Praise vs. Encouragement (Follow Up)

When you are guiding your children are you doing it in a negative or a positive.

Class Member Shared: While on her mission her mission president advised...every night pray and ask if your work was acceptable to God.

Why does that work?  It helps you feel like God loves you even if you aren’t 100%.  You feel like God loves you even though you could try harder. 

It’s like Bednar’s talk about the Pavillion.  I’m not going to hide.  Here I am. 

There are principles in this.  If you are going to return and report every day, what are you thinking about every day?  In the scheme of things every day is it primary or secondary to everything else.  The “why”  is more focused.  It allows you to focus on your successes.  What do you focus on during the day…your failures.  It’s you focusing on your failures that make you not feel close to Heavenly Father.  You can make mistakes.  You can do things not perfect.  If you are trying and headed in the right direction you are worthy.

We are raising a “ME” generation.  They are self focused.  The interesting thing about this generation they don’t feel adequate unless they get the praise.  Sometimes they seek praise for bad behavior…undue attention.  They want you engaged with them all the time.  Some children will be super goodie-two-shoes because they want you to keep telling them how wonderful you are.  They can’t get enough of the praise to make them feel good.  So we get frustrated because we feel like we are doing it all the time.  It’s because we aren’t doing it right.  The other thing is that as we pour out all this praise to them they still don’t have the incentive or the motivation to do hard things because they might fail. 

The #1 thing most people have said this class wasn’t about parenting it was about me changing me.  As you change you then you parent differently.  Most us you were raised with praise and guilt.  Guilt motivates when you are little, but it gives you baggage for live. 

Some of you get unhappy in your marriage and lonely, because they aren’t giving you enough strokes.  You were the center of attention while you were dating.  It’s our unreal expectation.  It’s what we feel like we need.  Your goal is to raise children who will be happy and not need that.

How do we change that in ourselves?  Is seeking validation different than seeking praise.  It depends on your need.

Class member shared:  My oldest is good about putting herself out there and try things.  She doesn’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work out.  Her 2^nd has a white personality and she doesn’t try new things.  I don’t know how to help #2 find whatever she is great at.  She could do all the things the first one does, but she doesn’t try.  Let them feel supported by the family, but they don’t put themselves out there. 

Usually you will have a high achiever and usually the next one will say “I’m not going to compete.”  If they are a white they will just withdraw.  I can validate her because she is doing so many good things.  Encouragement isn’t based on product it’s based on effort.  You can encourage spiritual gifts.  You will build a foundation that gives them enough faith for them to get out and try something.  In your PPI’s you can encourage them to set goals.  You have to work harder to encourage that child that never rocks the boat.  You have to pull them out and help them.

You want to build the environment at home so that they want to come home. 

Class member shared:  I lived in Boston for 6 years while her husband was doing school.  She went through a really dark time.  She had a mother who was fabulous, but praised.  She had 2 little kids and husband in school.  Had a huge support system and moved away from everything.  She had zero friends.  I was really introverted and depressed.  At Marshall’s picking out gloves…black or maroon, she sat there and tried to decide what she really liked.  It was just the Lord and her in pray enough.  She just felt angels with her.  It changed her validation.  She now wears what she wants.  She doesn’t need someone to tell her the craft she did was good.  She wrote about who is was and how she felt.  It was liberating.  I know where I’m going.  The Lord loved her for who she was.  The Lord will teach you who you are and your strengths. 

That’s what we want them to leave your home with.  We want them to know that Heavenly Father loves them and we love them.  They learn about Heavenly Father’s love as they translate our love for them.  If they feel that our love is condition (on behavior) then they feel that Heavenly Father’s love is conditional.  We have to feel comfortable that our opinion is ok. 

When our kids ask us we have to back off and teach them let it come from the inside out.  You may have a very strong opinion, but they need to have an opinion too.  We have to give up our control issues to allow them control themselves.  However, we don’t give up our parenting.  Allow them to discover who they are.  Our boys are going to go on missions at 18.  Are they ready?  Are you raising missionaries right now so they are ready?  Biggest problem right now is home sickness.  They are dependent on our hovering and praise.  We have to do better.  We are carrying our kids way too much.

Somewhere between you telling them everything they need to do and giving them praise and you feeling guilty about doing this and you have a black & white mentality.  Then you go to the other side and now say you get to make all your decisions.  That will allow you to grow up and become strong by yourself.  You need to be somewhere in the middle and actually parenting.  You are responsible for teaching parameters.  You still have to teach them parameters.  It’s not an all or nothing deal.  You have to parent.  That is what you are there for, to teach and train them.  You don’t do it by being a dictator or by allowing them to raise themselves.  Your role in the middle is to teach and train them.  Then you give them more and more freedom.  It should be very narrow as you start.  As they show they are responsible they get more privileges.  They should be wiser.

Sister Tanner’s AH HA Moment:  My life lately has been crazy.  That’s not an excuse.  It’s a reality.  In that craziness the thing that slipped was reading the Book of Mormon every day.  I felt myself go straight down.  My ability to be happy and have energy, focus and think through agendas diminished.  My tendency is to depression.  I have to work to keep myself mentally healthy.  Not having the temple open has hindered me.  I depend on that to lift me.  She is studying, but not reading the Book of Mormon.

 Tuesday did you experience the rain shower we had?  It came down really fast and heavy.  In sharing time last Sunday they had used an umbrella there.  It just came to her that reading the Book of Mormon every day is like having an umbrella.  We are in sin around us always.  Elder Cook’s talk in Conference was fabulous.  He talked about our poisonous environment.  If the innocent stuff is awful, walking down the street, on magazine covers, we live in a pornographic environment.  It’s like walking out in a rain storm.  You are not asking for it or seeking it.  It’s just there!  Reading the Book of Mormon every day is like putting up an umbrella and walking out into it.  You invite the spirit to protect you for the day.  When you don’t read it you walk out into the rain.   Even with an umbrella you get a little wet, but it doesn’t affect you the same.  You can keep yourself clean and energized.  You can keep yourself free of the depression. 

Be in the Book of Mormon every single day! It is one of the great protection of the latter days.  There is a reason.  Not just that we know what’s in there.  There is power in there reading it every day.  It’s also like the 10 Virgins.  I can’t give my power, joy, or happiness to someone else that hasn’t done it.  You can’t give your children your oil. 

Sister Tanner’s experience:  He was at the MTC and teaches and develops the program.  One of the instructors came up and they had been divided up into companionships and they were teaching each other.  As they were working together, the one was talking about the Savior and coming to the Americas and visited the Nephites  You can’t preach false doctrine.  The trainer came over and said have you read the Book of Mormon.  Everyone knows that Jesus was born in Jerusalem.  They had a discussion on the teachings on the Book of Mormon.  Your children need to read the Book of Mormon and know the truths that are there as well as the spirit.  We have youth out there that have not personally read the Book of Mormon.  They need to have read it and received that witness personally.