Class 7 (Spring 2012)--Discipline Part 3

If your children say, "I hate you!"  "I wish I was never born!"  Don't deal with what they say in a temper tantrum.  They are subconsciously trying to hurt you.  You can acknowledge their feelings, "You are really frustrated."

President Hinckley October 1993 October Conference pg 54

Not long after we were married, we built our first home. We had very little money. I did much of the work myself. It would be called “sweat equity” today. The landscaping was entirely my responsibility. The first of many trees that I planted was a thornless honey locust. Envisioning the day when its filtered shade would assist in cooling the house in the summertime, I put it in a place at the corner where the wind from the canyon to the east blew the hardest. I dug a hole, put in the bare root, put soil around it, poured on water, and largely forgot it. It was only a wisp of a tree, perhaps three-quarters of an inch in diameter. It was so supple that I could bend it with ease in any direction. I paid little attention to it as the years passed.

Then one winter day, when the tree was barren of leaves, I chanced to look out the window at it. I noticed that it was leaning to the west, misshapen and out of balance. I could scarcely believe it. I went out and braced myself against it as if to push it upright. But the trunk was now nearly a foot in diameter. My strength was as nothing against it. I took from my toolshed a block and tackle. Attaching one end to the tree and another to a well-set post, I pulled the rope. The pulleys moved a little, and the trunk of the tree trembled slightly. But that was all. It seemed to say, “You can’t straighten me. It’s too late. I’ve grown this way because of your neglect, and I will not bend.”

Finally in desperation I took my saw and cut off the great heavy branch on the west side. The saw left an ugly scar, more than eight inches across. I stepped back and surveyed what I had done. I had cut off the major part of the tree, leaving only one branch growing skyward.

More than half a century has passed since I planted that tree. My daughter and her family live there now. The other day I looked again at the tree. It is large. Its shape is better. It is a great asset to the home. But how serious was the trauma of its youth and how brutal the treatment I used to straighten it.

When it was first planted, a piece of string would have held it in place against the forces of the wind. I could have and should have supplied that string with ever so little effort. But I did not, and it bent to the forces that came against it.

I have seen a similar thing, many times, in children whose lives I have observed. The parents who brought them into the world seem almost to have abdicated their responsibility. The results have been tragic. A few simple anchors would have given them the strength to withstand the forces that have shaped their lives. Now it appears it is too late.

Elder Bednar said to correct "early on" meaning early in life and early in the even.  Correct early on with sharpness.  Sharpness = Exactness.  Deal with one thing at a time.  When you are talking to your child and they lie to you focus on the original problem or the lying not both.  Don't correct harsher than you have the energy to heal.

10.  TIME OUT

• We use it right now to get them out of your time.  Your purpose is to send them away.  
• Holy Ghost is not there with screaming and yelling.  We are trying to teach and they aren't getting it.
• We are usually really unhappy with them.
• Purpose is to give them time to cool down so you can teach them.
• We send them away and they stop crying.  Then they come back and we don't teach.  We need to teach them the principle with touch...a hug or on your lap.
• When they calm down, teach then invite them back into socialization

Question:  Is it ok to put your child with their nose in the corner?
Answer:  No.  This is not discipline.  It is punishment.  It is demeaning.

• One mom sent her daughter to her room for a time out and she was in there singing and dancing.  This mad the Mom mad.  If they are singing and dancing they are calm you can go in and teach.  

Question:  How do you keep teaching from being a lecture?
Answer:  Stop talking so much.  Use questions to get them to say the same things you would have said to them.  "Why do you think Mom was upset?"  "What do you think happened out there?"  "What could we do differently?"  Have them talk to you.  Make sure you validate your love for them and your faith in them that they can do it right the next time.

• We never outgrown time out. 
• With older kids you can say..."We aren't going to talk about that right now.  Let's talk about it tomorrow."  Make sure you come back and talk.

Question:  What do you do if time outs don't work?
Answer:  We get hung up on a specific tool.  If one tool doesn't work pick a different one.  There are 13 to choose from.

• Time out is short term.  Don't abuse it.  It's not a power trip for you. 
• To "validate" them that simply means saying something positive when they come back together. 

