Class 4 (Spring 2012)--Self Esteem

Sister Tanner has a daughter-in-law that is very gifted, but when you talk to her one on one she is very down on herself.

Self esteem is how you feel about yourself.  It gives us faith to move forward.  We are capable of putting faith into actions.  It's a feeling of internal "I can" power.  


As parents we have great dreams for our kids.  Sometimes they are unrealistic.  We put them in dance, sports, preschool too early.  They get burned out.  We get overwhelmed with 1 or 2 kids, but by the time we get to 3 they don't get to do anything except be in the car when we are being a taxi service for the other kids.  


Self esteem is not to be the best in everything...sports, academics, looks...this is where the world says self esteem comes from. 


As adults, particularly women we feel like it doesn't matter how good we do it's never enough.  We are never good enough.


That was learned from how we were parented!  When Mom comes in room after it's "cleaned" and says..."You need to finish fixing your bed or picking up your toys, BUT other than that it looks good."  Kids don't hear anything after the BUT.  Mom's intentions are good, but the result is backwards.  It makes us feel like we are never good enough.  

"In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children. Children naturally look to their parents to learn of the characteristics of their Heavenly Father. After they come to love, respect, and have confidence in their earthly parents, they often unknowingly develop the same feelings towards their Heavenly Father."  How Will Our Children Remember Us  by Robert D. Hales (Ensign November 1993)

Satan implants the seed that you aren't good enough for the Celestial Kingdom.

STORY:
Sister Tanner's daughter-in-law Joselyn when she was a young girl was very homely.  She had ears that stuck out straight and large.  She had long legs that made her extremely gangly, awkward, & clumsy.  She had a large amount of freckles.  She was the bring of all jokes.  The kids were cruel to her.  She felt inadequate.  She was smart in academics, but not #1.  She never felt good enough.  She didn't have any friends.

Her mother decided to step in and help her redefine herself.  She put her in tennis lessons.  After awhile she learned to control her body.  Her mother started her in piano lessons to give her something for herself.  She became very good.  One of her teachers is a professor at BYU.  As a teenager her mother decided to enter her in Jr. Miss in Utah.  One of their things was to do a project of service.  She did it well.  Her mother pushed her to enter the Ms. Farmington pageant.  She took her to a plastic surgeon to have her ears fixed.  She won the Ms. Farmington pageant.

She entered the Ms. Utah pageant.  She was wining it all.  She had made her own swimsuit that was modest.  She had long legs and looked good in her swimsuit.  While they were in the pageant they lived with a host family and couldn't have any contact with their friends or family.  She won the swimsuit competition and the interview competition.  It looked like she was going to win.  She was engaged at the time which was allowed.  You just couldn't be married.  There were 8 contestants engaged.  The 2nd to the last night the Ms. Utah pageant panel of directors called her in to talk to her.  They told her that if she won she would have to break her engagement because she would belong to them for a year.

She couldn't talk to her Mom or her finance.  She didn't know what to do.  Those feelings of inadequacy came flooding back.  She decided to pray.  She said, "Give me an answer."  She opened her scriptures to...

D&C 25:14-15 "Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.Keep my commandments continually, and a crown of righteousness thou shalt receive. And except thou do this, where I am you cannot come."

She went back to the board and told them that she would not give up her finance.  They told her that she would publicly have to give back her scholarship.  She could also choose to continue on in the pageant, but she wouldn't be judged and couldn't win.  She decided to continue on in the pageant.  That night she walked across the stage and returned her scholarship.  She never said why she was returning it.  She finished the pageant and didn't win.  3 weeks later she married Sister Tanner's son.  She had an eternal crown.  It was the crown she wanted.

That's self esteem.  Where do you get that courage from?

HOMEWORK:  Read "Beware of Pride"  President Ezra T. Benson  Ensign April 1989  This is a great talk about false self esteem.  It is based on..."If you succeed I fail."Our children feel that value comes only when they are better than someone else.  Need to read this talk at least 2x each year.  Read it for yourself.  Read it for your teenagers to see where they are.

What does build self esteem?  What do I do as a parent to fortify my kids?

Parental validation is a powerful impact on your children.  Need to give more positives than negatives.  You need to fill their emotional bank account.  We only put in a few positives, but we withdrawn lots of negatives like, "Why isn't your coat on yet."  "How many times do I have to tell you..." "Thank you for finally coming to family prayer"  Most children are overdrawn.  We take out more than we put in.  

We are focused on reactive parenting.  We need to change the ration of positives to negatives.  They need to feel accepted and loved.  

Helping Children Develop Feelings of Self Worth by Bruce Chadwick & Brent Top 

"Our study showed that the young people with the strongest feelings of self-worth gained this confidence through gospel learning and spiritual experiences that took place primarily in the home. Regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening are cornerstones for establishing a household of faith. All of these activities are closely associated with stronger feelings of confidence in youth.

