were at a dating age yet.  The girl had just recently lost a bunch of weight and did a make-over.  The adult person said, "Now, if you could date which one of these boys would you choose...Spencer the athletic football player, or Carson the musical one?"  All 3 felt awful.  She didn't want to say and they didn't want to know.  The adult was just trying to be funny, but it put everyone in a lose/lose situation.


Example:  The Dad loves athletics.  He has 2 sons.  One is involved in sports and one is involved in choir.  The dad says he likes to attend both, but what their actions show is that sports is more important.  When there is a choir performance coming up the Dad doesn't cheer and get all excited about it, but when the sports play offs are coming up that's all that they can talk about. 


What they hear is their truth.  don't put them in competition with each other over their interests.


Children come to earth very self focused.  There is nothing wrong with that.  We have to be taught to get out of that.  It becomes bad if they are not taught to think out.


You can only change yourself.  You have no control over anyone else. 


All of us know someone who is better than ___________, and that person knows it too.  They are cocky.  


You can use good "bad" examples.  If your friend has a child come over and they walk to your fridge and get in it without asking permission after they leave you can say, "When you go to someone else's house you don't get in someone else's fridge."  You focus on the behavior not the person.  They already know who did it.


We want life to be "fair".


The universal sin = pride.


This comes in 2 forms.  "I am better than you." (top looking down) or "You think you are better than me." (bottom looking up)


We have to learn how to control our feelings.


There are 3 levels that we deal with pride. Our biggest responsibility is in these 3 relationships...

1. As a Mother.
• Do you feel you are right, because you are Mom?
• When you walk into your child's room do you say, "You can't have those pictures on the wall because it doesn't look right."
• OR "your bed is made wrong."
• OR "You must clean your room before you go to school."  The principle is that they have to have a clean room, but the when there is lots of space for that.  They can clean it after school.
• We feel like it has to be done on my time frame when I like it.
2. As a Spouse
• Do you have to be right just because your are right?
• Do you put being right first or the relationship with the person?
3. As a Family Member in the Family you grew up in.
• Do we always compare and say what is right and what is fair?
• Why do they get more than we do?
• Example:  Sister Tanner has an older sister.  She is 18 months older.  She was always Dad's favorite.  She was a preemie.  She had pneumonia.  Dad spent a lot of time with her and they had a connection.  She felt like the only interaction she had with her Dad was when he told her what she was doing wrong.  
• Sometimes those feelings stay even after we leave home.  Then you act like you have to better than they are to be good enough.  You are always trying to prove you are better than another family member by what you or your kids do.

Pride:

• We need to closely read and almost memorize this talk
• Read it quarterly at least
• Pride was the cause of the fall of the Nephite nation.
• Emma Smith & Oliver Cowdery were both warned about pride.
• Pride is damning (meaning stopping) progression.
• To take our children out of pride we have to take them out of competition.
• We don't always see it in ourselves, but we can see it in others.
• It is a universal sin, but not well understood.  
• We have to get it out of ourselves first.  

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us."  President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• If you are in opposition to, anger, self pity/defeat, you are in pride.  If you can't feel harmony you are in pride.
• Harmony doesn't mean you agree.  You can agree to disagree.  
• The relationship is more peaceful.  
• I am so anxious to change you that I'm willing to give up the relationship to be right.
• You are more concerned about the other person than am I getting my own way.
• My way of thinking vs. your way of thinking....that is competition.

"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled." President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• Example:  Mike's sibling's played football together.  Mike's team won.  He made a play against one of the other brothers.  After it was long over the other brother walked up to Mike while they were just sitting there and punched Mike in the mouth.  He knocked a tooth loose and they had to go to the ER.  This was because his brother was "right".  Competition.

"Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s." President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

Labels God gives pride.....

• rebellion
• hard-heartedness
• stiff-neckedness
• unrepentant
• puffed up
• easily offended
• sign seekers

• If you ask in prayer with an open heart and with real intent you will be shown where your pride is.
• We pit ourselves against others.

"In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)"  President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.  They you have cooperation in your home. 
• Our motives for what we do it where the sin is manifest.  It's in our thoughts.  It's why we do what we do.

How do we get rid of pride?  The antidote is humility.  You have to know what pride it before you can figure out how to get rid of it.

What is pride? (Identified from talk) President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 

• fault finding
• gossiping
• backbiting
• murmuring
• living beyond our means
• envying
• coveting
• withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another
• being unforgiving
• jealous
• selfishness--how does everything affect me
• self-conceit
• self-pity
• worldy self-fulfillment
• self-gratification
• self-seeking
• contention
• arguments
• fights
• unrighteous dominion
• generation gaps
• divorces
• spouse abuse
• riots
• disturbances
• disobedient (power struggle with pride)
• When we say, "Why am I the only one that takes care of the dog?  Why am I the only one that does the dishes?  Why am I the only one that feeds the kids?"  How does this affect me?
• When you become the center of your thoughts that is pride.
• hold grudges
• false self esteem
• Our kids only feel valuable as the world strokes them.  That is why you have to get our of praise and allow them to feel their value from inside.
• When we are constantly trying to be better than someone else we feel like "If you succeed I fail."  However "If we try, we succeed".  It's in the effort....not in the prduct.

"The Tongue Can Be A Sharp Sword" by Marvin J. Ashton  April 1992 Ensign

• Need to have a FHE lesson on this
• No bashing each other
• Lose respect for anyone because we make fun of them
• We need to respect the office/position even if we don't respect the individual person.  (Example: Saying Mr. Obama instead of President Obama)
• Pride will destroy.
• We need to take it out of ourselves and our homes.  Those are our areas of stewardship.