9.  LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES:

• Most misused
• Every act does not need a consequence.  If it's not done right they just need to do it again.

Rules for logical consequences:
1.  It has to be related to the incident.
Example:  They are misusing the TV and you tell them they can't go to their friend's house for the next 2 weeks.  It is not related.

2.  It has to be respectful to both the child and the parent.
Example:  Child is playing at the neighbors and is causing trouble.  You tell them that for the next 2 weeks they have to stay inside.  The parent is the one that has the consequence and is being punished.
3.  It has to have reasonable terms.  Don't make them too long.

• As children get older you don't have to apply a consequence on the spot.  You can come back after thinking about it.  
• The logical consequence is to help the child remember the teaching not for them to fear you.
• We make consequences punishment
• Teens have the right and the responsibility to choose their own consequences.  

Example:  Nathan is a really good kid.  He was on seminary counsel.  He did what he was supposed to do.  He came home and asked if he could go to Salt Lake for General Conference with the seminary counsel. He really wanted to see the prophet in person.  He told her that they would be staying with someone's married sister.  The girls would be upstairs the boys downstairs.  They would be going together in a van.  Everything was taken care of.  She agreed that he could go. The plan was Sister Tanner would meet him and bring him home.  He left.  She went to the store and ran into one of the other members of the seminary counsel.  Sister Tanner asked her why she didn't go to Salt Lake.  The girl told her that the trip had been cancelled.  Sister Tanner was mad.  She wasn't sure how she was going to handle the situation.  She went to Utah.  Nathan pulled up in a car and jumped out.  The whole way home he talked and talked and talked.  He's not normally very talkative.  He talked about conference and she should tell that he had listened to all of the sessions of conference.  She just let him talk.  She didn't tell him that she knew he had gone with someone other than the seminary counsel.  When they got home they went inside and within a few minutes Nathan came to her and said, "Mom I need to talk to you."  Even after all the other talking he had already done.  So they went for a walk and he started sobbing.  He told her that he had lied to her.  He told her that the trip had gotten cancelled, but he wanted to see the prophet so badly and he knew that she wouldn't let him go.  He told her that he had gone with another friend who had borrowed the car from his parents and a couple of friends that were girls.  They had separate sleeping arrangements.  They didn't go to Conference, but he did.  He had them drop him off and he went to every session including the priesthood session.  They agreed to meet the next night and discuss a consequence for his choices.  She told Brother Tanner not to talk because he was mad and she didn't want to ruin the teaching moment.  Nate started out telling her that the other kids had gotten a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again.  She said, "I'm not comfortable with that."  What do you think we should do.  He said that he thought he should be grounded for 2 weeks.  So that would be 2 weeks from Monday.  They agreed.  He followed the rules and came home everyday after school.  A few days before the end of his 2 weeks he came to Sister Tanner and said, "Mom, I know I said I would give you 2 weeks, but my senior prom is this Saturday.  If you will give me just that 1 night I will give you another week."  She said, "No."  He said, "Ok."  The seminary teacher called her and said, "I know you told Nate he can't go to prom, but we have this new girl and could he please just take her."  She still said, "No."  When graduated and left for college at BYU as she was getting ready to leave he said, "Mom, Do you remember when you didn't let me go to prom?  I'm grateful that you didn't let me go.  If you had let me go I wouldn't have been able to trust you.  I know that what is say is true."

There were very few rules in the Tanner household, but the ones that they had were firm.
Tanner Rule:  When they present a request they have to answer the "W's"  Where, When, Who, What.  If they can't answer those they have to go find the answers and then come back with them.

Tanner Rule:  If your friend asks permission for you the answer will always be no.

• The logical consequence of the job not being done right is to re-do the job.

8.  NATURAL CONSEQUENCES:

• We become hovering helicopters that rescue our children.  
• Example:  If you forget your lunch...you are hungry.  If you forget your gym clothes...you get a zero for the day.  

Natural Consequence Rules:
1.  Be on their side.  You can't say, "I told you so."  When you do it becomes punishment and loses it's value.
2.  Don't rescue them.

