Class 7 (Spring 2012)--Discipline Part 3

If your children say, "I hate you!"  "I wish I was never born!"  Don't deal with what they say in a temper tantrum.  They are subconsciously trying to hurt you.  You can acknowledge their feelings, "You are really frustrated."

President Hinckley October 1993 October Conference pg 54

Not long after we were married, we built our first home. We had very little money. I did much of the work myself. It would be called “sweat equity” today. The landscaping was entirely my responsibility. The first of many trees that I planted was a thornless honey locust. Envisioning the day when its filtered shade would assist in cooling the house in the summertime, I put it in a place at the corner where the wind from the canyon to the east blew the hardest. I dug a hole, put in the bare root, put soil around it, poured on water, and largely forgot it. It was only a wisp of a tree, perhaps three-quarters of an inch in diameter. It was so supple that I could bend it with ease in any direction. I paid little attention to it as the years passed.

Then one winter day, when the tree was barren of leaves, I chanced to look out the window at it. I noticed that it was leaning to the west, misshapen and out of balance. I could scarcely believe it. I went out and braced myself against it as if to push it upright. But the trunk was now nearly a foot in diameter. My strength was as nothing against it. I took from my toolshed a block and tackle. Attaching one end to the tree and another to a well-set post, I pulled the rope. The pulleys moved a little, and the trunk of the tree trembled slightly. But that was all. It seemed to say, “You can’t straighten me. It’s too late. I’ve grown this way because of your neglect, and I will not bend.”

Finally in desperation I took my saw and cut off the great heavy branch on the west side. The saw left an ugly scar, more than eight inches across. I stepped back and surveyed what I had done. I had cut off the major part of the tree, leaving only one branch growing skyward.

More than half a century has passed since I planted that tree. My daughter and her family live there now. The other day I looked again at the tree. It is large. Its shape is better. It is a great asset to the home. But how serious was the trauma of its youth and how brutal the treatment I used to straighten it.

When it was first planted, a piece of string would have held it in place against the forces of the wind. I could have and should have supplied that string with ever so little effort. But I did not, and it bent to the forces that came against it.

I have seen a similar thing, many times, in children whose lives I have observed. The parents who brought them into the world seem almost to have abdicated their responsibility. The results have been tragic. A few simple anchors would have given them the strength to withstand the forces that have shaped their lives. Now it appears it is too late.

Elder Bednar said to correct "early on" meaning early in life and early in the even.  Correct early on with sharpness.  Sharpness = Exactness.  Deal with one thing at a time.  When you are talking to your child and they lie to you focus on the original problem or the lying not both.  Don't correct harsher than you have the energy to heal.

10.  TIME OUT

• We use it right now to get them out of your time.  Your purpose is to send them away.  
• Holy Ghost is not there with screaming and yelling.  We are trying to teach and they aren't getting it.
• We are usually really unhappy with them.
• Purpose is to give them time to cool down so you can teach them.
• We send them away and they stop crying.  Then they come back and we don't teach.  We need to teach them the principle with touch...a hug or on your lap.
• When they calm down, teach then invite them back into socialization

Question:  Is it ok to put your child with their nose in the corner?
Answer:  No.  This is not discipline.  It is punishment.  It is demeaning.

• One mom sent her daughter to her room for a time out and she was in there singing and dancing.  This mad the Mom mad.  If they are singing and dancing they are calm you can go in and teach.  

Question:  How do you keep teaching from being a lecture?
Answer:  Stop talking so much.  Use questions to get them to say the same things you would have said to them.  "Why do you think Mom was upset?"  "What do you think happened out there?"  "What could we do differently?"  Have them talk to you.  Make sure you validate your love for them and your faith in them that they can do it right the next time.

• We never outgrown time out. 
• With older kids you can say..."We aren't going to talk about that right now.  Let's talk about it tomorrow."  Make sure you come back and talk.

Question:  What do you do if time outs don't work?
Answer:  We get hung up on a specific tool.  If one tool doesn't work pick a different one.  There are 13 to choose from.

• Time out is short term.  Don't abuse it.  It's not a power trip for you. 
• To "validate" them that simply means saying something positive when they come back together. 

9.  LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES:

• Most misused
• Every act does not need a consequence.  If it's not done right they just need to do it again.

Rules for logical consequences:
1.  It has to be related to the incident.
Example:  They are misusing the TV and you tell them they can't go to their friend's house for the next 2 weeks.  It is not related.

2.  It has to be respectful to both the child and the parent.
Example:  Child is playing at the neighbors and is causing trouble.  You tell them that for the next 2 weeks they have to stay inside.  The parent is the one that has the consequence and is being punished.
3.  It has to have reasonable terms.  Don't make them too long.

• As children get older you don't have to apply a consequence on the spot.  You can come back after thinking about it.  
• The logical consequence is to help the child remember the teaching not for them to fear you.
• We make consequences punishment
• Teens have the right and the responsibility to choose their own consequences.  

