Competition vs. Cooperation--Class #4 (Fall 2012)

I can’t stand the fighting and bickering in our home.   It doesn’t mean you have a bad home.  You are still living in mortality.  Satan is real. 

This started in the preexistence then Cain & Able. 

Do you think in an hour I can give you a solution?  I can’t give you the solution, but I can give you insight and help you understand it better so you can change practices. 

Story: King Arthur “What do Women Really Want?”

What a woman really wants to be in charge of her own life. 

Think about when you get ugly.  It’s because you aren’t getting your own way.  The kids aren’t doing their jobs, you are maid service, you are taxi service, why did I have you kids, why doesn’t my husband take out the garbage.  You husband gets ugly when you are nagging him.  Kids get ugly when they don’t get their own way. 

Getting your own way seems to be a trigger to being ugly.  This is when you are focused with all your arrows in.  You are only focused on you and why they aren’t meeting your needs.  It’s an inward focus.  When you are happiest it is an outward focus.  When you are focused out serving others you are happy!  It is a by-product of serving other people.

Our children don’t understand that.

HOMEWORK:

**Get ready for Conference and do it

**Read Elder Holland talk “The Laborers in the Vineyard” (April 2012 conference) Hired workers at the first part of the day and in the middle of the day, then 1 hour before quitting time.  When he paid them they all got paid the same thing.  How many of you read this parable in the scriptures and felt like there was a little bit of injustice?  We think this isn’t “fair”.  That feeling is universal.  It is part of pride.  It is pride that caused the Nephite nation to fall.  

**Read President  Ezra T. Benson “Beware of Pride” May 1989 Ensign (Conference)

     This talks about the attributes of pride.  Part of his talk says we see it in other people, but not in ourselves.  The very fact we are saying it says we have a problem.  You should read this talk quarterly!  It needs to be a FHE lesson.  You need easy access to it. 

The part of pride we tend to have is jealousy.  If we look at each other we say I’m not jealous.  However, go back to the parable of the talents.  When you feel like it isn’t fair, they got something you deserved more and they got it, that is jealousy.  

Comparison creates contention!  It creates contention because of jealousy.  I just can’t do it as well as them.  That is the creation of jealousy.  I don’t want to be like them.  Are you willing to serve even if you are not like them. 

In Greek…The same root word is used for the word iniquity (sin) and inequality.  Inequality creates sin.  

When were the times of peace in the Book of Mormon?  When there were no “-ites”. 

If we want to take that feeling out of our home is take out competition.  Competition is the source of contention.

Elder Holland

 “We are not in a race against each other.”

Our children live in a world of competition.  Even if your home was the safest place in the world as soon as they go anywhere it is a world of competition.  You have your little guy in soccer.  Is there someone who is better on the team?  Why do you put little kids that are 4 or 5 in sports?  So they can be “good”.  Kids shouldn’t be in sports until they are about 8 because they need to build their self-esteem at home.  They get crushed. The kids at school are cruel. 

Think about your children, how do they view someone else’s success?  Are your kids happy for them?  

When you correct them, instead of understanding that they need to do something differently they feel like you attacked them as a person.  So they feel defeated.  I never to anything right.  If they don’t say it, they feel it.  

Whatever they feel is their reality.  As a parent you have to deal with what their reality is.  That reality is different for every child.  There is birth order stuff, girl/boy stuff.    
   

“ Envy is a mistake that just keeps on giving.  Obviously we suffer a little when misfortune befalls us.  Envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know.  Downing a gallon of pickle juice. “

Her kids were good.  They earned the right.  They got a lot of flack.  She quit talking about her kids because it caused jealousy.

Lessons for you to internalize and then teach your children….

1   1.    Coveting, pouting, or tearing others down does not elevate your standing or does demeaning someone else improve your self image.

How do kids do this?  Tattling!  They want to get someone else in trouble.  They are not tattling out of a pure heart.  Mom I need you to recognize he is a bad person and I need you to fight your battle for me.  Tommy took my truck.  That child ‘won’.  They are smug.  You go to Tommy.  Did you take that truck away?  No.  Are you telling the truth?  Yes.  Tommy you need to go back into your room because they took the truck, lied, and had rotten attitude.  He’s in his room.  Is he feeling remorse?  No.  He is mad at you because you aren’t fair.  You don’t know what really happened.  That’s not fair.  He also feels like you love Suzy more than him.  

When you come to the rescue and take sides you increase their feelings of inferiority and importance.  

VIDEO:  You see Ashley teasing the boys.  5 boys then Ashley is the youngest.  Cory and Scotty just tease her.  She sits on the couch and Cory takes her feet and pulls her off the couch and lands hard.  Mom…I’m going to go tell.  It’s all captured on video.  

Suzy/Ashley…has been aggravating them until they retaliate, but you only see the second act.  This child learns they can get this child in trouble and it works.  They feel like “I’m the good guy.”  “I’m the bad guy.”  

Do you see how the contention increases between the 2 of them?  Sometimes you don’t have to even be involved in it. 

The kids put themselves in competition.  You have a child that it naturally good on the piano and the second one passes them.  It creates competition.  

You have to teach them that because they can do something better doesn’t mean that you tearing others down.  

What are your negative thoughts and feelings?  Some of us need clickers.  We think in the negative.  She started counting positive thoughts  You have to create them so you have some numbers at the end of the day.  

As you start thinking in that positive you pull yourself out of competition.  Your thoughts start focusing out.  

    “The sorrowful mistake that if they forego their wages because they are preoccupied by injustice at the end of the day.”