EXAMPLE:   These parents were trying to teach their children the value of money.  The kids worked all summer long and were given their money for school clothes.  They went to the mall and let them go shopping.  This is after they taught them good values and helped them understand that they were buying their school clothes.  One daughter only wanted the best name brand things, but ended up buying off the sale rack.  She had lots of clothes.  They had "show and tell" when they got home.  When it got to the younger boy he pulled out a skateboard.  That's what he had bought.  (Remember rules #1 & #2).  They refrained from the lecture.  On the first day of school he didn't have new clothes to wear and the sole of his shoe was coming off.  He told his Mom that he needed new shoes.  He would even pay her back if they could just go get some.  She told him to go talk to his Dad.  His Dad said he would have to wait until he had the money earned to get a new pair.  He said he couldn't go to school with his shoe like that.  His Dad agreed then grabbed the duct tape and "fixed" his shoe.

• There is a difference between helping your child and enabling them.  Those we rescue become entitled. 

7.  PUTTING CHILDREN IN THE SAME BOAT

• When you com in on a situation and one says, "He started it", but you didn't see it happen you put them both in the same boat.  Whatever discipline you give to one you give to both.  
• "I see that you have both agreed to fight.  You both agreed to do...."
• It doesn't have to be a bad thing.  They can both go play a game or bake cookies.  Just something that they can do together.  
• You can have them clean the sliding glass door one on one side and one of the other.
• Neither get dessert
• No one gets to watch TV today. 
• It's to train them to cooperate better as a teem.

6.  NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

• Blues need to practice this one this week.  They talk too much.
• Example:  Rule is that no one watches TV until after homework is done.  They keep turning on the TV.  Put a sheet over the TV with a big smiley face on it.  Don't say anything.
• Example:  The boy forgets to feed the dog.  Made an agreement that if the dog wasn't fed Mom would just turn his plate upside down.  He could stay for prayer and then run and feed the dog and come back to eat.  
• Example:  "This place condemned" sign on a messy bedroom door.  

5.  MAKE UPS

• If you offend someone you do something to show you mean what you say.
• It has to be an act that says "I really am sorry."
• You know that the apology is real.

4.  FAMILY MEETINGS:

• Meet as a family and discuss problems.
• RULE:  It may not be target practice aimed towards one person.  It is to identify problems and come up with solutions.
• It works best with and "I" statement.
• Only address one issue at a time.
• It's not an attack
• They come up with the solutions.
• When children come to tattle..."Put that on the paper on the fridge for our next family meeting." Usually they will solve it on their own.
• It needs to be a safe place to discuss problems.
• You can plan vacations.
• Practice....FHE and Family Meetings not the same night.  It makes it too long. 

3.  PRACTICE

• Anything you want to be good at requires practice....church behavior, family prayer behavior. 
• It only works if Mom can remain a cheerleader or it becomes punishment
• Example:  Children practice church behavior at home on the sofa.  Then reminded during church to find out if they need to "practice" at home to become really good at it.
• Example:  Coming to the table the first time they are called.
• If you get angry it's a punishment.
• Younger kids think it's a game.
• Don't demean the older kids.

2.  GATING

• This only works if you have a hot button.
• Rule:  You do what I need then you get what you want and I get what I want.
• This works for cellphones, I pods, I pads, friends.  These things are all privileges not rights.  
• Be careful what "rights" you give them.  They need to handle them with respect or lose them.

1.  CHOICES

• Do you want tuna or peanut butter?
• Do you want to wear the red or the blue shoes?
• Rule:  You have to be ok with either choice you give them.

The Lord governs with firmness. He forgives us, but is firm in his expectations.  Teach them to have self control to become a celestial being.

Teach correct principles and let them govern themselves.  (Joseph Smith)

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This is a list of links to other Conference talks that Sister Tanner has used in past "Discipline" classes in case you would like to read and study more.

"Sins & Mistakes"  by Dallin H. Oaks

"A Thousand Threads of Love"  by James E Faust 

"I Have A Question"  What do the scriptures and latter-day prophets teach about disciplining our children?

"Love and Law"  by Dallin H. Oaks