Example:  Nathan is a really good kid.  He was on seminary counsel.  He did what he was supposed to do.  He came home and asked if he could go to Salt Lake for General Conference with the seminary counsel. He really wanted to see the prophet in person.  He told her that they would be staying with someone's married sister.  The girls would be upstairs the boys downstairs.  They would be going together in a van.  Everything was taken care of.  She agreed that he could go. The plan was Sister Tanner would meet him and bring him home.  He left.  She went to the store and ran into one of the other members of the seminary counsel.  Sister Tanner asked her why she didn't go to Salt Lake.  The girl told her that the trip had been cancelled.  Sister Tanner was mad.  She wasn't sure how she was going to handle the situation.  She went to Utah.  Nathan pulled up in a car and jumped out.  The whole way home he talked and talked and talked.  He's not normally very talkative.  He talked about conference and she should tell that he had listened to all of the sessions of conference.  She just let him talk.  She didn't tell him that she knew he had gone with someone other than the seminary counsel.  When they got home they went inside and within a few minutes Nathan came to her and said, "Mom I need to talk to you."  Even after all the other talking he had already done.  So they went for a walk and he started sobbing.  He told her that he had lied to her.  He told her that the trip had gotten cancelled, but he wanted to see the prophet so badly and he knew that she wouldn't let him go.  He told her that he had gone with another friend who had borrowed the car from his parents and a couple of friends that were girls.  They had separate sleeping arrangements.  They didn't go to Conference, but he did.  He had them drop him off and he went to every session including the priesthood session.  They agreed to meet the next night and discuss a consequence for his choices.  She told Brother Tanner not to talk because he was mad and she didn't want to ruin the teaching moment.  Nate started out telling her that the other kids had gotten a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again.  She said, "I'm not comfortable with that."  What do you think we should do.  He said that he thought he should be grounded for 2 weeks.  So that would be 2 weeks from Monday.  They agreed.  He followed the rules and came home everyday after school.  A few days before the end of his 2 weeks he came to Sister Tanner and said, "Mom, I know I said I would give you 2 weeks, but my senior prom is this Saturday.  If you will give me just that 1 night I will give you another week."  She said, "No."  He said, "Ok."  The seminary teacher called her and said, "I know you told Nate he can't go to prom, but we have this new girl and could he please just take her."  She still said, "No."  When graduated and left for college at BYU as she was getting ready to leave he said, "Mom, Do you remember when you didn't let me go to prom?  I'm grateful that you didn't let me go.  If you had let me go I wouldn't have been able to trust you.  I know that what is say is true."

There were very few rules in the Tanner household, but the ones that they had were firm.
Tanner Rule:  When they present a request they have to answer the "W's"  Where, When, Who, What.  If they can't answer those they have to go find the answers and then come back with them.

Tanner Rule:  If your friend asks permission for you the answer will always be no.

• The logical consequence of the job not being done right is to re-do the job.

8.  NATURAL CONSEQUENCES:

• We become hovering helicopters that rescue our children.  
• Example:  If you forget your lunch...you are hungry.  If you forget your gym clothes...you get a zero for the day.  

Natural Consequence Rules:
1.  Be on their side.  You can't say, "I told you so."  When you do it becomes punishment and loses it's value.
2.  Don't rescue them.

EXAMPLE:   These parents were trying to teach their children the value of money.  The kids worked all summer long and were given their money for school clothes.  They went to the mall and let them go shopping.  This is after they taught them good values and helped them understand that they were buying their school clothes.  One daughter only wanted the best name brand things, but ended up buying off the sale rack.  She had lots of clothes.  They had "show and tell" when they got home.  When it got to the younger boy he pulled out a skateboard.  That's what he had bought.  (Remember rules #1 & #2).  They refrained from the lecture.  On the first day of school he didn't have new clothes to wear and the sole of his shoe was coming off.  He told his Mom that he needed new shoes.  He would even pay her back if they could just go get some.  She told him to go talk to his Dad.  His Dad said he would have to wait until he had the money earned to get a new pair.  He said he couldn't go to school with his shoe like that.  His Dad agreed then grabbed the duct tape and "fixed" his shoe.

• There is a difference between helping your child and enabling them.  Those we rescue become entitled. 

7.  PUTTING CHILDREN IN THE SAME BOAT

• When you com in on a situation and one says, "He started it", but you didn't see it happen you put them both in the same boat.  Whatever discipline you give to one you give to both.  
• "I see that you have both agreed to fight.  You both agreed to do...."
• It doesn't have to be a bad thing.  They can both go play a game or bake cookies.  Just something that they can do together.  
• You can have them clean the sliding glass door one on one side and one of the other.
• Neither get dessert
• No one gets to watch TV today. 
• It's to train them to cooperate better as a teem.

6.  NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

• Blues need to practice this one this week.  They talk too much.
• Example:  Rule is that no one watches TV until after homework is done.  They keep turning on the TV.  Put a sheet over the TV with a big smiley face on it.  Don't say anything.
• Example:  The boy forgets to feed the dog.  Made an agreement that if the dog wasn't fed Mom would just turn his plate upside down.  He could stay for prayer and then run and feed the dog and come back to eat.  
• Example:  "This place condemned" sign on a messy bedroom door.  

5.  MAKE UPS

• If you offend someone you do something to show you mean what you say.
• It has to be an act that says "I really am sorry."
• You know that the apology is real.

4.  FAMILY MEETINGS:

• Meet as a family and discuss problems.
• RULE:  It may not be target practice aimed towards one person.  It is to identify problems and come up with solutions.
• It works best with and "I" statement.
• Only address one issue at a time.
• It's not an attack
• They come up with the solutions.
• When children come to tattle..."Put that on the paper on the fridge for our next family meeting." Usually they will solve it on their own.
• It needs to be a safe place to discuss problems.
• You can plan vacations.
• Practice....FHE and Family Meetings not the same night.  It makes it too long. 

3.  PRACTICE

• Anything you want to be good at requires practice....church behavior, family prayer behavior. 
• It only works if Mom can remain a cheerleader or it becomes punishment
• Example:  Children practice church behavior at home on the sofa.  Then reminded during church to find out if they need to "practice" at home to become really good at it.
• Example:  Coming to the table the first time they are called.
• If you get angry it's a punishment.
• Younger kids think it's a game.
• Don't demean the older kids.

2.  GATING

• This only works if you have a hot button.
• Rule:  You do what I need then you get what you want and I get what I want.
• This works for cellphones, I pods, I pads, friends.  These things are all privileges not rights.  
• Be careful what "rights" you give them.  They need to handle them with respect or lose them.

1.  CHOICES

• Do you want tuna or peanut butter?
• Do you want to wear the red or the blue shoes?
• Rule:  You have to be ok with either choice you give them.

The Lord governs with firmness. He forgives us, but is firm in his expectations.  Teach them to have self control to become a celestial being.

Teach correct principles and let them govern themselves.  (Joseph Smith)

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This is a list of links to other Conference talks that Sister Tanner has used in past "Discipline" classes in case you would like to read and study more.

"Sins & Mistakes"  by Dallin H. Oaks

"A Thousand Threads of Love"  by James E Faust 

"I Have A Question"  What do the scriptures and latter-day prophets teach about disciplining our children?

