Boyd K. Packer "Do Not Fear" Ensign May 2004“True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than the study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior.
When you teach doctrine some of you lecture. They are guilty and they hear you teaching it
so they feel more guilty. If they are
feeling guilty about it does it come across as doctrine understood? No it comes across as lecture 99.
Those behavior books are good and you can get good
ideas, but it is not the gospel. You
have to sift out the good stuff and hook it up to doctrine and it becomes
powerful. There is truth out there in a
lot of places.
“I am so tired of you always being so
negative/pouty/unkind.” We want them to
change that behavior and set down a law to motivate them to change. It won’t change the behavior.
Sometimes it gets the child so discouraged that
they are so low that emotionally they can’t even change the unworthy
behavior. They will act out that self
belief.
Think about Elder Bednar’s talk in
Conference—Testimony and Conversion (difference between them) Parable of the 10 Virgins. If you have a testimony of service you will
go out and do it. If you have a testimony
of reading scriptures then you will do it.
Conversion is ongoing. It’s not a
final destination. You do it throughout
your whole life. You can have a
testimony of something, but it hasn’t changed you. Charity is a condition of
the heart. Conversion changes your heart
and the way you look at something. Then
you act and do. Conversion is the
doing.
We spend a lot of time teaching our children
testimony. You have seen people testify
of the belief of families, but then look at their family and the “conversion”
isn’t there. Their family doesn’t do
it.
I want you to think about how your children are
taught. School, home, primary..how are
they taught?
There were 12 young women in the institute
class. Topic was “Women in the
scriptures”. Everyone of them knew the
material. When she would ask them a
question concerning them, they didn’t answer.
They knew the answer. We wait
until someone calls on us. There is a
form of teaching we do is give them what we want them to know. Then I’m going to ask you questions about
it. What happens if you don’t give me
the right answer? You feel embarrassed
or ashamed, because you are too worried about what everyone thinks. At some point you gave a wrong answer and
were made fun of or you watched someone else made fun of you.
When you tell the story of Joseph Smith Jr. Mom
says, “Were you even listening?” or they
say, “I don’t know.” You say, “Yes you
do. I’ve told you the story 5 times.”
Their value is based on giving back the correct
answer. Because of this we teach our
children unconsciously that their value is based on rightness or correctness.
You do it unintentionally.
It starts by you “praising” children. We should give them positives, but is
important how it is done. Praise can be
discouraging. It can destroy a
child! Praise makes kids feel like they
are only of value if they are doing something well. When a child does something well we give them
praise and they feel like they are good.
If they do something and we don’t give them praise they feel like they
are bad. If another child does something
good and we give that other child praise then the other children feel that we
love the other one better than them.
Children can misinterpret their value as a person
depending on how much praise they get.
They then become dependent on receiving outside praise for their
worth.
Example of Praise:
“You are the most beautiful woman in this class.” Do you feel like the most beautiful woman in
this class? Your first response is “give
me a break”. I could really think that
she is the most beautiful person, but if she can’t take it in it’s of no value. Even worse we take it and react to it.
Example of Praise: “You have the cleanest house in
the world.” You would think of all the
things you haven’t done or that is wrong. The same thing happens to our
children.
Today praise is a negative. Encouragement is a positive.
If you died on the way home would you think you
would go to the Celestial Kingdom? “No.” Why?
That is sad. We have temple
recommend holding people that are here.
Celestial Kingdom is made up of worthy people trying to move
forward. How do you feel like there are
a lot of other people that are already there and you aren’t? The answer is last week “Competition &
Cooperation” and “Praise & Encouragement”
Example of Encouragement: “I really like that
necklace. It looks really good on
you.” She can take that one in.
There was no value in what she said the first time
because she doesn’t trust what you say.
Praise creates competition. You are the best, most wonderful (you have a
winner and a loser). Competition creates
contention. Contention creates win/lose
and value judgments on self.
Praise is defeating.
As a parent we need to make everyone of our
children feel like they are the favorite.
Heavenly Father loves all of us, but he doesn’t
bless us equally. Blessings are earned
due to behavior. Regardless of our
behavior we can feel loved. Our choices
sometimes keep us from receiving some blessings.
Most of you were raised with praise and
guilt. The #1 tool for discipline was
guilt. It comes across in anger. The words that express it are many, but the
feeling is guilty.
Example:
You get up and teach a lesson.
You judge the value on how you did by how many people come up to you
afterwards and tell you that you did a good job. If everyone just stands up and walks out you
feel like you did a bad job.
We do this with our spouses. If they don’t say, I love you enough. Many of us have said, “What’s wrong with
me.” We are dependent on external
strokes. We allow them to tell us our
value.
We have to prepare out missionaries for when they
get door slammed in their faces they can come home discouraged. We have to teach our children how to feel
good about themselves from inside.
How many of us feel like we just aren’t good
enough? Your self esteem is like a
bucket with holes in it. Praise creates
a bottomless pit. “Am I good enough now?” “Was this FHE lesson good enough?” Kids are that way too. “Did you really like that?” “Was that good?” You cannot put enough in. You have to teach them a different way.
