Class 6 (Spring 2012)--Discipline Part 2

• We mistakenly think that if we make a child feel bad enough they won't do it again.  This is punishment.  It puts them into fear. 
• We won't do better when we feel worse
• Punishment makes us angry and puts us in revenge.  It will work quickly, but only short term.  The kids will outgrow the effectiveness of punishment.
• Discipline teaches from misbehavior.  It takes time and energy.  They become self governing, but you have to do it at level 0 

Power Struggles:
Remember that power struggle were in the 2nd level of discouragement. 

1. You cannot force another person to do something.
2. In the moment of the battle all you can do is withdraw.
3. Come back at a later time with the Holy Ghost to teach them what they should do.

Example:  This was from a comment posted by "anonymous".  She wanted to use this example because she thinks there are a lot of us that are right here.  This is an 18 months old child...not a bad child or a bad mother.

At the last minute, I'm taking you up on your promise to answer questions posted to the blog this week. I have a 1 1/2 yr. old who I know is a flaming red personality. I know you said you can't always tell when they're that small, but if the shoe fits...

Anyway, this child screams at the top of his lungs all the time. He screams if he wants something, he screams to be held, he screams even if I'm holding him, and I cannot handle it for one more second. It is a loud, shrill, who's child is that? scream. The kind that makes the bishop stop mid-sentence and look up to see who dared to let a child that loud into the the church.

He doesn't like to be restrained, so at the store, while seat belted into the shopping cart, he screams the whole time because he wants to get out. I had a lady walk from across the store to make sure I wasn't hurting him once, and when she followed me long enough to see that he was safely strapped into the cart and that he was screaming for no apparent reason, she came up to me and said, "Wow, I thought he was hurt or something." In the car, he screams because he is trapped in his car seat. I know my husband has to work, but when he goes anywhere for any other reason: fun, church calling, anything, I am secretly mad at him for leaving me alone with the screamer after I've already listened to it all day.

We have tried praying, fasting, ignoring the screaming, yelling back louder than him to get his attention, putting him in time out in his crib, and spanking his mouth. I knew it wouldn't work, but in my sheer frustration, I did it anyway.

I can play with him all day long but when I try to put him down for 15 minutes to get dinner going he'll scream the entire time and try to push me away from the counter. PLEASE HELP ME! I cannot do it anymore.

Go back to the "principles" of a power struggle (#1,2,3 listed above).  

• You cannot make them stop screaming
• You can only control you.
• What you do influences what they do.
•  They will continue to fight because you engage with them.
• We think that if we disengage they win...No they don't.  We are trying to discipline not punish.  We can only discipline when the Holy Ghost is with us.  The Holy Ghost can't be there in a power struggle.
• Withdrawing is not a silent treatment or withholding love.
• You have to disengage...you don't say anything.

In this situation when you are at home, don't play with the child all day.  If you do you are teaching them that they are entitled to all your time.  There need to be moments where you interact (for a moment) and then take a moment away.  The child is not going to be compliant when you begin this.  In fact...their behavior will get worse before it gets better.  The reason is that they know yelling gets your attention.  If you disengage and don't respond, they are going to yell louder and longer because it's always worked that way before.  They will do it with more intensity.  Make sure that when you choose to do this that you don't give in.  If they are still screaming in 30 minutes and you start feeling sorry for them when you give in it validates what they did.  Then they know in the future all they have to do is stay with it longer and you will come.  


With an older child in a power struggle...you need to withdraw and then go back to resolve it the next day.  


In this example if the child is standing between you and the kitchen counter pushing on you while you are trying to fix dinner pick him up and put him in his crib without talking to him.  He is going to scream.  He is not hurt.  Go back to what you were doing, but listen and as soon as they calm down or even take a breath in the screaming and crying go in and ask, "Are you ready to be happy?"  This tells them what you expect and you are encouraging them to be happy.  Will this work the first time?  NO.  When you take them out and they start crying again do the same thing all over without talking.  When they do calm down don't stop dinner and go in and play with them because then they still got exactly what they wanted.  You will have to do this over and over until you train them to do it the right way.


In this example with the car seat or shopping cart...play to take trips without them until they can develop a little better self control.  Find a friend or babysitter that can watch them for 1/2 day and plan to do all your shopping trips during that time.  OR go grocery shopping in the evening when your husband is home and can watch him while you are gone.  This will allow him to see what you go through all day.