"Love and Law"  by Dallin H. Oaks

Class 6 (Spring 2012)--Discipline Part 2

• We mistakenly think that if we make a child feel bad enough they won't do it again.  This is punishment.  It puts them into fear. 
• We won't do better when we feel worse
• Punishment makes us angry and puts us in revenge.  It will work quickly, but only short term.  The kids will outgrow the effectiveness of punishment.
• Discipline teaches from misbehavior.  It takes time and energy.  They become self governing, but you have to do it at level 0 

Power Struggles:
Remember that power struggle were in the 2nd level of discouragement. 

1. You cannot force another person to do something.
2. In the moment of the battle all you can do is withdraw.
3. Come back at a later time with the Holy Ghost to teach them what they should do.

Example:  This was from a comment posted by "anonymous".  She wanted to use this example because she thinks there are a lot of us that are right here.  This is an 18 months old child...not a bad child or a bad mother.

At the last minute, I'm taking you up on your promise to answer questions posted to the blog this week. I have a 1 1/2 yr. old who I know is a flaming red personality. I know you said you can't always tell when they're that small, but if the shoe fits...

Anyway, this child screams at the top of his lungs all the time. He screams if he wants something, he screams to be held, he screams even if I'm holding him, and I cannot handle it for one more second. It is a loud, shrill, who's child is that? scream. The kind that makes the bishop stop mid-sentence and look up to see who dared to let a child that loud into the the church.

He doesn't like to be restrained, so at the store, while seat belted into the shopping cart, he screams the whole time because he wants to get out. I had a lady walk from across the store to make sure I wasn't hurting him once, and when she followed me long enough to see that he was safely strapped into the cart and that he was screaming for no apparent reason, she came up to me and said, "Wow, I thought he was hurt or something." In the car, he screams because he is trapped in his car seat. I know my husband has to work, but when he goes anywhere for any other reason: fun, church calling, anything, I am secretly mad at him for leaving me alone with the screamer after I've already listened to it all day.

We have tried praying, fasting, ignoring the screaming, yelling back louder than him to get his attention, putting him in time out in his crib, and spanking his mouth. I knew it wouldn't work, but in my sheer frustration, I did it anyway.

I can play with him all day long but when I try to put him down for 15 minutes to get dinner going he'll scream the entire time and try to push me away from the counter. PLEASE HELP ME! I cannot do it anymore.

Go back to the "principles" of a power struggle (#1,2,3 listed above).  

• You cannot make them stop screaming
• You can only control you.
• What you do influences what they do.
•  They will continue to fight because you engage with them.
• We think that if we disengage they win...No they don't.  We are trying to discipline not punish.  We can only discipline when the Holy Ghost is with us.  The Holy Ghost can't be there in a power struggle.
• Withdrawing is not a silent treatment or withholding love.
• You have to disengage...you don't say anything.

In this situation when you are at home, don't play with the child all day.  If you do you are teaching them that they are entitled to all your time.  There need to be moments where you interact (for a moment) and then take a moment away.  The child is not going to be compliant when you begin this.  In fact...their behavior will get worse before it gets better.  The reason is that they know yelling gets your attention.  If you disengage and don't respond, they are going to yell louder and longer because it's always worked that way before.  They will do it with more intensity.  Make sure that when you choose to do this that you don't give in.  If they are still screaming in 30 minutes and you start feeling sorry for them when you give in it validates what they did.  Then they know in the future all they have to do is stay with it longer and you will come.  


With an older child in a power struggle...you need to withdraw and then go back to resolve it the next day.  


In this example if the child is standing between you and the kitchen counter pushing on you while you are trying to fix dinner pick him up and put him in his crib without talking to him.  He is going to scream.  He is not hurt.  Go back to what you were doing, but listen and as soon as they calm down or even take a breath in the screaming and crying go in and ask, "Are you ready to be happy?"  This tells them what you expect and you are encouraging them to be happy.  Will this work the first time?  NO.  When you take them out and they start crying again do the same thing all over without talking.  When they do calm down don't stop dinner and go in and play with them because then they still got exactly what they wanted.  You will have to do this over and over until you train them to do it the right way.


In this example with the car seat or shopping cart...play to take trips without them until they can develop a little better self control.  Find a friend or babysitter that can watch them for 1/2 day and plan to do all your shopping trips during that time.  OR go grocery shopping in the evening when your husband is home and can watch him while you are gone.  This will allow him to see what you go through all day.


Question:  What do you do if you have a child that is keeping everyone else awake at night?
Answer:  Let them scream.  OR  you can put them in your bedroom while you have a CD on in the other room for the other kids to help dampen the sound and give them something else to focus on.  You can then give the misbehaving child the choice of having the hall light on or off.  Eventually they will think that it's not fair that the other kids are getting to listen to a CD.  Then you can give them the choice of "staying in my room" or "going to their room and being quiet so they can listen to the music."

EXAMPLE:
Kari was in the 5th or 6th grade, vibrant red.  She wanted to go to a friend’s house right before dinner.  Sister Tanner said no, now is not a good time.  She explained it with respect.  We will find another time for you to go.  She asked “Why can’t I go?”  Sister Tanner said, “We are going to eat in 45 minutes.  There isn’t going to be time.”  (If you explain it again you re-engage.  Knowledge isn't what she is seeking.  You can only control what you do.) If I re-engage I’m going to get mad and she is going to get more intense.  She doesn’t want the reasons she wants her way.  After it went on for awhile Sister Tanner turned off the stove and locked herself in the bathroom.  Kari followed her and yelled, “Don’t you walk away from me.”  You have to stop the power struggle.  You have to disengage.  Kari sat outside the door and kicked it.  She took a bath.  With her ears under the water she couldn't hear Kari.  After about 45 minutes she quieted down.  When Sister tanner opened the door there was Kari and she immediately  started in again.  Sister Tanner walked back into the kitchen and Kari immediately came back and tried to re-engage.  Sister Tanner just looked at her and smiled.  She didn’t say anything.  When she realized she wasn't going to fight or give in she left.  They talked about it the next night.  