It appears that a spiritual home environment, coupled with involvement in Church activities and programs, guides young people to know the truthfulness of the gospel for themselves."

"We found that those young people who regularly prayed and studied the scriptures on their own felt the Spirit more often in their lives and reported stronger feelings of individual worth and confidence. “We parents need to take seriously our responsibility to provide religious training in the home so that our children will in turn take religion seriously and personally,” taught Elder Joe J. Christensen, then of the Seventy."

"Our results also identified two specific things parents can do to reinforce their children’s spiritual and emotional confidence and help them meet the challenges of today’s difficult world: (1) strengthen the spiritual environment of the home, and (2) maintain a strong, loving relationship with each child."

1.  Strengthen the spiritual environment of home:
Seek Learning by Faith by David A Bednar
"Nephi teaches us, “When a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth [the message] unto the hearts of the children of men” (2 Nephi 33:1). Please notice how the power of the Spirit carries the message unto but not necessarily into the heart. A teacher can explain, demonstrate, persuade, and testify, and do so with great spiritual power and effectiveness. Ultimately, however, the content of a message and the witness of the Holy Ghost penetrate into the heart only if a receiver allows them to enter. Learning by faith opens the pathway into the heart."

We are each individually responsible to opening the door of our heart to allow the Spirit into our heart.  Your children have their agency.  You as a parent need to bring their spirit "unto" so they can open their heart to bring it "into".

Individually they need to pray and do their own personal scriptures study then it is "into".

We need to do family prayer & scripture study to set the atmosphere, but then we need to encourage them to go beyond that and do it for themselves.  We need to challenge them to do it on their own. 

Practices:

• Each needs their own Conference Ensign for their personal study
• One way to implement personal scripture reading is to add it to their job list.  When they have it finished they come tell Mom what they learned or read about.
• Establish a bedtime and send them to rooms 30 minutes early so they can read their scriptures for 15 minutes and then return & report to Mom when she tucks them in during the last 15 minutes.

Teenagers will stay out of trouble more if they pray morning & night.

Tender moments when Heavenly Father puts his arms around you and holds you.  This is when you are "not in crisis".  It is like watching a sunset, snowfall, listening to good music.  You are so happy & so grateful.  You can't describe it.  in those moments you feel like you can do anything.  As our children develop this they have more of those moments and they become empowering.

2.  Develop a loving relationship with child
Do your children feel like they can talk to you?
Do they feel safe with you so that they can have an opinion?

"While we cannot know exactly how often and in what manner their parents actually expressed affection, we do know that more than 25 percent felt it did not measure up to what they desired and needed."  Helping Children Develop Feelings of Self Worth by Bruce Chadwick & Brent Top 


How do you develop a loving relationship with your child? (These are practices)

1. Children's self esteem will rarely rise above mothers.  You need to examine your own self esteem and seek to improve it.  You don't have to be perfect just on the right road.
2. Help children discover their spiritual gift(s).  Pray to know what they are and help them identify their gift.  Acknowledge them and help them see their gift.  Tell them when you think you did something well.  When you do that it allows them permission to give themselves credit when they have done something right.
3. Fall in love with them individually.  That's easy as a newborn baby, but what about now?  See their good traits.
4. Learn how to problem solve.  Ask them questions and don't give the answers.  Cheer for them as they figure out how to fix things themselves.
5. Positive Discipline (2 classes-4 hours worth coming up)
6. Eliminate self gratification.  Don't give them too much.
7. Turn off electronics.  Have a time out from them.  Set limits.  Watch your own use.  You model respectful use especially in church meetings, FHE, & scripture study.  If you are in the middle of conversation with your child don't stop to answer the phone or text someone else.  They get the idea that the other person is more important than them.  The only exception would be your spouse.  However, even that should be rare.
8. Eliminate competition
9. Teach them to serve others.

HOMEWORK:

• Read "Pride" talk
• Look at one child each day.  Find out what they like.  Who are they?  Fall in love with them all over again.  Write it down.  Pray for them. 
• You have until the end of February to make each child feel like they are your favorite child.  Individually they should feel like they are your favorite without the competition with each other.

Letter from lady who took the class:  She had 3 sons 14, 12, 7, daughter 10.  They were really struggling at home.  The answer was to love her children more efficiently not change the way she was disciplining them.  She had not loved them enough.  She gave them a personal good morning to each one.  1-2 minute visit after school.  Favorite treat.  Top chef...choose menu & cook it.  Mini date night 1x each week.  Volunteer in their class room.  Weekly lunch date with oldest son.  The change is as different as night and day.  They are communicating.  They play games together.  The attitude of the family changed after accepting the challenge to "love each child" more.  She is looking for more ways of "one-on-one favoritism" with her husband and each child.