Question:  What do you do if you have a child that is keeping everyone else awake at night?
Answer:  Let them scream.  OR  you can put them in your bedroom while you have a CD on in the other room for the other kids to help dampen the sound and give them something else to focus on.  You can then give the misbehaving child the choice of having the hall light on or off.  Eventually they will think that it's not fair that the other kids are getting to listen to a CD.  Then you can give them the choice of "staying in my room" or "going to their room and being quiet so they can listen to the music."

EXAMPLE:
Kari was in the 5th or 6th grade, vibrant red.  She wanted to go to a friend’s house right before dinner.  Sister Tanner said no, now is not a good time.  She explained it with respect.  We will find another time for you to go.  She asked “Why can’t I go?”  Sister Tanner said, “We are going to eat in 45 minutes.  There isn’t going to be time.”  (If you explain it again you re-engage.  Knowledge isn't what she is seeking.  You can only control what you do.) If I re-engage I’m going to get mad and she is going to get more intense.  She doesn’t want the reasons she wants her way.  After it went on for awhile Sister Tanner turned off the stove and locked herself in the bathroom.  Kari followed her and yelled, “Don’t you walk away from me.”  You have to stop the power struggle.  You have to disengage.  Kari sat outside the door and kicked it.  She took a bath.  With her ears under the water she couldn't hear Kari.  After about 45 minutes she quieted down.  When Sister tanner opened the door there was Kari and she immediately  started in again.  Sister Tanner walked back into the kitchen and Kari immediately came back and tried to re-engage.  Sister Tanner just looked at her and smiled.  She didn’t say anything.  When she realized she wasn't going to fight or give in she left.  They talked about it the next night.  


Question: How do you resolve it the next night?  
Answer: Sit on their bed, put your arm around them.  Say "Last night was frustrating.  What would you like me to do about it?"  They will say, "Give in."  You say, "I'm not comfortable with that.  What else could we do?"  Come up with some solutions together. 

EXAMPLE:

Sister Tanner took her daughter Kari to Payless to buy Sunday shoes for Easter.  Kari wanted shoes with heels that were too high.  Sister Tanner gave her choice.  You may choose from these styles.  Kari kept going after her about why she couldn’t have the high heels.  Sister Tanner walked away and said, “I’m going to see if they have anything in my size.”  Kari followed her.  Sister Tanner finally said, “I’m going to sit in the car until you make the choice.”  Finally 45 minutes later she came out to the car.  She was still arguing.  Sister Tanner said, “Get in and let’s talk about it.”  She got in, the door was locked and they left.  Sister Tanner told her that she was out of time, and she had things to finish at home.   Kari kept trying to make a deal the whole way home.  After dinner Kari came to her and said, “Fine, I’ll buy the ones that you want.”  Sister Tanner told her, “I’m out of time right now, but I will be glad to take you next Saturday.”  Kari threw a fit.  The next day she wore her tennis shoes to church instead of new Sunday shoes.  The next time they went to the shoe store Kari was much more compliant.  You can say, "I'm sorry."  Because you are sorry...  You are sorry that she will be embarrassed to wear tennis shoes to church.  You are sorry she chose to act that way.  Don't take the blame on yourself.  
A class member said that she had a daughter that would do this very thing.  Class member would then say, "You wasted 45 minutes of my time so I'm behind now.  Here are 4 things you can do to help me make up my time."  Sister Tanner said this is based on revenge.  You are trying to get even with them.  That is the difference between punishment and discipline.   When your intent is to get even you lose.  


Discipline can only take place on a foundation of respect.  How do you build that foundation of respect?
Build a positive relationship with the child.    

• Don't back them into a corner. 
• Example:  If you see that a child has been eating Oreo cookies don't say, "Have you been eating Oreos"  Their response will be "no".  We set them up to lie by asking that question because they can't tell the truth and maintain their self respect.  They made a mistake.  Instead say, "I see you have been into the Oreo cookies.  We were going to have Oreos for dessert.  It looks like you have already had your dessert."  Then have Oreos for dessert even if it wasn't planned.  
• Use eye contact.  Get down on their level.  Our size is intimidating.  Don't tower over them.
• Use physical touch.  Let them know you love them even thru correction.  
  

Keep your word

•  Be careful what you say
• Heavenly Father never breaks his word.  
• They learn to not believe the things you say.

Positive discipline

• Stay at level zero
• We are afraid or guilty and we give in.
• Don't discipline from power or guilt

 When asking a child to do something make sure of these 3 things...

1.  Is the child capable? (Emotionally as well as physically)  Do they know how to do the job?  Are they hungry?  Too tired?
2. Do I want it done right now?  Don't ask until you want it done right then.
3. Am I willing to pay the price to have them do it right now?