Question: How do you resolve it the next night?  
Answer: Sit on their bed, put your arm around them.  Say "Last night was frustrating.  What would you like me to do about it?"  They will say, "Give in."  You say, "I'm not comfortable with that.  What else could we do?"  Come up with some solutions together. 

EXAMPLE:

Sister Tanner took her daughter Kari to Payless to buy Sunday shoes for Easter.  Kari wanted shoes with heels that were too high.  Sister Tanner gave her choice.  You may choose from these styles.  Kari kept going after her about why she couldn’t have the high heels.  Sister Tanner walked away and said, “I’m going to see if they have anything in my size.”  Kari followed her.  Sister Tanner finally said, “I’m going to sit in the car until you make the choice.”  Finally 45 minutes later she came out to the car.  She was still arguing.  Sister Tanner said, “Get in and let’s talk about it.”  She got in, the door was locked and they left.  Sister Tanner told her that she was out of time, and she had things to finish at home.   Kari kept trying to make a deal the whole way home.  After dinner Kari came to her and said, “Fine, I’ll buy the ones that you want.”  Sister Tanner told her, “I’m out of time right now, but I will be glad to take you next Saturday.”  Kari threw a fit.  The next day she wore her tennis shoes to church instead of new Sunday shoes.  The next time they went to the shoe store Kari was much more compliant.  You can say, "I'm sorry."  Because you are sorry...  You are sorry that she will be embarrassed to wear tennis shoes to church.  You are sorry she chose to act that way.  Don't take the blame on yourself.  
A class member said that she had a daughter that would do this very thing.  Class member would then say, "You wasted 45 minutes of my time so I'm behind now.  Here are 4 things you can do to help me make up my time."  Sister Tanner said this is based on revenge.  You are trying to get even with them.  That is the difference between punishment and discipline.   When your intent is to get even you lose.  


Discipline can only take place on a foundation of respect.  How do you build that foundation of respect?
Build a positive relationship with the child.    

• Don't back them into a corner. 
• Example:  If you see that a child has been eating Oreo cookies don't say, "Have you been eating Oreos"  Their response will be "no".  We set them up to lie by asking that question because they can't tell the truth and maintain their self respect.  They made a mistake.  Instead say, "I see you have been into the Oreo cookies.  We were going to have Oreos for dessert.  It looks like you have already had your dessert."  Then have Oreos for dessert even if it wasn't planned.  
• Use eye contact.  Get down on their level.  Our size is intimidating.  Don't tower over them.
• Use physical touch.  Let them know you love them even thru correction.  
  

Keep your word

•  Be careful what you say
• Heavenly Father never breaks his word.  
• They learn to not believe the things you say.

Positive discipline

• Stay at level zero
• We are afraid or guilty and we give in.
• Don't discipline from power or guilt

 When asking a child to do something make sure of these 3 things...

1.  Is the child capable? (Emotionally as well as physically)  Do they know how to do the job?  Are they hungry?  Too tired?
2. Do I want it done right now?  Don't ask until you want it done right then.
3. Am I willing to pay the price to have them do it right now?

Move your action line 
You stay at "0".  As time goes on your emotion goes up.  The dotted line is where you actually "do" something.  That's when your children listen to you.  When you actually do something.  Move your action line earlier in time so you can stay at level 0 when asking your children to do something.

You need to respectfully give them time to disengage.  Tell them that in 5 minutes they need to turn the TV off and come help get ready for dinner.  Then in 5 minutes go upstairs and turn the TV off and have them come with you.

A good example of moving the action line.....

Robert D. Hales, "President Henry B. Eyring: Called of God" ensign Jul 2008 pg 8-15 

During their years in Rexburg, Eyring family members grew closer to each other. By then Hal and Kathleen had four sons: Henry J., Stuart, Matthew, and John. Later they would be blessed with two daughters: Elizabeth and Mary Kathleen. But even in a small, rural farm town, Hal and Kathleen had to be vigilant. One of their concerns was the amount and quality of television programming that their sons watched. Henry J., the oldest son, recalls an experience that made a significant difference in the spirit of the Eyring home.

“My brother and I were in front of the TV one Saturday night around midnight,” says Henry J. “A tawdry comedy show that we shouldn’t have been watching was on. The basement room was dark except for the light from the television. Without warning, Mother walked in. She was wearing a white, flowing nightgown and carrying a pair of shears. Making no sound, she reached behind the set, grabbed the cord, and gathered it into a loop. She then inserted the shears and cut the cord with a single stroke. Sparks flew and the set went dead, but not before Mother had turned and glided out of the room.”

Unnerved, Henry J. headed to bed. His innovative brother, however, cut a cord from a broken vacuum and connected it to the television. Soon the boys had plopped back down in front of the television, hardly missing any of their show.

“Mother, however, got the last laugh,” Henry J. says. “When we came home from school the next Monday, we found the television set in the middle of the floor with a huge crack through the thick glass screen. We immediately suspected Mother. When confronted, she responded with a perfectly straight face: ‘I was dusting under the TV, and it slipped.’ ”

TOOLS:  The purpose is to teach correct behavior.  Change your percentages - you will still yell 90% of the time, but that is better than you were doing.  You just have to be trying.  

13.  ROLE PLAY

• This works with any age, but best with young kids if their emotion isn't too high
• You need to give them the dialog
• For teenagers in FHE you have them be the Mom and you be the son/daughter and ask them to clean their room.  
• Make up situations and have them draw it out of a hat and role play it.
• Let them play the adult.

