Marriage--Class #10 (Fall 2012)

MARRIAGE

This topic is one of the topics we as parents fail in preparing our children.  We don’t prepare them for marriage.  If we prepared them properly there would be less problems in marriage when they got married.  The divorce rate in the church is just about as much as there is outside the church. 

If you go to the church statistics, our youth are marrying later than they used to.  We all just hang out together, but they don’t have to be responsible to provide and take care of.  Our social structure is changing. 

We need to teach our children the doctrine of the family.  It is to create righteous families.  It’s an eternal purpose.  We are anxious to teach morality strong for the intent that they will be worthy to go to the temple, so they can marry a return missionary or a righteous pure young woman.  They can get married and be sealed for time and eternity.  That is the beginning not the end and we don’t teach them past that. 

Girls watch a lot of chick flicks.  They end when they get together.  They think the chick flick ending is how marriage is.  They just get along so well. 

HOMEWORK:  Read this article read it with a paper and pencil and write down a to-do list.  Agency & Love in Marriage Lynn Robbins October 2000 Ensign

Read the syllabus on marriage

Lynn Robbins “It is almost humorous to observe a young unmarried couple in love. After spending an entire day together, they are back together again on the phone that same night. It’s sheer torture for them to be separated. Even in their thoughts they can hardly focus on anything else. Love begins to disrupt their studies or work. Everything else in life becomes a nuisance and an interruption that keeps them apart until they can be together again. In their minds there was never, in the history of the world, a truer love than theirs. We call this level of premarriage intensity “infatuation.” 

High energy/low sleep.  Do you remember in that moment how much conscious effort to think about your ‘soon to be spouse’.  You get married and the first little while is awesome.  Then you realize there are quirks you didn’t bargain for. How long did it take you to see that marriage isn’t it all cracked up to be?

The first one is about 6 months in.  Then real life sets in.  5 years is the first real evaluation period.  You usually have 2 children and not much income.  You have lots of debt.  Sometimes you will start saying “I wonder what would have happened if I married Joe.  He’s a doctor and doing well.”  10 years is the next big hump.  You have 4 kids by then.  Your body isn’t the same as when you go married.  There are too many people at this stage that go on Facebook to see how other people are doing. 

Marry the person you love, but then in marriage fall in love with who you married.

“After they marry, this intensity tapers off. Living under the same roof, they each begin to discover a few peculiar idiosyncracies in the other that they had not seen before. Some of these are irritating. The infatuation begins to fade. Those who have confused infatuation for love begin to worry and wonder if they are falling out of love. “Where is that level of passion, the fire I had during courtship?” they may ask themselves. Their relationship is passing through a common stage and is at an important crossroad. If they believe they have fallen out of love, they may begin to drift apart.”

At this point we don’t want a divorce.  We have a family and we still love them, but it’s kind of an empty feeling.  I just feel lonely.  They are so busy and distracted.  We begin living parallel lives.  We live in the same home, but our lives no longer intersect.  We pass through.  We go through the agenda….who is picking up who.  He is doing his thing and you are doing your thing.   Mostly it’s parallel.  You are not seeking a divorce.  This isn’t a whole lot of fun. 

“There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are jammed. …  “Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.” (Deseret News, 12 June 1973, p. A4.)”  What God Hath Joined Together, President Gordon B. Hinkley Ensign April 1991

Universal feeling of good people in good relationships.  We don’t give Satan credit for the impact in our life.  We look at blessing as say that is a tender mercy.  Usually what you will say is, “I am rotten wife.”  Or “If he would just help more, get off video games, pay more attention.”  Happiness is a condition that I will feel when it’s met.  That is not true.  Happiness is something that is in your heart and you are in charge of.

The adversary’s attacks upon eternal marriage will continue to increase in intensity, frequency, and sophistication.  We should consider the intent of our enemy in this latter-day war.  The Father’s plan is designed to provide direction for His children, to help them become happy, and to bring them safely home to Him. Lucifer’s attacks on the plan are intended to make the sons and daughters of God confused and unhappy and to halt their eternal progression. The overarching intent of the father of lies is that all of us would become “miserable like unto himself” (2 Nephi 2:27), and he works to warp the elements of the Father’s plan he hates the most. Satan does not have a body, he cannot marry, and he will not have a family. And he persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender, marriage, and family.  Marriage Is Essential To His Plan World Wide Leadership Training February 2006 David A Bednar

Satan is actively at war on your marriage.  He causes you to stay in negative thought in the relationship.  If those become the core of your thought or if you simply withdraw without thinking about the relationship (silent treatment to the relationship).  Either way he wins.  He wins because he is keeping you from being anxiously engaged in building a happy relationship.

You are teaching your children that is what marriage is.  Now the next generation is self entitled, then the next generation gets the divorces.  Be an example of a good marriage. 

Your happiness is not dependent on them!   It is dependent on you and what you can do. 

Alma 32:37  (Parable of Marriage)

 37 And behold, as the tree (marriage) beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.

 38 But if ye neglect the tree (marriage), and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.

Neglect the marriage=too busy doing other things

Heat of sun=financial stress, busyness, children, illness

Then you pluck it up and cast it out (not necessarily a divorce-you are no longer entwined)

 39 Now, this is not because the seed marriage was not good, neither is it because the fruit (love) thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground (hear(t is barren, and ye will not nourish the  tree (marriage(, therefore ye cannot have the fruit (love) thereof.