Forget it. One thinks he’s earned it and the other one hasn’t.  They lose the prize that could have been their because of jealousy. 

      “It’s really not about labor and wages.  It’s about the Lord’s goodness and mercy.”

We get that way with our husbands.  That child has been rotten all day.  The husband goes and loves them. 

Can we celebrate each other?

Member Shared:  Relief Society Meeting…you have to teach your kids that life’s unfair.  I try to teach them that they each have their moments.  This might not be their moment, but your moment will come.  Remember you had your birthday last month.  

Do you have ideas on practices? YES

Goal:  Cooperation!  Take your children out of competition.  To make no “-ites”.  We are not making them the same!!!   Don’t make them all foot ball players or all piano players.  We want them to feel value in our differences.  We walk in a horizontal line not vertical where someone is better than someone else. 

• 1.     You need to radiate joy!  You need to be happy.  Your children are so sensitive.  If you say “hi how was your day?”  You get discouraged.   Your child perceives that as you like him more than me, by the way you great them.  They need to be able to look at your and say I know you like being a Mom.  Your children need to hear you say positive things about siblings and them and they need to learn it’s all ok.  Their first reaction is “what about me?”  You may never validate child #2.  Don’t allow them to have power over you to take away from the positive of another child.  You take this one and pull them into the conversation.  Teach them to validate the other one.  Which part is your favorite part?  When you are through talking about this one, then you can turn and say Let’s see yours.  Don’t do it at the same time.  Teach them to build up others at the same time.

a.     They don’t have to be perfect. 

b.    Effort counts. 

c.    Teach them to be joyful and cheer for one another. 

d.    Be careful what they hear you say on the phone.  “Mom, do you know what she did today?” They are listening to you and they are feeling everyone else is better than them.  They need to hear you say something positive about themselves.

e.    Help them learn to take turns. 

f.     You have to teach them.  Don’t just let them fight it out.  This is the training field. 

• 2.    How you discipline your children can put them in competition.

a.    How you handle tattling makes one good and one bad.

b.    Example:  When they came to tattle.  I really want to hear what you have to say, but first you have to tell me 3 good things about that person.  They look at your like they are crazy.  You are trying to get them to think about the other person.  They can’t think of anything so they can’t tell you the tattling.  Then they think of crazy things…likes to color, cleans room.  You know what? It sounds like he is unhappy.  What do you think we can do to help him?”  That’s where they have to get used to you not fighting the battle for them.  Use good wisdom and not let them use you to be the bad guy.

c.    It teaches them to problem solve and work out differences later.

• 3.     Teach them how to support each other.

a.    We go to each other’s events.  We go to piano recitals.  We go to games.  We go to plays.  The whole family supports the family. 

b.    Kneel together in family prayer you discuss what is coming up for the day.  There’s a test, speech, football game, prior to prayer.  Then the voice for the prayer prays for the family members.  We learn to pray for one another.  They hear siblings praying for one another, not just Mom and Dad.

c.    Help your children try out different things.  Teach them to sew, cook, fun things.  Try out new adventures to find out what they are good at.

• 4.    Teach them to serve one another.

a.    It’s not fun so I don’t want to do it.  That’s how they feel.

b.    Toss the football and shoot hoops with them.

c.    Mallory…Senior Project….Elementary kids had talent show.  Carson just helped her at the rehearsals.  Just went and helped.  That is serving.

d.    Mallory would have princess parties for her little sisters. Do their nails and hair.  Had sleep overs in Mallory’s room.  It was on her own. 

e.    When you teach them they will begin to do it by themselves.

• 5.    Create win/win situations.

a.    Let’s see who can get dressed first?  You create a winner and a loser.  Your blue child is always first.  Then you have your dawdle child.  It takes them forever.  What have you done. 

b.    You go bowling…If family score is over 100 we all get to go out for ice cream.

c.    No one should be a loser in their own home.  Be careful how you say things.

d.    You should say, when everyone has their jammies on then we have ice cream.  That’s the next step.

e.    Don’t say, “How come you didn’t clean that as well as your brother did?”

f.     Don’t throw siblings up as their role model.

g.    You need to tell each them stories that you remember about each of them.  Don’t leave anyone out.

• 6.    Eliminate (stop, don’t allow) name calling, bashing, sarcasm, put downs, no humor at the expense of someone else. That includes friends.

a.    All humor is put downs any more.  That’s all your kids know unless you teach them they can be funny, but not at the expense of others.

b.    How do you fix that?  If they do stop them and say what could you have said.  Practice doing it correctly for it to come inside.

• 7.     Focus on PPI’s

a.    Set own goals

b.    Offer your service to them.

c.    Make it a place where you bear testimony of your love for them and the gospel

3 Nephi 17---Savior is in the Americas.  He has been talking to them and getting ready to leave.  They are begging him with their eyes to stay.  He heals the sick.  Then bring children.  He didn’t stand in the middle of the children and talk to them.  He blessed the children one by one.  He had already spent the whole day teaching.  Then spent time healing.  As he called the children he blessed them one by one.  If you remember the fire came around and encircled them.  Angels came down and ministered to them.  We can’t take our children out of competition by treating them as a group.   They have to know individually they are loved.  They have to feel that from you and then they will feel Heavenly Father loves them.  They won’t feel worthy of your love.  If that’s how they feel they will always feel that Heavenly Father feels that way about them.  Even if it isn’t reality.  It is for them.  Our love grows.  There is room for all of them.  We must bless them and love them one by one.  

As you strive to remove competition and then pray the Lord will teach you how to do it in your own home.