 12.  QUESTIONS

• We need to use this 90% more than we do in our homes.
• You can ask questions that are demanding and defiant.  Be careful of that.
• Make it safe to open up.
• You want their input
• After 8 they should be giving the information back to you 90% of the time.  It's just as good as a lecture. 
• If you ask good questions you will cut the discipline in 1/2 because they will feel validated.
• Questions to ask...How did that make you feel?  What do you think is the right way?  Do you have and ideas how to handle it differently?  
• The object is to get the child thinking and talking.
• If they shrug their shoulders when you ask them a question it's because they aren't use to it.  
• You can can leave things unresolved.  Say, "Why don't you think about it, and tomorrow after dinner we will discuss it again."  You must give them a return and report time and then do it. 
• Every revelation that was given for the D&C was from a question.
• Our kids don't know how to think for themselves and problem solve.  
• Need to create ways to make it happen.
• If you ask good questions you will find out if they know and understand what you ahve taught them.  Their testimony of right and wrong will grow.  You will discover what is inside them.
• Juniors & Seniors in high school should be self governing.  
• Don't have a preconceived answer in mind when you ask a question.

11.  DISTRACT OR CHANGE DIRECTION

• This works for all ages.  We use it the most when they are little, but it works for older kids too. 
• Every little thing doesn't need a punishment.  
• When kids that are 5-6yrs old they are usually just bored.  Give the child a specific idea of what they can do, "Let's get out the art supplies, crayons, paper, stencils, and make a card for Grandma."  They don't actually have to make a card for Grandma, but it gives them a place to start. 
• For Teens...have them make brownies for dinner or cookies.
• Humor works to distract and change directions too.

"Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! And prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you and your boys, however wayward they might be, … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger; do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly: get down and weep with them if necessary, and get them to shed tears with you if possible. Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly towards you. Use no lash and no violence, but argue, or rather reason—approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned."  Joseph F. Smith Love of Mothers & Fathers (Improvement Era 1910)

HOMEWORK:
Try one of these 3 tools this week.

Class 5 (Spring 2012)--Discipline Part 1

This is a week of discovery.  Be aware of yourself this week...no guilt...just discovery.

Bishop Robert D. Hales (Ensign Nov 1993 pg 9)
"In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children.  Children naturally look to their parents to learn of he characteristics of their Heavenly Father.  After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father.

• How you discipline is key in teaching this.
• This happens when we referee our children.  We correct them with good intent.  We teach them to be discouraged because the can't ever do it right.
• Does that mean that I can't correct them?  No they need to be parented with exactness & firmness.

God, Family, and Country pg 224, President Benson

"Parents are directly responsible for the righteous rearing of their children, and this responsibility cannot be safely delegated to relatives, friends, neighbors, the school, or the state.  'I appeal to you parents; take nothing for granted about your children., said President J. Reuben Clark Jr. 'The bulk of them of course are good, but some of us do not know when they begin to go away from the path of truth and righteousness.  Be watchful every day and hour.  Never relax your care, your solicitude.  Rule kindly in the spirit of the Gospel and the spirit of the Priesthood, but rule, if you wish your children to follow the right path.' Permissive parents are part of the problem"

Correct with firmness & quickly.  

Garden of Eden example:  Heavenly Father taught Adam & Eve, gave them a commandment, and the left them.  They blew it.  Adam said, "Eve made me do it."  Eve said, "The serpent made me do it."  Follow the pattern of the Lord for parenting.  He didn't give them a 2nd chance and they didn't get a lecture.  He sent them out of the garden, but didn't leave them alone.  He never withdrew his presence.  He still taught them through the Holy Ghost.  

Our kids feel like we don't like them because they make mistakes over and over.

Story:

There is a young mother with 1 baby.  She is 8-9 months old.  The baby slept with the parents until just recently and then was only moved because she didn't like to sleep with the parents any more.  She was asked how long she was going to nurse. She said, "Until the baby doesn't like it.  When she (the child) is tired of nursing we'll quit."  Who is governing the home?

French parents vs American parents: (This is the link to an article about "Why French parents are superior to American parents.)

• We are too permissive.  We give into out children.  We buy their peace by buying them off with computer time, play time, food, things.  French parents taught their children by telling them "no".  Everything we do teaches them something...good or bad.  French parents don't discipline their children they "educate" them.  

Discipline vs. punishment

• We cannot take away their agency.
• It is the only thing we can give back to our Heavenly Father.
• We need to train/teach our children good behavior.  Our goal is to train them to be self-governing.  This is the key to discipline.

Kids have very few role models.  The world worships movie stars, athletes covered in tatoos, music that is devoid of the Spirit.  Even the Disney channel has kids pairing up at the age of 8 or 9 years old.

Twilight series in not good or uplifting.  It doesn't put good images even in adult minds. 

We need to create a Helaman so they know what "good" is.

Children are given way too little responsibility.  They live a life a leisure. 

Leisure time & instant gratification...those are what teach disrespect in our children.  That coupled with the way we discipline and it's contrary to the way we want.


Boyd K. Packer  1970 Improvement Era pg 106....
"...leave off trying to alter your child just for a little while and concentrate on yourself.  The changes must begin with you, not with your children.  You can't continue to do what you have been doing (even though you thought it was right) and expect to unproduce some behavior in your child, when your conduct was one of the things that produced it....teaching discipline to children, then, requires that parents discipline themselves.  This means becoming Christlike."


Spanking doesn't work.  Yelling doesn't work except to make you feel better for a minute.

We really want to control their behavior.  Reds have very little patience because of power.  Blue parents want to control to help them be good.   Blues stop talking...you lecture forever.


This week focus on you not your spouse.  What do you do when your children misbehave?  You are going to feel really guilty with what you do.  Next week she will give us 13 tools.  One will work for any color.  What is your style?  Do you lecture, nag, send them to their room?


Most parents give way too much freedom at the beginning.  They give their little ones everything.  They try pleasing their child.  They boundaries are really broad and then at age 6 we start to pull their boundaries back in and they fight against it.  


The Lord's plan is to keep the boundaries small until they grow and we can add to it.  They are baptized at 8, priesthood at 12, etc.  More responsibility at they get older.


Reasons Teens Misbehave....11/12 yrs +

• Power
• Thrill (Adrenaline rush) 

Younger children misbehave for mistaken goals.  They they feel like those needs are not being met.  They feel discouraged.

Look at your child and their emotional bank account.  They think..."I'm no good."  "Your mean and that justifies my being me." 

