Class #5 Praise vs. Encouragement

Sister Tanner's granddaughter and another class member's daughter were in the Distinguished Young Woman program.  Mallory & Aubrey did a great job.  Mallory didn't make it to the top 10.  When it was over she was just so excited to have been involved in the program.  There was no remorse or bad feelings that she didn't win.  She was just glad that she could participate.  


What happens to you or your children in defeat?  How do you react to the situation? What do we do to create children that are always winners regardless of circumstances?


Mallory was looking at all the good things that happened that she was able to experience and none of the negative things.  


Do you look at failure as a blessing?  Do you look at trials as a blessing?  Do you look at your health as a blessing?  Do you look at disobedient children as a bless?


Winning wasn't the ultimate goal for Mallory & Aubrey. Participation was.  There was another girl on stage that was physically very awkward.  She knew she didn't have a chance to win.  When she compared herself to the top notch she didn't match up.  She decided she was going to have a good time.  Her attitude was it's going to be fun.  However, every time she came on stage she was putting on a show.  She needed outside people to make her feel good.  Mallory & Aubrey's validation came from the inside.


As we parent what do we want that goal to be?  We want the validation coming from the inside out.


As parents we unconsciously create a feeling of value from outside strokes.  


How do you think Heavenly Father feels about you?  If you died in a car accident on the way home, do you think you would go to the Celestial Kingdom?  Most of us think we are doing pretty good, but you still need some time to be better because you wouldn't make it to the Celestial Kingdom.  Our feeling is because Heavenly Father doesn't come down and say, "Great Primary Lesson", "Good Parenting", "Good wife/husband" we don't think we are good enough.  Because we don't get that instantly we doubt our value.  We think that it doesn't matter what I do it's never good enough.  We self-criticize.  


What happens when you walk into your child's bedroom that they were supposed to clean and it wasn't done well?  Do you say, "You missed a few things?"  "This isn't clean.  You know how to clean your room."  That child is dependent on your praise for  their value.  


Mallory & Aubrey could have looked back and said, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda," but they didn't.  They knew they were good.  How do we get our kids to be there?


When our children are dependent on someone from the outside to validate them so they feel like they are of value they become susceptible to the praise from their pees and when they are on their own they will follow the crowd. 


The principle comes from the talk by Elder Robins from the first class, Lynn Robbins (April 2011 General Conference).  "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"   When he talks about the "to do" and the "to be".  


“Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” (Elder Lynn G. Robbins May 2011 Ensign) "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be"  


We give them that identity that they are failing by what we say.  We need to know how what we say affects them.  How are they taking it?  We judge ourselves by our intentions.  Intentions & actions are not always in harmony.


In this class 'praise' is a negative and 'encouragement' is a positive.
Praise (negative) is...It's saying positives in a negative way
Encouragement (positive) is...Empowering them to do and be good.


Emotional Bank Accounts:
Emotional bank account is just like a regular bank account.  You make deposits and withdrawals.  In a regular bank account...you deposit $1 you can withdraw $1.  In an emotional bank account you have to deposit 10 to withdraw 1.  Withdrawals are lectures or strong discipline.  Any action that THEY perceive as negative, even if you didn't mean it that way.  Many of us have our children's bank accounts our of balance.  They feel you love them, but your love is conditional on them being good.


When they do a task well the child determines a goodness and badness by how many positives you say to them.


Why to children tattle?  So they can be told they are good and someone else is bad.  This type of reward is based on competition.  When you praise a child for getting "A's" on their report card the "C" student hears "I'm bad".  Praise motivates with external rewards.  


It's like having a bucket with a hole in the bottom.  You can pour in water and it goes right out the bottom.  They are constantly seeking your approval.  When you have a 'pleaser' child you give them lots of praise.  You think you are helping the, but you may be handicapping them.  They feel like a failure if they don't hear how 'good' they are.  Praise is frequently partnered with guilt.  When we can't validate ourselves from the inside out we feel like failures.


Example:  She went up to someone in the class and said, "You are the most beautiful woman in the class".  Immediately the feeling was that she was embarrassed, but covered it up well with humor.  Usually the 1st thing that goes through your mind is "No, I'm not."  It also make everyone else feel like 'if she is the most beautiful, then I am not.'  She is the winner and I'm the failure.  We start rationalizing all the reasons they are wrong.  


When a child comes down looking good they think they are of value.  The world is teaching them this.  It leads to discouragement, I can't, depression, and I good enough now, and always needing a reward system.


HOMEWORK: 

1. Validate your children 10:1 (10 positives to 1 negative)
2. Notice how you are saying positives.  Stop in the moment and rephrase it.  Your children will look at you like you are crazy, but you have to change it in the moment.
3.  Spend time with each child one on one this week.

