These are the notes from 2011 from the marriage class that Sister Tanner didn't teach this semester.
Marriage: Divine Differences
Between Men & Women
· Most of us found out pretty quickly that marriage isn’t what we thought it was.
· Most of us don’t have the energy to live “in love”
· In raising children we teach them about relationships – communication
· You realize the person you married is different than you.
· Men say… “I wish you would have stayed how you were.”
· Women… “Let me help you make yourself better.”
o We do it with a real desire to help you.
o Men call it nagging
Definition of 8 Words Women Use
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Husband Shopping Center
Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids. "The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.”
· Men & women handle life differently.
Example: Mike & Carleen were going to a wedding reception. They were talking up a storm. When they got on Chinden the speed limit drops. Carleen said, “Mike don’t you think you should slow down?” She went on talking, but he stopped talking to her. When they hit the door to go into the wedding reception he became chatty with all the people, but when they hit the door going out there was silence. She asked what was wrong. He said, “Carleen if I need you to tell me how to drive I’ll ask you.”
· Men don’t want to be told what to do!
· Women give unsolicited suggestions.
· Women see it as helping. Men see it as nagging.
· Don’t parent your husband.
· Men sometimes give unsolicited ‘help’ as well.
Example: Carleen was the Primary President she has 2 teachers that wouldn’t show up. After church one day she was really mad. She started to tell Mike what was going on. He interrupted her and said, “You what you need to do. You should go to the bishop and have him call a permanent sub.” Was it a good suggestion? Yes. How did Carleen feel? Mad. She thought, “I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
· Women are emotional basket cases. We need to be able to express our emotions and then fix it.
· What he could have said was, “Boy honey, that must have been really hard, what did you do?”
MEN | WOMEN |
Logical thinkers—they take it apart , find a solution, and then put it back together | Emotional—they have to let it all out before they come to a solution |
Segmented Lives—work, home, think about them as completely separate items. | Big Picture (river)—everything runs into it. |
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· Women do things certain ways. We think that is the only way it can be done.
o Bedtime: Women—45 minutes later—talk time, prayers, sing, read, get in bed
o Bedtime: Men—7 minutes later—back down with kids in bed
o If they offer to help we need to appreciate their help.
o They are lifting us and serving us. Allow them to do it in their own way. Don’t become critical because they don’t do it “your” way.
· We live parallel lives. We live in the same place, but we just pass each other. When we hit this point our marriages are in trouble! We still love each other. We are content, but our lives are not intertwined.
· It’s the one relationship you can’t do alone in the Celestial Kingdom.
· We are supposed to be different. We need to find joy in the differences.
· We need to talk about things in a non-defensive way – good communication.
Joseph Fielding Smith….Answers to Gospel Questions (Vol 4 pg 81)
“Just why the Lord would say to Adam that he forbade him to partake of the fruit of that tree is not made clear in the Bible account, but in the original as it comes to us in the Book of Moses it is made definitely clear. It is that the Lord said to Adam that if he wished to remain as he was in the garden, then he was not to eat the fruit, but if he desired to eat it and partake of death he was at liberty to do so. So really it was not in the true sense a transgression of a divine commandment. Adam made the wise decision, in fact the only decision that he could make.”
- Made a wise decision.
- Didn’t start in beginning as a sin.
President Gordon B. Hinckley made this valuable observation in a "Husbands and Wives Fireside Satellite Broadcast", January 29, 1984:
“I have long felt that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. That involves a willingness to overlook weaknesses and mistakes.
One man has said, "Love is not blind-it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less" (Julius Gordon, Treasure Chest, ed. Charles L. Wallis [New York: Harper and Row, 1965], p. 168). . . .
Unfortunately, some women want to remake their husbands after their own design. Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works. It only leads to contention, misunderstanding, and sorrow. (Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley,[1997] p.325)
· We get married because we are so happy. We are “in love!”
· That “in love” feeling is where you just serve them. It takes no effort. You think of them all the time. You look for ways to make them happy.
· Love is a commitment to doing loving things for our spouse.
· Anxious is energy to move forward.
· We get hung up on counting what they do to make you feel happy.
· You are unhappy when your spouse isn’t doing something for you.
· If the focus is on what is coming in to me you will be disappointed. If the focus is on going out you will be happy.
“Too many who come to marriage have been coddled and spoiled and somehow led to feel that everything must be precisely right at all times, that life is a series of entertainments, that appetites are to be satisfied without regard to principle. How tragic the consequences of such hollow and unreasonable thinking!” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 96; or
Ensign, May 1991, 73 President Gordon B. Hinckley).
· There is a divine purpose of both Men & Women
· Magnify your purpose while you build your spouse in his/her purpose.
· Specific instructions from the Lord.
· If you will humbly accept his counsel and do it, you will be amazed at what happens in your marriage
· Your obedience invites the Spirit in to make your marriage better.