You think you are teaching when you are talking, but that isn't what they are hearing when you tell them what "not" to do.  How often have you been mad at them?  How often have you said something good to them?  That they thought was good?  10:1 (Positives to negatives)

When a younger child misbehaves it's because they are discouraged....

Different levels of Discouragement:

1. Undue Attention
• Child feels that you must be getting your constant attention to reassure him that he still belongs, is okay and loved.
• Parents reaction--you feel annoyed.  Tend to remind & coax
• Need to ignore the incorrect behavior, never give attention on demand
• Encourage belonging & participating through cooperation
• Give attention after situation is diffused and whenever child responds in appropriate manner
• We set our kids up to fail in their marriages because they think someone should always be paying attention to them or they aren't happy.
• Teach your children to play alone.  
• Happiness comes from inside
• When they are doing something right comment on that.  
• Teach your little ones you are coming back.  They can play very short periods of time a lone.  
2. Power
• Child feels important only if he gets his own way; feels if he complies to a stronger power he loses his self worth.
• Parents reaction--you feel angry, provoked.  Tent to fight for control.
• Need to withdraw from the conflict, but refuse to give in;
• Be firm about what "you" will do rather than about what child will do
• Give choices, logical consequences
• Futile to correct verbally, you must act
• When behavior changes, don't punish for power struggle, but rather build on present desire to cooperate.
3. Revenge
• Child feels desire to hurt you since you've hurt them.
• Parents reaction---you feel hurt.  Tend to retaliate and get even.
• Need to live five things that you like about the child to soften your attitude
• Don't take it personally
• Use natural consequences, avoid punishment/retaliation
• build trusting relationship; convince the child that he is loved.
4. I can't
• Child gives up.

You cannot build a positive on a negative foundation!  


Nagging, lecturing are quicksand to their souls.  


Our world teaches self indulgence in everything.  We need to use positive discipline & withdraw instant gratification.  


HOMEWORK:  

1. Watch yourselves and what you do when they misbehave.  What are your feelings when you are disciplining them?  Check your feelings this week.  They are probably feeling defeated and you will to.
2. Watch how often you validate them with positives to negatives....What they think are positives. 

To get rid of the feelings of entitlement....withhold instant gratification, teach them to work, teach them service.

Jeffrey R. Holland, “Within the Clasp of Your Arms,” Ensign, May 1983, 36

Early in our married life my young family and I were laboring through graduate school at a university in New England. Pat was the Relief Society president in our ward, and I was serving in our stake presidency. I was going to school full-time and teaching half-time. We had two small children then, with little money and lots of pressures. In fact, our life was about like yours.

One evening I came home from long hours at school, feeling the proverbial weight of the world on my shoulders. Everything seemed to be especially demanding and discouraging and dark. I wondered if the dawn would ever come. Then, as I walked into our small student apartment, there was an unusual silence in the room. 

“What’s the trouble?” I asked. 

“Matthew has something he wants to tell you,” Pat said. 

“Matt, what do you have to tell me?” He was quietly playing with his toys in the corner of the room, trying very hard not to hear me. “Matt,” I said a little louder, “do you have something to tell me?” 

He stopped playing, but for a moment didn’t look up. Then these two enormous, tear-filled brown eyes turned toward me, and with the pain only a five-year-old can know, he said, “I didn’t mind Mommy tonight, and I spoke back to her.” With that he burst into tears, and his entire little body shook with grief. A childish indiscretion had been noted, a painful confession had been offered, the growth of a five-year-old was continuing, and loving reconciliation could have been wonderfully underway. 

Everything might have been just terrific—except for me. If you can imagine such an idiotic thing, I lost my temper. It wasn’t that I lost it with Matt—it was with a hundred and one other things on my mind; but he didn’t know that, and I wasn’t disciplined enough to admit it. He got the whole load of bricks. 

I told him how disappointed I was and how much more I thought I could have expected from him. I sounded like the parental pygmy I was. Then I did what I had never done before in his life—I told him that he was to go straight to bed and that I would not be in to say his prayers with him or to tell him a bedtime story. Muffling his sobs, he obediently went to his bedside, where he knelt—alone—to say his prayers. Then he stained his little pillow with tears his father should have been wiping away. 

If you think the silence upon my arrival was heavy, you should have felt it now. Pat did not say a word. She didn’t have to. I felt terrible! 

Later, as we knelt by our own bed, my feeble prayer for blessings upon my family fell back on my ears with a horrible, hollow ring. I wanted to get up off my knees right then and go to Matt and ask his forgiveness, but he was long since peacefully asleep. 

My relief was not so soon coming; but finally I fell asleep and began to dream, which I seldom do. I dreamed Matt and I were packing two cars for a move. For some reason his mother and baby sister were not present. As we finished I turned to him and said, “Okay, Matt, you drive one car and I’ll drive the other.” 

This five-year-old very obediently crawled up on the seat and tried to grasp the massive steering wheel. I walked over to the other car and started the motor. As I began to pull away, I looked to see how my son was doing. He was trying—oh, how he was trying. He tried to reach the pedals, but he couldn’t. He was also turning knobs and pushing buttons, trying to start the motor. He could scarcely be seen over the dashboard, but there staring out at me again were those same immense, tear-filled, beautiful brown eyes. As I pulled away, he cried out, “Daddy, don’t leave me. I don’t know how to do it. I am too little.” And I drove away. 

A short time later, driving down that desert road in my dream, I suddenly realized in one stark, horrifying moment what I had done. I slammed my car to a stop, threw open the door, and started to run as fast as I could. I left car, keys, belongings, and all—and I ran. The pavement was so hot it burned my feet, and tears blinded my straining effort to see this child somewhere on the horizon. I kept running, praying, pleading to be forgiven and to find my boy safe and secure.

As I rounded a curve nearly ready to drop from physical and emotional exhaustion, I saw the unfamiliar car I had left Matt to drive. It was pulled carefully off to the side of the road, and he was laughing and playing nearby. An older man was with him, playing and responding to his games. Matt saw me and cried out something like, “Hi, Dad. We’re having fun.” Obviously he had already forgiven and forgotten my terrible transgression against him. 