Move your action line 
You stay at "0".  As time goes on your emotion goes up.  The dotted line is where you actually "do" something.  That's when your children listen to you.  When you actually do something.  Move your action line earlier in time so you can stay at level 0 when asking your children to do something.

You need to respectfully give them time to disengage.  Tell them that in 5 minutes they need to turn the TV off and come help get ready for dinner.  Then in 5 minutes go upstairs and turn the TV off and have them come with you.

A good example of moving the action line.....

Robert D. Hales, "President Henry B. Eyring: Called of God" ensign Jul 2008 pg 8-15 

During their years in Rexburg, Eyring family members grew closer to each other. By then Hal and Kathleen had four sons: Henry J., Stuart, Matthew, and John. Later they would be blessed with two daughters: Elizabeth and Mary Kathleen. But even in a small, rural farm town, Hal and Kathleen had to be vigilant. One of their concerns was the amount and quality of television programming that their sons watched. Henry J., the oldest son, recalls an experience that made a significant difference in the spirit of the Eyring home.

“My brother and I were in front of the TV one Saturday night around midnight,” says Henry J. “A tawdry comedy show that we shouldn’t have been watching was on. The basement room was dark except for the light from the television. Without warning, Mother walked in. She was wearing a white, flowing nightgown and carrying a pair of shears. Making no sound, she reached behind the set, grabbed the cord, and gathered it into a loop. She then inserted the shears and cut the cord with a single stroke. Sparks flew and the set went dead, but not before Mother had turned and glided out of the room.”

Unnerved, Henry J. headed to bed. His innovative brother, however, cut a cord from a broken vacuum and connected it to the television. Soon the boys had plopped back down in front of the television, hardly missing any of their show.

“Mother, however, got the last laugh,” Henry J. says. “When we came home from school the next Monday, we found the television set in the middle of the floor with a huge crack through the thick glass screen. We immediately suspected Mother. When confronted, she responded with a perfectly straight face: ‘I was dusting under the TV, and it slipped.’ ”

TOOLS:  The purpose is to teach correct behavior.  Change your percentages - you will still yell 90% of the time, but that is better than you were doing.  You just have to be trying.  

13.  ROLE PLAY

• This works with any age, but best with young kids if their emotion isn't too high
• You need to give them the dialog
• For teenagers in FHE you have them be the Mom and you be the son/daughter and ask them to clean their room.  
• Make up situations and have them draw it out of a hat and role play it.
• Let them play the adult.

 12.  QUESTIONS

• We need to use this 90% more than we do in our homes.
• You can ask questions that are demanding and defiant.  Be careful of that.
• Make it safe to open up.
• You want their input
• After 8 they should be giving the information back to you 90% of the time.  It's just as good as a lecture. 
• If you ask good questions you will cut the discipline in 1/2 because they will feel validated.
• Questions to ask...How did that make you feel?  What do you think is the right way?  Do you have and ideas how to handle it differently?  
• The object is to get the child thinking and talking.
• If they shrug their shoulders when you ask them a question it's because they aren't use to it.  
• You can can leave things unresolved.  Say, "Why don't you think about it, and tomorrow after dinner we will discuss it again."  You must give them a return and report time and then do it. 
• Every revelation that was given for the D&C was from a question.
• Our kids don't know how to think for themselves and problem solve.  
• Need to create ways to make it happen.
• If you ask good questions you will find out if they know and understand what you ahve taught them.  Their testimony of right and wrong will grow.  You will discover what is inside them.
• Juniors & Seniors in high school should be self governing.  
• Don't have a preconceived answer in mind when you ask a question.

11.  DISTRACT OR CHANGE DIRECTION

• This works for all ages.  We use it the most when they are little, but it works for older kids too. 
• Every little thing doesn't need a punishment.  
• When kids that are 5-6yrs old they are usually just bored.  Give the child a specific idea of what they can do, "Let's get out the art supplies, crayons, paper, stencils, and make a card for Grandma."  They don't actually have to make a card for Grandma, but it gives them a place to start. 
• For Teens...have them make brownies for dinner or cookies.
• Humor works to distract and change directions too.

"Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! And prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. For your own sake, for the love that should exist between you and your boys, however wayward they might be, … when you speak or talk to them, do it not in anger; do it not harshly, in a condemning spirit. Speak to them kindly: get down and weep with them if necessary, and get them to shed tears with you if possible. Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly towards you. Use no lash and no violence, but argue, or rather reason—approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned."  Joseph F. Smith Love of Mothers & Fathers (Improvement Era 1910)

HOMEWORK:
Try one of these 3 tools this week.