(Spencer W. Kimball…read by Camilla Kimball at women’s fireside…Ensign Nov 1979 role of Righteous Women)
“We had full equality as his spirit children. We have equality as recipients of God’s perfected love for each of us. The late Elder John A. Widtsoe wrote:
“The place of woman in the Church is to walk beside the man, not in front of him nor behind him. In the Church there is full equality between man and woman. The gospel, which is the only concern of the Church, was devised by the Lord for men and women alike” (Improvement Era, Mar. 1942, p. 161).
Within those great assurances, however, our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences—with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and the priesthood—but the man is not without the woman nor the woman without the man in the Lord (see
1 Cor. 11:11). Both a righteous man and a righteous woman are a blessing to all those their lives touch.”
THE FAMILY: A Proclamation to the World.
This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the
General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.
“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”
Men are to: Preside, Provide, & Protect
Women are to: Nurture
· These assignments came from the pre-existence.
1 Nephi 3:7 “And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.”
· If we “go and do” what the Lord commanded (Men-preside, provide, protect. Women-nurture) the Lord will help us.
· He has given us different gifts to magnify those responsibilities.
· If you bring together both sides in righteous covenants you have a God. You have to have both responsibilities and gifts of men and women.
· This life is where we practice to magnify our gifts and lift our spouse to come together as a perfect unit before the Lord.
· You may not say, “I believe that, but my husband doesn’t do it.”
· We put ourselves in a downward spiral when we think we are good and they are bad.
MEN’S RESPONSIBILITY & GIFTS: (This is for women to understand)
(1) Preside: Given the gift of the Priesthood. They preside in our homes in righteousness. D&C 121 tells them how to preside.
(2) Provide: Given the gift of “segmented thinking” and logical thinkers so they can keep separate parts of their lives. They are to provide the necessities of life, opportunities for children, and a good environment to raise them in.
(3) Protect: Given the gift of strong physical drive. They are to protect physically, spiritually, emotionally, & morally. They are to protect us from media, music, internet, anything that is not good.
· Women need to stay home. Many women lose their femininity when they go into the work place. We need to be home to nurture.
· Men face a world of dragons.
· Men go into marriage with a huge responsibility. They don’t complain about it. It is heavy. They have been given the gift of being logical thinkers and segmented lives. They can solve problems.
· Men come with a competitive nature. It is a gift to help them succeed.
· Men are given strong physical drive so they will want to have a family and to stay committed to that.
· Satan takes these gifts and tweaks them and creates men’s weaknesses.
(1) Preside: Sometimes with that power they have ‘unrighteous dominion’
· D&C 121 teaches them to use the priesthood
· They are right because they are the boss. They are right now matter what.
· Withdraw – give the silent treatment
· In being right they don‘t listen to spouse. It’s not an agreement
(2) Provide: Satan tempts men to want bigger and better things….bigger house. They become work-a-holics. They travel for work. They need to make sure that connection is always there.
(3) Protect: Satan tempts them with strong physical desires—pornography. Looking at other women. If it gets out of the Lord’s bounds can really tempt them to pull away.
· Heavenly Father intervened and has given a commandment. If they obey the commandment they can be shielded from Satan’s temptations.
Commandment: CLEAVE
· D&C 42:22 Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.
· Genesis 2:23-24 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
· 1 Corinthians 11:11 Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.
· Moses 3:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.
· Abraham 5:18 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.
· Above all segments say he would cleave to his wife
· Women if you are a porcupine he won’t want to cleave.
· He will be protected from temptations if he will “cleave”.
Women need to support their husbands:
Men Preside = Women Admire
· You honor his priesthood, ask for blessings, at least 2 blessings of encouragements per year. Ask for children’s blessings
· Admire the good things he does
· You validate him
· You look to see what he does well.
· If Satan can get women to be critical he can bring man down.
· Don’t keep score.
Men Provide = Women Appreciate
· Appreciate them for the money they provide
· Live on a budget
· Tell them you are grateful to be at home.
· Stop complaining!
· Be happy!
· Have you thought about what you are like to come home to?
· In the 1st 5 minutes through the door do they know how grateful you are for what they do?
· Teach children not to waste things
· Run to him when he gets home. Teach your children to go to him when he gets home.
Men Protect = Women Show Affection
· Let him know we need him.
· Men feel unneeded because we are too independent.
· Women fix things and open their own doors.
· Nobody said you aren’t capable.
· Ask for suggestions and ideas.
· Do not parent him.
· Most men thrive on physical touch...they need to be held, physically close.
· Women don’t necessarily want to be touched after they have had children hanging on them all day. Make an effort to look for physical touch.
WOMEN’S RESPONSIBILITY & GIFTS
President Howard W. Hunter
“I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” ( Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139).
· Being superior means increased spirituality to nurture not to criticize
· You have gifts but use them to nurture.
· Nuture: Given gift of a sense of spirituality that comes naturally.
o It comes to men as you become righteous he feels the love from heaven.
· Even was given for a “helpmeet”. In Greek “meet” means to surround, lift up, aide, and support.
· Women are given emotional gifts. Men given logical gifts.
Moses 4:22-23 Unto the woman, I, the Lord God, said: I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception. In
asorrow thou shalt bring forth children, and thy desire shall be to thy
bhusband, and he shall rule over thee.