Lynn Robbins--He sat on the committee of the church to have sealing cancellations.  Number one reason people were requesting divorce is because they were falling out of love.  Do you fall out of kindness?  No you don’t fall out of kindness.  If you don’t feel kindness it’s because you quit doing kind things.  If you are not feeling the feeling of love it is because you aren’t doing loving things.  The feeling is a byproduct. 

To be in love is that wonderful feeling.  To be in love is a commitment to do loving things.

Every day is a special occasion.

 “When obedience (marriage) ceases to be an irritant and becomes our quest, in that moment God will endow us with power.” Obedience Life’s Great Challenge Ezra T. Benson April 1998

“Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children's father or the father's image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood.” The Father Who Cares Ensign September 2006

If you roll your eyes.  “Your dad didn’t take out the garbage again.” 

Women you prick.  I didn’t actually say you were bad.  When our children feel that.  When we demean him we are not showing our spiritual sensitivity. 

How do you perk up your marriage?  There is a season in life, for you to do all these things that you are going to go back to that infatuation period you won’t.  That had something to do with being early 20’s and raging hormones on both sides.  Both of you are smarter and wiser and have more depth.  The relationship changes at 43 years is so different than the relationship you have at 5 years.  The annoyances and irritants don’t even matter anymore.  We want to look for things to help each other.  It is the attitude of caring.  It is that marriage is the quest.  If you do these things, don’t do it to buy that feeling.  It’s not coming back.  Something better will come. 

If you choose to do these things it is not in payoff mode.  It’s not about keeping score.  If you keep score it’s not a gift.  A gift has no strings attached.  It’s just a gift of the heart.  Take one of these and give it as a gift from the heart.

Some of you feel helpless and hopeless.  Start praying about it and have your heart changed to see them differently.  Then have the strength to do one of these things.  Maybe read his patriarchal blessing.

Pick at least one to do….

1.    You start to live the gospel better.  Pray with greater intent.  Pray gratitude for your marriage.  You need to soften your heart before you can bring the spirit to your marriage. 

“I suppose you would say it is a man’s viewpoint to throw a burden upon a woman to maintain the stability and the sweetness of marriage, but this seems to be her divine nature. She has a superior spirituality in the marriage relationship, and the opportunity to encourage, uplift, teach, and be the one who sets the example in the family for righteous living. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord set out in his divine plan” ( Teachings of Howard W. Hunter, 139). Eternal Marriage Student Manual

If Satan takes your gift of being superior spirituality he twists it into self righteousness.  When you use it to serve it will bless. 

2.     Value each other and appreciate the differences in your roles.  To learn to validate is to express in positives those things that are good.  You should be saying positives 15:1.  Get a whiteboard with dry erase markers hang it up in your bathroom.  Write something on that board that you admire about him.  99 positive things you can say.  Days of the month—30 days of things to do.  Do something every day. 

Couple that was married, went to a fireside.  Irritants in every marriage find out what it is and stop doing it.  Always left lid off the toothpaste.  He decided he would put the lid back on.  All week she never said a word.  He thought it didn’t bother her that much.  We need to talk.  She finally said, “Why haven’t you brushed your teeth all week.”

It takes effort to break a bad habit.

3.     Spend non-electric time together.  Make dinner together, go for a walk, shoot hoops, play volleyball, read a book together

4.    Learn your spouses love language.  Everyone doesn’t hear I love you the same way.  Languages: in the syllabus.  You need to figure out what your love language is.  We tend to express love in our language even if it isn’t their language.  You have to teach them what you need.  “For All Eternity” by John Lund   You can take an online test to figure out love languages at "The 5 Love Languages"

5.    Meet at the crossroads and touch.  There is nothing that will make your spouse or children feel better as they come and go during the day.  You meet at the door.  You put your arms around them and hug them and say I’m glad you are home.  You have to “go” to them.  Practice the 20-second kiss. 

6.    Be kind.  Be friends.  Treat your spouse like you treat your best friend.  You speak nicer to everyone else.  Share happy talk.  Be grateful.  Say please and thank you.  Don’t take offense where none is intended.  We will hold them accountable.  Do not gossip about your spouse to anyone.  Don’t tell your sister, mother, best friend what he did yesterday.  Smile!  Laugh in your home. 

7.    Take responsibility for your own emotional well-being.  Don’t blame a bad day on them.  Keep track of your cycle.  Know when it’s coming.  Stock up on the chocolate.  They are not responsible for your well-being.  Find people that make you happy.  You need positive input from other people.  We think it’s our spouses responsibility to make us happy and it’s our responsibility to make them good. 

8.    Avoid unreal expectations.  Stop comparing.  Don’t look back to you and don’t compare.  Those of you who read romance novels burn them!  That is not real life.  You come back to reality after you’ve read those and you are miserable.

9.    Learn to listen.  We listen with the intent to answer.  If we are having a conversation we try to turn it around to us.  Before you can turn it around or share your experience.  Then you have to ask 3 questions.  Ask questions that say I care about you. 

10. Remember this is an eternal relationship.  Pray together as a couple every night.  Go to the temple and renew in your own mind the covenants that you have made.  Pray in specifics that the Lord will show you how to serve your spouse.  Pray that the Lord will show you who your husband is.

I challenge you to light the fire in you so you can serve in gratitude your spouse.