Positive Affirmations (Love Language) is part of
encouragement. Encouragement has other
things with it. Even if it is their love
language, if they feel encouraged they don’t need a constant input of it. They
will know their value.
Parts of Encouragement….at this stage of your life
you may have to encourage yourself. You
may be too dependent on external sources to fill your bucket.
The place to start is encouraged people are
proactive. They are self acting. They have courage to do what is right. They feel valuable and trust in who they are. That’s what we want to raise our children to
be.
This week practice the “WORDS” of encouraging
language.
There is a chart of “Praise words/phrases” and “Encouragement
words/phrases” in the syllabus.
Praise is general.
It uses superlatives. “You are the best little boy.” “That is the cleanest room.” It is a value judgment. It creates competition. “You just did the best job on the dinner
dishes.” The other kid did what the
worst? It is default comparison. If you are the best then I am the worst. It creates a dependency on you always giving
them praise. They get undressed and run
down and you say, “You are such a good girl for getting dressed.” They made a wrong choice, but they are still
good.
“I’m so proud of the way you all played together.”
Praise is general, value attached, creates
competition, product focused.
Encouragement…very specific, effort focused. Even
if you are making a bad choice you can be encouraged, but you can’t be
praised.
Encouragement is effort and progress. It can be given to all children. Has nothing to do with external goodness or
badness. It creates internal motivation
for the child.
Ideas of encouraging statements…
Focuses on actions and efforts not on their
worth. Their feeling of value or worth
comes from inside of them. It is
secondary.
“I really appreciated your help in the super
market today. Thank you for your help.” Not “You are the best little girl for your
help in the super market today.” Child
assumes ‘I was good’ from the first statement instead of you saying it.
As I say this to the first child can the second
child also feel like they can win?
Yes.
“Thank you for cleaning the living room. It looks really nice.” You are not a good
girl because you cleaned the living room.
“I appreciate the effort you put in to making this room clean.” That is encouraging.
“You all played so nicely together while I was in
the kitchen.” No value on person.
When you see them start to become dependent on
what you say even if it is encouraging you need to stop.
You need to say 10 positives to 1 negative, but
they are still keeping score. Even if
you are saying it right. It is still
praise in their mind.
At that point you stop giving it to them from the
outside in. Your goal is now to teach
them.
They say, “wasn’t mine good enough.”
You use questions.
“How do you feel about the job you did on the family room?”
“I think I
did good.”
“I think you might be right.”
They gave themselves the validation. Change it to questions when they start becoming
too dependent on what you say. Don’t let
them back you into the corner. Have them
say it and then just agree with them.
Is it appropriate to privately use it when the
other child is around? Yes, but focus on
getting the competitive one of saying positive things to the other
children. You can work on them. Have a FHE when you spotlight the child. Have everyone else say something good about
the paper. Put them in a position where
to say something nice about others. Just
get them to gear their attention to others.
2 ½ & 8 months old. Do you want to hurt her by wrestling with
her? Yes. You can only teach on positives. If you want to teach your children anything
give them a positive and then build on it.
“Don’t hit.” “Your too big.” “She’s too little.” “Don’t be unkind.” Those are all negative
statements. Turn it around and teach on
the positive. The Holy Ghost can testify
if you teach on the positive. If you
teach on the negative it is guilt. “You are the big brother can you just hold
her really carefully”. Help them feel
protective and responsible for and taking care of. You teach them what you want them to do, not
what you don’t want them to do.
**Learn the verbiage. Say it.**
This ability to encourage is never ending. You will never outgrow it. It is not an event.
Big picture: It is one who feels self confident,
but not prideful. They are not
fearful. You have the ability to think
so you have an idea. We squelch our
children’s ability to think. We tell
them what to think and they don’t think outside that box. They become interdependent people. We teach them to be independent. We teach them the skills to become
interdependent so when they get married they can work with their spouse.
**Let them have their own problems
(Problem ownership)**
I have faith in your ability to solve a
problem. When children come to you all
the time and say what do I do? They
become dependent on us and don’t feel like they have value in problem solving.
Child comes home from school. Someone keeps teasing them. You say “why don’t you just say away from
that child?” “Why don’t you tell the
teacher?” Every time they’ve come home
you’ve told them what to do. They feel
more and more and more inadequate.
You have to learn how to listen. You can’t do problem ownership if you don’t
listen or take responsibility. It’s her
school, her problem, her friend. You
can’t do their social problems. You
teach them how to do them. Listen to
their problem by giving your full attention.
You stop what you are doing.
Full attention means eye contact.
Listen with your mouth shut. You
don’t say anything. In the listening,
listen for the feelings. There is a lot
being said in the words. Listen to
understand that child’s perspective. You
as an adult don’t see it the same way they do.
You have to see it on their level.
Lucy may say “I’m really tired of him I’d like to
beat him up.”
You respond “We don’t beat people up.”—Discouraging
comment. You have made their problem
yours.