Humility:

• To be humble is not the submissive mouse that says everyone is better than me.
• Humility was exemplified in the Savior.  He didn't grovel to anyone.  He stood up for what was right.
• Tanner 1:1  Humility is seen as you are grateful and live your life out.
• This creates humility which gets rid of pride.

Tools to Create Humility:

1. Gratitude
• Teach your children to be grateful.  This must be taught.
2. Create win-win situations
• "Quick who can get dressed first" (someone wins/someone loses)
• "Who can get their jobs done first" (someone wins/someone loses)
• This is motivating for someone who understands quick, but not for those that don't
• Example:  In Primary class there is one student who always knows all the articles of faith and one who never will.  Need to say, "We'll all say the article of faith together." instead of "Who can say Article of Faith #4?"  Instead of "Who can find this scripture first" it needs to be "When everyone has this scripture we will read it."  (win/win situation)
• Example:  When family goes bowling say, "If the family gets a combined score of 300 we all get to go for ice cream." (win/win)
• Example: "When everyone is dressed for bed we can read a story and have family prayer." (win/win)
• There can't be a winner and a loser
3. Use the language of love
• please, thank you
• respect
• no name calling
• no cruelty, not even jokingly
• "We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves; we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves."  "Pride and the Priesthood" by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf  October 2010
4. Prayer
• When you kneel for family prayer talk about what is going on in everyone's lives.  Include Mom & Dad.
• Look for needs in the family.
• In the morning pray for those needs.
• At night have them return and report.  Then give thanks in prayer.
5. Serve Each Other
• If they someone in the family is struggling you can ask, "How can I help?"
• Look for ways that they can help.  Can you do the dishes for your brother so he can work on his poster?
• We (as women) have a wonderful time serving, but a horrible time receiving service.
• We don't allow other to help us or our children to help each other.
• Humility is better taught in the poor and receiving than in the rich and giving.
• When someone brings you in a dinner, make sure that you voice your gratitude for their service to your children.  Have your children help write the thank you notes for their service.
6. Use PPI (Person Priesthood/Progress Interviews)
• This doesn't have to be by the priesthood only.  It can be with Mom
• Teach them to set goals and steps to reach their goals.
• It teaches them that they are only in competition with themselves.
• This is preparing them for life.
• If they come back the next week and say, "I don't really want to do that goal." What do you do?  You say, that's ok.  What would you like to work on instead?  They can change their minds just like we do.
• Set goals that are small enough to be attainable.
• If they say, "I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up."  You can say "Great!  What are you going to do this week to work towards that?  Get an "A" on your spelling test?  Work on your handwriting?"  Then the next week they come back and say, "I don't want to be a doctor I want to be an astronaut."  You say, "Great! Should we get a book about the stars to learn more about them?"
• Video games even though they progress to different levels will not give them self confidence.
• These PPI's should be at least 1x/month--more formal
• Then everyday is a regular follow up
• A PPI can simply be a chat with just Mom & Dad about where they are.  It should be fun...food? candy?  It gives you the opportunity to ask where they are in their lives.
• Dad's should "preside" and do this once a month, but you can't make them do it.  You can encourage them to.  
• Can you ask for feedback from the child on how you are doing as a parent?  Only if you are brave.  :)  It's a good idea, but be careful that you don't open it up to bashing parents.  Say something like, "Is there something I could do better as a parent to help you?"
• These can start as young as age 2.  You call them into the family room, hold them on your lap, love them, hug them, talk to them, and then send them on their way after 5 minutes.  It's the 'good' feeling they get that makes them want to come back for more.  They will start asking for PPI's.  This is setting the scene for future contact.
• We need to raise the bar for our kids and encourage them to do a little more.  Read them the story from L. Tom Perry about pole vaulting.   "Raising the Bar" 
• If you use encouragement well you will pull them out of competition.  Then they will serve better.

Not fighting doesn't mean you agree it means you agree not to fight.  We have to agree to not contend.  We have to change our feelings first. 

Getting over pride is part of mortality.

Reader's Digest, November 1961 story..... Della Reese when she was 13 years old Mahalia Jackson (Queen of Gospel) came and heard her sing in her choir.  She asked her mother is she could tour with her.  Parents hesitated because she was so young.  She sang her songs and sang higher than Mahalia Jackson.  One day she stood up to sing and while they were still applauding she decided to sing another song because she didn't have any other part.  When she sat down Mahalia Jackson while still sitting started singing "Precious Lord take my Hand."  When she was done there was a thunderous applause.  She realized later that the difference between her singing and Mahalia's was that Della was showing off and Mahalia was worshipping God.  Later when they were singing at another place Della sang a high note and someone from the back sang one higher.  Della sang a higher one and someone else sang even higher until she outsang Della.  Della was furious.  Afterwards she found the young girl in the back with Mahalia and Mahalia was asking her if she wanted to tour with them.  Della was mad and stormed off.  Mahalia found her and said, "There you are Della Reese. Isn't it great the talent you find in places?"  Della didn't think so.  Mahalia said...."It's not about how high you sing.  It's about feeling the presence of God.  You are not in competition, you are in God's service.  Be glad he called you, but get over your miss-wonderful thing and just be who you are.  You are not the only one called. Now come and meet this child." 

HOMEWORK:

• Read and study this talk by President Ezra T. Benson on "Beware of Pride"  April 1989 General Conference.
• Think about the pride in yourself and your children.
• Read and study this talk by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf on "Pride and the Priesthood" by President Deiter F. Uchtdorf  October 2010
• Read and study this talk by Marvin J. Ashton "The Tongue Can Be A Sharp Sword" by April 1992 Ensign
• Work to take competition out of yourself and out of your home.