But I dreaded the older man’s gaze, which followed my every move. I tried to say “Thank you,” but his eyes were filled with sorrow and disappointment. I muttered an awkward apology and the stranger said simply, “You should not have left him alone to do this difficult thing. It would not have been asked of you.” 

With that, the dream ended, and I shot upright in bed. My pillow was now stained, whether with perspiration or tears I do not know. I threw off the covers and ran to the little metal camp cot that was my son’s bed. There on my knees and through my tears I cradled him in my arms and spoke to him while he slept. I told him that every dad makes mistakes but that they don’t mean to. I told him it wasn’t his fault I had had a bad day. I told him that when boys are five or fifteen, dads sometimes forget and think they are fifty. I told him that I wanted him to be a small boy for a long, long time, because all too soon he would grow up and be a man and wouldn’t be playing on the floor with his toys when I came home. I told him that I loved him and his mother and his sister more than anything in the world and that whatever challenges we had in life we would face them together. I told him that never again would I withhold my affection or my forgiveness from him, and never, I prayed, would he withhold them from me. I told him I was honored to be his father and that I would try with all my heart to be worthy of such a great responsibility.

Class 4 (Spring 2012)--Self Esteem

Sister Tanner has a daughter-in-law that is very gifted, but when you talk to her one on one she is very down on herself.

Self esteem is how you feel about yourself.  It gives us faith to move forward.  We are capable of putting faith into actions.  It's a feeling of internal "I can" power.  


As parents we have great dreams for our kids.  Sometimes they are unrealistic.  We put them in dance, sports, preschool too early.  They get burned out.  We get overwhelmed with 1 or 2 kids, but by the time we get to 3 they don't get to do anything except be in the car when we are being a taxi service for the other kids.  


Self esteem is not to be the best in everything...sports, academics, looks...this is where the world says self esteem comes from. 


As adults, particularly women we feel like it doesn't matter how good we do it's never enough.  We are never good enough.


That was learned from how we were parented!  When Mom comes in room after it's "cleaned" and says..."You need to finish fixing your bed or picking up your toys, BUT other than that it looks good."  Kids don't hear anything after the BUT.  Mom's intentions are good, but the result is backwards.  It makes us feel like we are never good enough.  

"In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children. Children naturally look to their parents to learn of the characteristics of their Heavenly Father. After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father."  How Will Our Children Remember Us  by Robert D. Hales (Ensign November 1993)

Satan implants the seed that you aren't good enough for the Celestial Kingdom.

STORY:
Sister Tanner's daughter-in-law Joselyn when she was a young girl was very homely.  She had ears that stuck out straight and large.  She had long legs that made her extremely gangly, awkward, & clumsy.  She had a large amount of freckles.  She was the bring of all jokes.  The kids were cruel to her.  She felt inadequate.  She was smart in academics, but not #1.  She never felt good enough.  She didn't have any friends.

Her mother decided to step in and help her redefine herself.  She put her in tennis lessons.  After awhile she learned to control her body.  Her mother started her in piano lessons to give her something for herself.  She became very good.  One of her teachers is a professor at BYU.  As a teenager her mother decided to enter her in Jr. Miss in Utah.  One of their things was to do a project of service.  She did it well.  Her mother pushed her to enter the Ms. Farmington pageant.  She took her to a plastic surgeon to have her ears fixed.  She won the Ms. Farmington pageant.

She entered the Ms. Utah pageant.  She was wining it all.  She had made her own swimsuit that was modest.  She had long legs and looked good in her swimsuit.  While they were in the pageant they lived with a host family and couldn't have any contact with their friends or family.  She won the swimsuit competition and the interview competition.  It looked like she was going to win.  She was engaged at the time which was allowed.  You just couldn't be married.  There were 8 contestants engaged.  The 2nd to the last night the Ms. Utah pageant panel of directors called her in to talk to her.  They told her that if she won she would have to break her engagement because she would belong to them for a year.

She couldn't talk to her Mom or her finance.  She didn't know what to do.  Those feelings of inadequacy came flooding back.  She decided to pray.  She said, "Give me an answer."  She opened her scriptures to...

D&C 25:14-15 "Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.Keep my commandments continually, and a crown of righteousness thou shalt receive. And except thou do this, where I am you cannot come."

She went back to the board and told them that she would not give up her finance.  They told her that she would publicly have to give back her scholarship.  She could also choose to continue on in the pageant, but she wouldn't be judged and couldn't win.  She decided to continue on in the pageant.  That night she walked across the stage and returned her scholarship.  She never said why she was returning it.  She finished the pageant and didn't win.  3 weeks later she married Sister Tanner's son.  She had an eternal crown.  It was the crown she wanted.

That's self esteem.  Where do you get that courage from?

HOMEWORK:  Read "Beware of Pride"  President Ezra T. Benson  Ensign April 1989  This is a great talk about false self esteem.  It is based on..."If you succeed I fail."Our children feel that value comes only when they are better than someone else.  Need to read this talk at least 2x each year.  Read it for yourself.  Read it for your teenagers to see where they are.

What does build self esteem?  What do I do as a parent to fortify my kids?

Parental validation is a powerful impact on your children.  Need to give more positives than negatives.  You need to fill their emotional bank account.  We only put in a few positives, but we withdrawn lots of negatives like, "Why isn't your coat on yet."  "How many times do I have to tell you..." "Thank you for finally coming to family prayer"  Most children are overdrawn.  We take out more than we put in.  

We are focused on reactive parenting.  We need to change the ration of positives to negatives.  They need to feel accepted and loved.  

Helping Children Develop Feelings of Self Worth by Bruce Chadwick & Brent Top 

"Our study showed that the young people with the strongest feelings of self-worth gained this confidence through gospel learning and spiritual experiences that took place primarily in the home. Regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening are cornerstones for establishing a household of faith. All of these activities are closely associated with stronger feelings of confidence in youth.

It appears that a spiritual home environment, coupled with involvement in Church activities and programs, guides young people to know the truthfulness of the gospel for themselves."