Try, “I know he is irritating to you.” Resist the lecture.
“I don’t think I blame you. If I was in your situation I might feel the
same way.” Her feeling have been
validated. You keep listening let her
say how angry she is.
When she is done ask, “What do you think you can
do to get him to quit bugging you at school?”
Answer comes from her. You stop solving all their problems. You have to be able to cheer for them at
level zero.
What do you do when it starts causing chaos in
your home. What is your goal? What is the why? Goal is to teach them how to problem solve.
Don’t invalidate their feelings. Don’t say, “I’m sorry you didn’t go to bed
last night.”
Parenting is a long term teaching process. Does guilt work? Yes Is it the goal? No. By the time you got involved you were already
angry and inpatient. At the very
beginning you still have to take action, without taking over the problem.
**Learn to listen without talking. Ask questions.**
A friend says, “I think our family is going to go
to Disneyland.”
You say, “I think our family is going to go
camping.” You didn’t even listen to what they had to say.
Use the 3 question rule. Before you can give your opinion, lecture, or
say anything. You have to ask 3
questions to get them to expound.
Anyone who is listened to feel validated. Most people never feel listened to. You have to be the source that listens to
someone else. You become that person. So
your children will feel validated when you ask them questions.
**(Critical--the Lord does it) Set Goals**
How do you get to the Celestial Kingdom? One step at a time. It is repenting and turning around. There is a 4 letter word that is called. GOAL….set goals.
Faith in God, Cub Scouts, Young Men/Duty to God,
Young Women’s personal progress.
Goal setting moves us forward a little at a time.
As adults we stop setting goals that are monitored
and checked on.
Goals move us forward, keep us focused, and create
value.
Help your children set goals and achieve
them. This is what PPI’s are. PPI does not just have to come from Dad. You can use it with children as young as 2 on
up. The difficulty of the goals changes
with age and maturity. Goals will
change. They need to set a goal and meet
it.
“What do you want to learn or do?” They need to get into the habit of creating
the goal and figuring out how to make it happen. Then return and report. We still set goals and plan how to make it
happen and then set a date to return and report. We are not internally moving forward. We are just reacting to the busy life around
us.
Do one of these for you. “Goal Planning Sheet”
HOMEWORK 1:
Set a goal for you.
HOMEWORK 2:
Watch and be aware of how you use positives in your home. If you say something that is praise, bite
your tongue and say it right. You have
to “do”. Stop and re-say it
correctly.
Story: Richard P. Lindsay, “‘Feed My Sheep’,” Ensign, May 1994, 45
I grew up in rural Salt Lake County when it was an economic necessity to care for a variety of barnyard animals. My favorite animals were sheep—prompted perhaps by the fact that sheep do not require being milked twice a day, seven days a week.I wanted our own sons to have the blessing of being shepherds to such farm animals. Our older sons were each provided with a ewe to teach them the responsibility of caring for these sheep and the lambs that would hopefully follow.Our second son, newly turned six years of age, called me excitedly at my office one cold March morning on the phone and said, “Daddy, guess what? Esther [Esther was his mother ewe]—Esther has just had two baby lambs. Please come home and help me take care of them.” I instructed Gordon to watch the lambs carefully and make sure they received the mother’s milk and they would be fine. I was interrupted by a second phone call later in the morning with the same little voice on the other end saying, “Daddy, these lambs aren’t doing very well. They haven’t been able to get milk from the mother, and they are very cold. Please come home.”My response likely reflected some of the distress I felt by being distracted from my busy work schedule. I responded, “Gordon, the lambs will be all right. You just watch them, and when Daddy comes home we will make sure they get mother’s milk and everything will be fine.” Again, later in the afternoon I received a third, more urgent call. Now the voice on the other end was pleading. “Daddy, you’ve got to come home now. Those lambs are lying down, and one of them looks very cold.” Despite work pressures, I now felt some real concern and tried to reassure the six-year-old owner of the mother sheep by saying, “Gordon, bring the lambs into the house. Rub them with a gunnysack to make them warm. When Daddy comes home in a little while, we will milk the mother, feed the lambs, and they will be fine.”Two hours later I drove into the driveway of our home and was met by a boy with tear-stained eyes, carrying a dead lamb in his arms. His grief was overwhelming. Now I tried to make amends by quickly milking the mother sheep and trying to force the milk from a bottle down the throat of the now weak, surviving lamb. At this point, Gordon walked out of the room and came back with a hopeful look in his eyes. He said, “Daddy, I’ve prayed that we will be able to save this lamb, and I feel it will be all right.”The sad note to this story, brethren, is that within a few minutes the second lamb was dead. Then with a look that I will remember forever, this little six-year-old boy who had lost both of his lambs looked up into his father’s face and with tears running down his cheeks said, “Daddy, if you had come home when I first called you, we could have saved them both.”
Your children are calling you. They need to know that you love them. As you give them courage they will feel
valuable. They won’t feel like they are
calling and no one is listening.
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