Encouragement...

• Recognizes effort of improvement however slight.
• Focuses on strengths.
• Not interested in how the child compares with others (even other siblings)
• Aimed at helping the child feel worthy (not best or better)
• Motivates internally
• Can be given when a child is down and not doing well or facing failure.
• If a child has a "D" you can say "It looks to me like you are working hard and you have brought that up from an "F".  What if a "D" doesn't show they are working hard?  You can ask them..."How do you feel about this?"  Do you think you can do better?"  You let them create the program and don't just lay down the law for them.
• Use the problem to help them improve.  Be sure your expectations are real.  "How do you feel about that?"  "Did you work hard?"  "Did you do your best?"  They need to focus on effort.  "Do you think you can do better?"  "What can you do better?"  "How can I help you?"  Pray for the ability to ask good questions.
• Encouraging words can be come discouraging if your motivated by the adults desire to establish good behavior permanently.  
• EXAMPLE:  "It looks like you worked hard on that"...but then you add "it's about time."  or "Why don't you do this all the time?"  or "see what you can do when you try."
• When you add the ping or the jab at the end you turn encouragement into praise.  
• EXAMPLE:  "I love you.....BUT I wish you wouldn't criticize".  
• The jab disqualifies any positive you have said.

Praise...

• Is product oriented.  

"To be" is encouragement.

"To do" is praise.

Examples of Praise vs. Encouragement....

PRAISE: What a good girl you are for helping at the store.

ENCOURAGEMENT: I appreciated your help at the store.

PRAISE: What a good boy you are for cleaning the living room.

ENCOURAGEMENT: Thank you for cleaning the living room.  It looks nice.

PRAISE: I am so proud of the way you played together.

ENCOURAGEMENT: You all played together so nicely.

PRAISE: I felt so proud seeing your project at the science fair. (This says you are good if your project is good.)

ENCOURAGEMENT: You worked hard on your science project.  (This says you are good all the time & you did a good project)

PRAISE---You can't control the outcome.  We limit ourselves in how we lift them.

ENCOURAGEMENT---is effort.  It is something you can control.

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Thank you for doing the dishes you are very obedient.

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Thank you for being kind to each other.

Remember you can encourage your children in positive OR negative behavior.

PRAISE:  Aren't you wonderful to be mommy's helper with the dishes.  (They become dependent on someone saying they are good)

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Thank you for helping with the dishes.

If a child asks, "Am I being good Mom?"  you can respond, "What do you think?".  

It's ok to use the word 'proud' if it focuses on the effort not the value of the person.    You can say, "I'm proud of the effort you spent learning such a difficult song."  Instead of "I am proud of you for learning this song."

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Why don't you try again.  I'm sure you can do it.

ENCOURAGEMENT:  It seems you are having difficulty.  Can we discuss it?

ENCOURAGEMENT:  Have you learned anything to help you next time?

There are 4 ways to give Encouragement

1. Learn the Language of Encouragement
• Look for the positive 1st
• Tell them what you want them to do not what you don't want them to do. 
• Stop looking for things we need to correct
• Look for things they are doing right and comment on those.
• Instead of "Don't jump on the bed" say "Jump on the trampoline" or "Feet belong on the floor". 
• Stop being irritated by everything they do.
• Every misbehavior doesn't need a consequence.  If they didn't do the dishes right then they just need to do them again.
2. Learn your Child's Love Language
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch
• There are some "online" assessment to figure out what your love language is or the love language of your child.  You can find them here.
• If they don't fee like you can love them they won't feel like Heavenly Father can love them either.
3. Individual Talk Time with children
• You can't create a relationship in the "mass".  You need one-on-one time.
• Ask questions & listen for the answers
• This opens their hearts and they feel safe to share. 
• This is the only time you will know if they are getting it and feeling loved.
• It's a time for you to evaluate yourself without guilt.
• That knowledge is a sacred gift from Heavenly Father to allow you to change and to be effective with that child.
• Everything that is good comes thru the Holy Ghost.
4. Help children set goals & achieve them.
• Achievement Days/Cub Scouts
• Faith in God
• Duty to God/Personal Progress
• The critical phrase is "return & report". 
• Help them set goals not dreams.  Goals have a plan of action.  They can take a dream and make a plan to get to that dream.
• They need to know how to plan their lives.

The road to exaltation is full of bumps.  We will go through rocky ridges and frozen rivers, but our lives will be full of 17 miracles.

"Carleen's Dance"  Poem written by Carleen Tanner's Sister.  When she is ready to share this poem and sends it to me I will post it on here.