And unto Adam, I, the Lord God, said: Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the fruit of the tree of which I commanded thee, saying—Thou shalt not eat of it,
acursed shall be the ground for thy sake; in
bsorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life.
· Women have the natural desire to be mothers.
· Men are given a strong drive to clean and want to become married.
· Satan takes these gifts and tweaks them and creates women’s weaknesses.
(1) Nurture: Turn the gift of serving out is turned in.
· Self pity
· Self righteousness – I want to do this how come you don’t
· If we are criticizing we need to repent.
· Men need to understand that we are emotional basket cases.
HOMEWORK:
· Men: Read D&C 121—on how to preside
· Women: Read D&C 25—rip it apart verse by verse & bring it up to me, here & now instead of they, there & then.
o Murmur not-complain, condemn
o Comfort in trials & concerns
o Gentle spirit & soft voice
o Spirit of meekness
o Go with him to be a companion—It’s hard for him to cleave alone.
o Beware of pride
o Keep the commandments
o Lay aside worldliness
· Heavenly Father intervened and has given a commandment. If we obey the commandment we can be shielded from Satan’s temptations.
Commandment: BE SUBMISSIVE
· Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
· This doesn’t mean being a doorman or a mouse.
· This means to be submissive like Jesus was to Heavenly Father: Bold, active, energetic, Always the will of his father.
· Talk to him about a plan and how to support him. The desire doesn’t change just the approach.
EXAMPLE: “Why don’t we have FHE? We are supposed to have FHE.” Change that to “How can I help with FHE?” This lifts him. Honor your husband. Seek to lift him.
President James E Faust
“Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood.” (Ensign September 2006 pg 4 “The Father Who Cares”)
THIS IS A WARNING FROM A PROPHET!!!
"It is interesting to know how man is put together--how incomplete he is. His whole physical and emotional, and for that matter, spiritual nature, is formed in such a way that it depends upon a source of encouragement and power that is found in a woman. when a man has found his wife and companion he has in a sense found the other half of himself. he will return to her again and again for that regeneration that exalts his manhood and strengthens him for the testing that life will give him. A woman has the privilege and influence to transform a man into an able and effective LDS Priesthood leader. However, for this there are two pre-requisites. first she must want to, and second she must know how. Part of knowing how includes the genius of encouraging him to meet his obligations without replacing him in his role--without presiding over him.
Elder Boyd K Packer General RS Conf. Oct 1, 1970 as quoted from the Salt Lake Tribune 2 Oct 1970 pg B-1
MEN: HOW TO LIFT WIFE
(1) Tell her often how much you love her. You need to say it.
a. Tell her in specifics.
b. When you say, “You are the best mother”, she gets angry because she thinks of all the things she did wrong.
c. If you say, “Our children are blessed to have a Mom that read to them, that is home after school, that makes them do chores.” That gets in because she can say, “Yes, I do all those things.”
(2) Listen without solving
a. We need to vent. It’s not personal
b. Say, “That must be hard. How can I help?”
c. If your wife comes to you play the 3 question game. You have to ask her 3 questions or make 3 comments showing you understand before you can give advice or solve the problem.
EXAMPLE: Mike & Carleen were going to Utah over the weekend. Carleen was driving. Mike said, “I don’t want you to drive over 60.” She said, “I won’t go over 70.” Inside she was thinking, “Just wait until you go to sleep.” She asked if they couldn’t compromise at 70. She drove 60, but was mad the whole time. When they got home he said, “We have to make the truck last a long time. It will save gas mileage. Carleen, thank you for driving to well.” That made her really angry. She felt like he didn’t care about her feelings.
· It makes you feel mad when you feel like you aren’t being understood.
· When they decide to practice the 3 question game don’t say, “I know what you are doing.”
(3) See and do tasks around the house without being asked
a. Be more involved without being invited
Russell M. Nelson (Ensign May 2006 Nurturing Marriage)
“I invite each marital partner to consider these suggestions and then determine specific goals to nurture your own relationship. Begin with sincere desire. Identify those actions needed to bless your spiritual unity and purpose. Above all, do not be selfish! Generate a spirit of selflessness and generosity. Celebrate and commemorate each day together as a treasured gift from heaven.”
· Make your own personal goals to implement this knowledge.
FOLLOW UP:
· You cannot change your spouse
· You may admire, show affection, & appreciate them enough that they will want to change
· Do we parent our girls like boys and our boys like girls
· Scriptures say, “Past feeling, can’t hear”
o Often women who work outside their homes become past feeling
o We close our heart to feelings to become successful in the world
· Don’t stifle your gifts, but where is your heart
· The Lord will protect femininity if they have to work.
· What if they say, “I’m a better Mom because I work.”…..follow the prophet, teach doctrine on the family.
· We each gain our testimonies of different things at different speed.
· We aren’t held accountable until we understand the doctrine.
· In your life you will have an area that you excel at.
· You either marry trouble or give birth to it.
· Fall in love with who you have instead of what you thought you had