"We found that those young people who regularly prayed and studied the scriptures on their own felt the Spirit more often in their lives and reported stronger feelings of individual worth and confidence. “We parents need to take seriously our responsibility to provide religious training in the home so that our children will in turn take religion seriously and personally,” taught Elder Joe J. Christensen, then of the Seventy."

"Our results also identified two specific things parents can do to reinforce their children’s spiritual and emotional confidence and help them meet the challenges of today’s difficult world: (1) strengthen the spiritual environment of the home, and (2) maintain a strong, loving relationship with each child."

1.  Strengthen the spiritual environment of home:
Seek Learning by Faith by David A Bednar
"Nephi teaches us, “When a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth [the message] unto the hearts of the children of men” (2 Nephi 33:1). Please notice how the power of the Spirit carries the message unto but not necessarily into the heart. A teacher can explain, demonstrate, persuade, and testify, and do so with great spiritual power and effectiveness. Ultimately, however, the content of a message and the witness of the Holy Ghost penetrate into the heart only if a receiver allows them to enter. Learning by faith opens the pathway into the heart."

We are each individually responsible to opening the door of our heart to allow the Spirit into our heart.  Your children have their agency.  You as a parent need to bring their spirit "unto" so they can open their heart to bring it "into".

Individually they need to pray and do their own personal scriptures study then it is "into".

We need to do family prayer & scripture study to set the atmosphere, but then we need to encourage them to go beyond that and do it for themselves.  We need to challenge them to do it on their own. 

Practices:

• Each needs their own Conference Ensign for their personal study
• One way to implement personal scripture reading is to add it to their job list.  When they have it finished they come tell Mom what they learned or read about.
• Establish a bedtime and send them to rooms 30 minutes early so they can read their scriptures for 15 minutes and then return & report to Mom when she tucks them in during the last 15 minutes.

Teenagers will stay out of trouble more if they pray morning & night.

Tender moments when Heavenly Father puts his arms around you and holds you.  This is when you are "not in crisis".  It is like watching a sunset, snowfall, listening to good music.  You are so happy & so grateful.  You can't describe it.  in those moments you feel like you can do anything.  As our children develop this they have more of those moments and they become empowering.

2.  Develop a loving relationship with child
Do your children feel like they can talk to you?
Do they feel safe with you so that they can have an opinion?

"While we cannot know exactly how often and in what manner their parents actually expressed affection, we do know that more than 25 percent felt it did not measure up to what they desired and needed."  Helping Children Develop Feelings of Self Worth by Bruce Chadwick & Brent Top 


How do you develop a loving relationship with your child? (These are practices)

1. Children's self esteem will rarely rise above mothers.  You need to examine your own self esteem and seek to improve it.  You don't have to be perfect just on the right road.
2. Help children discover their spiritual gift(s).  Pray to know what they are and help them identify their gift.  Acknowledge them and help them see their gift.  Tell them when you think you did something well.  When you do that it allows them permission to give themselves credit when they have done something right.
3. Fall in love with them individually.  That's easy as a newborn baby, but what about now?  See their good traits.
4. Learn how to problem solve.  Ask them questions and don't give the answers.  Cheer for them as they figure out how to fix things themselves.
5. Positive Discipline (2 classes-4 hours worth coming up)
6. Eliminate self gratification.  Don't give them too much.
7. Turn off electronics.  Have a time out from them.  Set limits.  Watch your own use.  You model respectful use especially in church meetings, FHE, & scripture study.  If you are in the middle of conversation with your child don't stop to answer the phone or text someone else.  They get the idea that the other person is more important than them.  The only exception would be your spouse.  However, even that should be rare.
8. Eliminate competition
9. Teach them to serve others.

HOMEWORK:

• Read "Pride" talk
• Look at one child each day.  Find out what they like.  Who are they?  Fall in love with them all over again.  Write it down.  Pray for them. 
• You have until the end of February to make each child feel like they are your favorite child.  Individually they should feel like they are your favorite without the competition with each other.

Letter from lady who took the class:  She had 3 sons 14, 12, 7, daughter 10.  They were really struggling at home.  The answer was to love her children more efficiently not change the way she was disciplining them.  She had not loved them enough.  She gave them a personal good morning to each one.  1-2 minute visit after school.  Favorite treat.  Top chef...choose menu & cook it.  Mini date night 1x each week.  Volunteer in their class room.  Weekly lunch date with oldest son.  The change is as different as night and day.  They are communicating.  They play games together.  The attitude of the family changed after accepting the challenge to "love each child" more.  She is looking for more ways of "one-on-one favoritism" with her husband and each child.

 

Class 3 (Spring 2012)--Color Code---FOLLOW UP

Red & blue are both really strong personalities.

Red will fight because they are right.

Blue will fight because it's the Lord's way and it's right.

The children at the highest risk for problems with immorality are yellow & red.  Yellow because they follow the crowd and want to be liked.  Red because if you set too many rigid rules they will defy you just to prove they are in control.

Blues are the ones you have to worry about the least.  They want to do what's right.  They are prone to guilt if they don't do what's right.

White parents are permissive
Red parents are bossy.
Yellow parents forget to teach.
Blue parents talk too much.

You have it within your power to break the spirit of your white child.  They quit.  You need to deal with them with kindness & gentleness.  Once they quit it's hard to get them moving agian.

If you are a red parent and have a red child be careful that you aren't so strong you drive a wedge in between you.  Reds move you just have to keep them moving in the right direction.

Take one child per day this week.  Watch them.  Study them.  Go back to the syllabus and figure out how to parent them.  Write it down and keep it in a notebook.  See if you think they follow the syllabus.  Make it a discovery day for that child.  You need to be spiritually emotionally in tune on that day for that child.  Learn about them.  Fall in love with them all over again.  Do it with prayer!

_____________________________________
Sister Tanner said that she would like to see more posting and "interaction" on the blog.  She is willing to answer questions that are posted here.

Tell us about the "rainbow" colors in your family, your color, boys/girls and ages, and which one is your biggest challenge right now.